2016 is ending & I am emotionally bleeding like a dying pig

This has been a year. Not a bad year, I have definitely had my share of those, but definitely not a good year. I am unemployed. Have lousy health care.  Mother fractured her hip and that was an adventure. While away helping her, my eldest cat Murphy passed away and that nearly killed me emotionally. On top of that, my unofficially favorite Micky, the Potato On A Stick, also passed away this year. Trump won and both sides of the political equation are acting like children. Violence and general disrespect seem to be on the rise. I really hope next year is better.

And I am terrified. Why? Because I have no safety net in place after my parents die. I have no savings. I have no retirement fund. I have no home. I have nothing and it is killing me to know that when they are gone, I am going to have a student loan I cannot pay off and no home and no way to take care of myself or anyone else. And I feel paralyzed because everything I try fails. In fact, when I leave things improve for the people and/or organizations which makes me feel even worse.

I have a true hatred for myself. I really and truly would just stop trying but for my cats & I just lost 2 of the 5 this year. I trust them to actually like me and want to be with me. I do not believe anyone else when they say that. Hell, my own mother won't talk to me. Wants me to live with her, but that is mostly so all her chicks are under one roof. But actually talk to me? Want me to help her do anything? She accepts because I am there, not because she wants or needs and it shows & it hurts.

My sister can barely remember to call me & when she does it is usually because our mother is pissing her off or mom wants something & can't be bothered to call me herself. And if that inspires the warm & fuzzies, then you are a lot more understanding than I am. I do not know how many times I have called and my sister has played on the computer, read a book, did laundry, texted with her ex or best friend, talked with her cat, and sometimes all the above in a 5-10 minute conversation. Again, it hurts and lets me know I am not wanted needed or necessary.

Dad is a different story & in many ways I share the same personality. He was completed by Esther, my late step mother. She was his perfect match. Now that she is gone, he is too alive to just roll over and die, but he does not, & never has needed me. I have needed him. If I were to move out and a few months later, he would move, I doubt if he would tell me. There have been several moves he has made over the years and it was not until this past 3 years that I found out about them. He never thought to let me know. I know he loves me, and enjoys having me around, but unless I am there I do not truly ping on his radar. Once we go our separate ways, he won't remember to call or write or visit.

Am I over reacting? Probably. I know they love me, but none of them want or like me and it shows and it hurts.

When I found out Murphy was dead, and I was unable to leave Mom's, oh, that just hurt. Dad did everything I would have. It was his time. He had 18 great years with me. But knowing I was not there for his final days just leaves me gutted. 

Hi

I am astonishingly tired of the crap. I know some of it is of my own making, but I did not create all these tornado's, never ending rain, my step mom's cancer complete with limited life expectancy, my mother's spinal cord issues with that limited life span diagnosis, the economy which makes it even harder for me to get a job. I did not deliberately choose to have weird allergies that make it impossible for me to eat anything made with milk, which can be remarkably difficult given how milk byproducts are preservatives. I am tired of it all.

This malaise is not helped by looking around and seeing how our morals and ethics are going down hill as a country and our education system is going down the crapper. I want to believe in humanity, but every time I turn around, there is another article of how people are totally self absorbed wack jobs. Probably the saddest example I have read of late is in Mother Earth News. A group of people were gossiping about the latest end of the world prophecy and 1 man said he was not bothering to prepare because there were Amish families down the road. Instead of doing any real work, he'd load up his guns and go take their stuff. Am I the only person appalled by that? I hope I am not, but I bet there are more people who agree with the gun totin' thief rather than the hard working Amish families.

I have also been reading up on autism and psychopathy and 1 of the little factoids that distresses me is how there are stats quoted that show how prevalent these individuals are and how their numbers are growing. The different specialists do not have any idea why this is so. My personal theory is that these people are born soulless. There are too many bodies being produced but the number of souls available are limited. So I guess in a truly odd way, I think another Noah's flood will come about soon because there are too many bodies and God, the Higher Source, Source of All Things, Gia, the Lord & Lady, however you want to phrase it, will be stepping in to correct the terrible imbalance.

I could also be in la la land because I hurt so much and am so ridiculously tired. Take your pick.

Am I supposed to accomplish anything today?

I give up. I have a list of paperwork I need to take care of, but I can not get to it. I accomplished all of the other chores - cleaning litter pans, laundry, dished, planting tree, walking dogs, gathering trash, straightening boys rooms, took a shower. Then around 1:30 pm I took my shower & have accomplished little else. I have been on the phone, tried getting 2011 files set up but kept getting distracted, & now it is after 3:30 pm & the boys are home. I have been on the phone trying to find a foster home for an adandoned cat because we really do not have the room & getting no where. The boys need help with their homework & chores, so that eats time & attention. I am free for these 5 minutes only because I sent the boys off to other places to do their chores before homework. & it is just ridiculous!

Me Again

I am just venting a bit here. I am looking for a job again because I need to be closer to my family. But guess what? There are no jobs out there, esp. if your resume looks like mine. I do not know what to do because I really want to go home. I am also needed at home. But without a way to pay for those little things like food & enough money to buy, oh, a car, I have no clue what to do.

