All Over The Place Today, & Pretty Depressing Too

Today, I am doped to the gills with muscle realigned and pain meds, so forgive the wandering train of thought. I still hurt like mad and am ready to give up on ever being pain free again. I most sincerely regret every accident I have ever been in because I am paying for them now. It sucks and sucks mightily. I keep trying to comfort myself with the knowledge that I know why I get migraines and bad headaches. I know why my back routinely decides not to play nice and I pinch nerves.

It is all because of a year of accidents - fell down 2 flights of stairs, through another flight of stairs, 5 car accidents (I was not driving in any of them which is a real pisser), and a homicidal maniac for a neighbor. All of this will result in a life time of weak joints and chipped bones. Throw in the mix the genetic "gift" of arthritis and I have got pain. Constant pain. Nagging pain. Really fucking annoying pain. And since my back decided to give out again yesterday, I am feeling surly. Yeah, surly is a good term for my mood.

It does not help my mood to have "found" another abandoned dog. There were 2 dogs dropped of in the woods and they have been running free for about 2-3 weeks now. This past Tuesday morning, the 1 was in the ditch dead and rapidly decomposing. As in, after being dead less than 4 days, she is nothing but scattered bones. An odditity which makes me suspect her death was encouraged by some son of a bitch who deserves to be staked out over an ant hill coated in honey with a light dusting of salt once the ants start eating.

The other, now truly alone, dog, came up to me this morning and she seems to be a doll. An incredibly dirty doll, but still. What added to my surly quotient is how she came up to me. No dog should ever, EVER, crawl on its belly. No dog should be so afraid that it not only belly crawls but whimpers, has its tail tucked, and is terrified of any loud noise. Since this looks to be a fairly young dog, my desire to beat the crap out of whomever did this to her is in direct proportion to her cringing. She was afraid to eat until I put her and the food in an open area and walked away. I know it won't take long for her to get over that because any animal that stays with me quickly figures out I am a massive wimp, but I hate seeing any animal cringe.

As it is, I am going to wait & see how well she settles in before taking her to the vet, naming her, etc. I can not afford another animal of my own, but I do not trust the Humane Society and would rather skip a few meals myself rather than doom an animal to death. And in this dogs case, it helps that she is a cute dog. She looks like some sort of German Shepherd mix, oddly enough. I'd say a grey hound judging by the way she moves and how her pack mate looked. I think they might have been litter mates that the owner could not find homes for so the dogs were just dumped. No way to tell now. All I know is that the other 2 dogs do not mind her and want to play, she needs a bath so that I can at least tell if she is all white or not, and is very young and very nervous.

Beyond that, I spent this mornings abbreviated walk and the drive to work distracting myself by contemplating my personal trust issues. It was/is rather odd to realize that part of the reason I would never learn how to scuba dive is because I have to trust not only the instructor, but also whomever I go diving with in the future. There is no one in my life that I would trust that much. The closest would be my sister, but since she is an epileptic with grand mal seizures, I am not brave enough to risk either of our lives on the hope that her meds will hold out.

I realized that all of my hobbies and activities are solitary in nature and that I actively seek ways to be by myself. I mean, my hobbies include going to zoos and museums - fun to do either by yourself or with a group. I adore kayaking and fully intend to 1 day have my own so that I can go out by myself. As it is, I do not care to go with friends because I want to be alone so badly. Which is really shitty of me because obviously the few people who keep nagging at me to get out think I am fun to hang out with and I keep saying no. Then there is my reading addiction, which is going to become extremely expensive. I enjoy movies, but would vastly prefer to watch them at home. I do jigsaw puzzles, though that is partially because I glue them together & then frame them because the puzzles tend to be cheaper than the posters. I also get a sense of satisfaction, knowing that I put the picture together. I go for long walks, weather permitting. All of these are solitary activities.

I thought about all my past relationships and realized just how many barriers I put up so that I would not be risking myself. Then I went down memory lane a snarled some more over the memory of my ex-fiance informing me how my father would NOT be walking me down the aisle. The engagement ended soon after that. Thought about everyone who came after and realized not only how short that list is, but also how I helped keep them separate from me and my life. There was only one with whom I actually lazed around, watched TV, read, and just relaxed with. I have never gone out on a "date" where we held hands, or just wandered the malls. My ex-fiance never liked malls, and holding hands was "a pain."

Now I am starting to realize why so many of my girl friends are telling me to get out. I am most definitely turning in to an anti-social hermit. If I do not get out of this area soon, I am going to become a stereotype. YUCK!

And I know that I will be asked this, but why do I feel like leaving this area is the answer? Because I have been here for too long. I have never found a position that allowed me to pay bills and eat without massive outside assistance. I have a limited number of friends, and most of them live in other states and are seriously worried about me because the list of options that I find enjoyable is so slim around here. I am not a country girl. I might have grown up in the boon docks, but I do not enjoy it. I prefer areas where I can walk to the corner deli and get a good hoagie - NOT SUBWAY! - and then go to the park or board walk and people watch. I like going on the subway to the malls and to the museums and gardens. I enjoy being surrounded by people who do not know my name, religious affiliation, my menstrual cycle, age, weight, shoe/bra sizes, my co-workers & bosses name/phone number/address, their spouse's/children/pets, my car tag number, etc. I get tired of everyone knowing everyone else's business, and then commenting on it.

And this situation/blogging does not count. After reading this, most will completely forget. Not go have discussions with family members and then come back the next day with the ideas discussed over the dinner table.

I then realized that I was about to fall asleep at the wheel, so I refreshed my memory of the 1 person guaranteed to get my blood pumping. Many moons ago, there was a very tall girl with excessive amounts of confidence. The bitch was friends with a sweet little girl who was very sheltered. Through a series of events, the bitch & the sheltered child met up with yours truly. So life progressed and various events came to pass. One of them, which still makes me want to bite something, was a statement made by the bitch.

According to her, she was the dramatic, sexual creature men wanted to date. The sheltered girl was the one men wanted to take home to mom & eventually marry. I was the one men wanted to fuck.

Attempts have been made to make that more palatable. The closest was how I should view that as a jealousy-based remark because I am a "more sensual and sexual creature who just gives off the vibe that I enjoy sex." I thought that was an excellent attempt to get in the sack with me, but needed LOTS of work.

What has worn the sharp edges off the obnoxious comment is how life has played out since then. I tend to gloat most unattractively when I contemplate this, so forgive me. The bitch has been married - several times now. And each time, she has needed liposuction to fit in to the gown. And in most cases, the marriage partner was the best friend of her soon-to-be ex-husband. Last I heard, she was working as a construction worker. The sheltered one has gone from a size 6 to a size 20, been married, had a child, divorced, shacked up with another man, had a child with him, he left her with the children, and she is now living with her parents in Atlanta and making minimum wage. I am still a size 6-8, no children, no liposuction, and while poor as a church mouse, I can say that my mistakes affect only me and no one else. And the best part? The bitch had to have liposuction. I love it!