Ho Hum

It is Saturday & here I am again. At work. Attempting to keep my mouth shut so I do not offend the unwashed masses. Succeeding only because I am hiding in my office. Thank God for personal offices, otherwise people like me would have to fight the temptation to tell people just how obnoxious they really are and their cutesy little habits are nothing more than mental finger nails on a chalk board moments.

I really do not have it that bad & I know it. I know everyone gets tired of this mantra & I appreciate the patience. I just keep restating it to remind myself that religious fundamentalism and blind ignorance mixed with willful stupidity is not that bad. Just because I find the levels offensive here at work is no reason what so ever to tell Mrs. H. that I find her face with the Tammy Faye make up disgusting and the way she allows her child to rum rampant unsafe and an invitation for child endangerment. And asking why some of the sweetest ladies how they could let themselves get so fat that their ass hangs to their knees is not a good way to keep my job. I know that telling the ladies that the way they smell of moth balls is singularly unattractive and that I would appreciate it if they would wash their clothes and use cedar instead is not a good way to promote team building and community good will. I know all of this. On days like today, I REALLY want to say all the above and more.

It does not help that I have the grand experience of working tomorrow, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (though I might "call in sick"), Thursday & Friday, followed by yet another weekend at my mothers. I hate knowing that my job is NOT that demanding and that it is a cake walk. I miss actually doing something. Most of what I do over a months time, I can accomplish in less than a day & I hate having to drag it out over a month.

I think I woke up cranky today. Oh well. I have griped enough on that topic for the day.

So, I watched a couple of good flicks last night with exmi. The 1st was a Kevin Costner flick - The Upside of Anger. That was a nice chick flick that I would recommend. It was not fast paced or anything but so much of it was exactly right given the characters. I liked how Costner was able to actually act. Normally, he can't so to see him manage is always a treat.

The other flick I watched last night was Sahara. If you have ever read any of Clive Cussler's books, DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE! For those, like me, who have not, then it is a fun flick and Matthew (__?__) is always worth watching. I have a funny feeling that when I do finally sit down to read all of Cussler's books some 3-day weekend, I am going to be highly offended at the movie. From the commentaries exmi dropped, I have a feeling that the casting was all wrong, there were plot flaws large enough to drive a fleet of semi's through, and the list goes on. Despite all that, we both laughed at the appropriate points and he only objected to 3 major plot flaws.

1 of the plot flaws was rather huge though. An old Civil War cannon ball will not simply fly through the window screen of a helicopter and roll about on the floor. I know that & the closest to a helicopter I have ever gotten is an old land lord who really liked my Mom was an army helicopter pilot, OK? At a guess, an old Civil War cannon ball would shatter a helicopter into many chunks as it went through and would probably bring the 'copter down as the cannon ball created numerous holes. I could be wrong, but that is my personal guess.

Side note - can anyone out there please explain the thought process to this chain of events here at work? 1 of my staff just came in to my hidey hole (a.k.a. my office) to ask me if it was OK if she put the bell out so that she could go gossip. Here are the reasons I am boggled.
1) that bell has been out on the counter with a sign saying that if no one is at the desk, ring the bell & someone will walk up to help for 2 YEARS!
2)Next, I have never once said that my staff must stay at the front desk, especially if we are quiet and there was something more entertaining/necessary going on in some other part of the building - mostly because of the bell! Days like today when we are exceptionally dead, my presence here is a sop to the higher ups who demand that someone with passwords & authority must be on duty.
3) why the hell does she think I care that she wants to 'go gossip about her ex-husband"? I barely ever talk to the woman at all because I can't stand the smell of moth balls or how she acts like a ditz. So long as she stays away, I have officially given up and beyond take advantage of the fact that she can man the front desk without me, I have nothing to do with her because I am constantly ignored. So screw it!

And yes, she is a hot point for me.

Anyway, that was the total extent of my viewing pleasure over the past few days. As cool as the sound track to my nephew's Hot Wheels movies are, that recollection is as far as I care to torture my memory. I have not really read anything. Mostly because I have not been home that long and I have been attempting to settle some arguments here at work before they get out of hand. That & I can't forget my 4 time a year meeting that I had last Wednesday. I wish I could, but amazingly some things were revealed and life was marginally simplified. I just had to spend the past few days explaining them to my more rigid thinkers here at work.

I sound like such as arrogant snot when I write this way. I honestly do not know how much of my opinion of the so-called locals is based on truth and on the fact that I am used to better. I have a long laundry list of reasons for why I have grave doubts about the talents, intelligence, education, and professionalism of many I deal with here, but how much is because I am just an arrogant snob with a mile wide streak of educational elitism thrown in for good measure?

There is a part of me that would like to be able to read other people's minds just so I could tell how my actions are viewed, but I am so grateful that I can't. I would hate to have my nose rubbed in the fact that there are people who see me as fat, lazy, inconsiderate, depressing, whatever. I mean, I can list of a long list of terms that while the degree could be argued, they do describe me. Arrogant is definitely among that list. But a lazy slob? That would probably devastate me.

Tangent off this, but what amazes me is how it is your family who influences your self-image the most. I know quite well where my low self image comes from, just as I know that the image my parents have of me is remarkably skewed. It is the main reason I am able to ignore a lot of their comments to help me improve myself. And that skewed version a parent develops of their child is 1 of the reasons I am against having children of my own. I know this is not a universal. I know that there are untold numbers of parents & their children who are able to grow together and see the changes in maturity and emotional depths in each other. However, in my family & in a lot of those families surrounding me, I see too many who no longer "see" one another.

EX: I know of 1 woman who is now in her 30's, married, successful government job, yet when she & her husband go to her parents, she sleeps with her parents & not her husband because that is where she has "always slept." I find it creepy, but that is how they interact. There is another woman who still carries her 10 year old son because he is "so sweet she just can't put him down." He is used to it, but rapidly getting tired of the jokes. My family is a hotbed of insanity. Like according to my parents, I am still 4'7", with curly hair thanks to that perm I had when I was in 6th grade, wear glasses all the time, and really need to work on finding clothes that fit because I am constantly outgrowing my shoes & clothes - as in they are too short, not too tight. They also really wish that I would wear more dresses because they get tired of always seeing me in shorts & flip flops.

I am 5'7", wear knee to floor length dresses & skirts 80% of the time, my hair is straight, in fact the last time I even had a perm was in the 6th grade, I wear contacts because I am afraid of the laser surgery & only rarely my glasses (usually at night at home watching movies), and it is a constant source of frustration that my parent's do not "see" me. My mother still makes comments about how I throw such terrible temper tantrums and how she gets so frustrated with dealing with me & my temper. I have a temper, no denying that or else I would not be ranting now, but when my evaluations all commend me for my even temper, tact, control and diplomacy, then I get confused.

Oh well. There are no real solutions & I know it. But going back to my refusal to ever have children, a lot of my refusal is based on how I was raised and how messed up I am. I have no desire to put a child through what I went through, even if it is diluted. I also would not want to bring children in to today's world because I at least find it to be too much, all the time.

Complete change in topic, but anyone reading this, what can you tell me about Fayetteville, NC? I am going to focus my job search for the next month there and any hints and suggestions are welcome.