I hate this. My friends are mostly in GA or the Carolina's. My father & stepmother are in 'Bama & she has cancer. My Dad is going to need help if the chemo fails & since they are reaching 7, I have serious doubts about how well she will handle the chemo.

Meanwhile, my mother is finally getting a diagnosis for her diabetes, nerves dying (& I have no clue what the name of that disease is but I know of it because of a friends father having it as well), slipped & ruptured sics in her spine & nerve damage. My sister, who has NEVER had a job in her life, is now in the position of needing to get one, but unable because our mom needs her. Let's not forget, there is also my nephew who needs his mom as well.

I want to go home. I need a job so that I can move out of Ohio & move to (HOPEFULLY) the Carolina's so that I can actually be near friends & family again. And I miss the,. I miss the laughter & watching them develop lives & being around people who enjoy a lot of the same things I do. I miss being with my family. I miss just being in a climate where there is ice 9 months out of the year. But I need a job because without that, I am an additional drain & I can't stomach that.

Zombies

For the past few weeks, in between getting ready for Thanksgiving & other chaos, I sat at an apartment complex trying to capture a feral cat. I figured something out while sitting hour after hour. The reason there are so many zombies or infected people in horror flicks is because people are completely unobservant. Based on what I saw sitting there, 90% of humanity will be infected/dead before anyone clues in.

I sat there, off & on, for 3 weeks at the same general time. During that period, only 4 people noticed me. Beside the dumpster where I had the trap set up - a wire have-a-heart live capture trap - maybe 2 people each day noticed it. That is a generous number. It was covered in either a blue or leopard striped freaking' towel that flapped in the wind, stank of wet cat food & sandwich meat, & people never noticed. The only people who noticed were the ones who had their dogs & even a few of them never noticed. Their dogs were on retractable leashes, so they kept walking & unless the dog was tangled, never looked to see what their pet was doing.

If this is what humanity is becoming, then we deserve to be wiped out. I am sitting in an orange Kia Borego illegally parked perpendicular to the parking lines. ( Might have that wrong but I was parked incorrectly in a major kind of way.) I have a flash light for reading as it gets dark. And only 2 people noticed me & 1 of them jumped when they did notice me. That is just sad.

But at least now I understand why so many people are roaming around as infected/zombies in all the horror flicks. No one notices anything. People are caught up in their own thoughts/digital world, so if some drooling zombie were to come lurking along & bite them, they would not notice anything but the annoying smell & look in all the wrong places right before eaten.

Another Dream

Dreamt that I was standing at a paparde of some sort, talking with friends when the guy beside me made a comment that had me looking at him and asking if I looked to be 100 years old. He panicked and left.
(gee wonder why?)
Next, I was in a carriage with the same friends & we went to a spa where they treated me to a day but I went to find the dressing room & got lost. That is when my alarm went off.

Sigh

I am in a delightful position - again. I wonder how people do it, those who can go all their life and follow some "plan." I am not talking about the novel version where the main character has a plan for each stage of their life. I am talking about the smaller, 5 year plans that let a person get from this point of success to that point of success. I am not "hurting" by any stretch, but I have not truly achieved anything beyond growing up, NOT having children & getting a Master's degree. But I have accomplished nothing else & am now trying to make decsions that will not be good choices on any level. They will be decisions that allow me to best help either my family or my friends. I know my family will win, but I really want to have the income so that I am not an additional drain on my family.

My father will not survive much past my step-mother who has cancer. Yes, it was caught early enough, yes, it is being treated aggressively. She is over 65, however, & has a history of medical problems. Odds are not in her favor & my father does not just adore her, he is completely dependent upon her. I am terrified of what will happen when she passes on.

My mother is also aging & on many levels has already given up. She hurts, her legs are giving out underneath her to th point she has additional damage. She has a thyroid condition, borderline diabetic, & a host of other borderline diseases which I get to look forward to, esp. since Dad has them as well.

Yeah, I have GREAT genes. Just another reason to NEVER have kids & pass on these flawed genetics.

Anyway, I also have a good job that is going to be going to the next level soon & I am excited about that. I guess the problem is that I am not excited about the fighting that will be necessary to get to that level. I am not refrring to corporate in-fighting or sheer work type of fighting. I am talking about making the partners work and agree.

Dreams

Well, I do believe that I am getting sick. How do I know this? After sending the kids off to school this morning, I went back to bed. There I had a truly strange dream. I dreamt that was living in a small town, it was winter due to the clue that I was cold & bundled up for the funeral of the child I was attending. Though I was concerned about the legality of the funeral because it was a shape shifter & while the mortuary was involved, it was not "on the books" so the speak. I remember offering my condolences to the family & they told me how much they appreciated my coming & once the father was no longer a cat, he would appreciate it as well.
I dreamt that I was disappointed in my white washed cinder block apartment, not because it was cinder blocks, but because I did not have all of my stuff yet.
I also dreamt that I was making out with a shape shifter who was part sea creature & we had to be careful because he developed claws along his abs & groin when aroused so we had to be careful of angles.
That is when I woke up to a lot of banging.