It is barely 11:30 am. Today started well. I slept myself out last night, which was great! I had a fair to middling good workout this morning. I laughed at some of what was shown on TV. I had a LONG HOT shower, which I adored. I am wearing my comfortable boots & 1 of my favorite outfits. My radio picked up NPR all the way in to work & there were several neat stories I enjoyed listening to. I was on time to work. The morning opening routine was headache free & went quickly. In fact, we had 20 minutes to kill, which is why I posted the fable. We opened & delivery was here. I got LOTS of new books to read (like I need more). It is quiet today because everyone is some place else & I applaud the public's dedication in not being here today.
But the phone rang & that is when I developed this headache. First off, I had someone ask if we were open when I answered the phone. Next, my problem child called to ask 1 of those "what is she thinking?" questions about whether automatic deposit had already been processed. DUH! After 10 years, they are going to suddenly suspend making automatic payments just because. Right. After that call, I found out through the rumor mill that my supposed assistant has applied for a higher position in-house but has not told me.
While I honestly wish her the best, & indeed sincerely hope that she gets the job because I think she would be good at it, I am upset. Mostly because she is the only person to apply in-house, so the odds of my being called to give an opinion are around 100%. How would it look if I had no warning? Or am I over reacting? I do not know. I do know that I will be honest & up-beat because I think she deserves the chance & will be good at the position. But I am a lot upset & definitely offended that I found out from the rumor mill.
And I have a headache!
Friday, December 30, 2005
A Fable
A friend emailed this to me today -
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?.....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened, The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her! own life. Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly
King Arthur and the Witch:
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?.....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened, The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her! own life. Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Lunch Break Post
I am here at work - again. Today I am actually eating something with my SlimFast. An apple!
I am also listening to Black Eyed Peas' Elephunk on the computer. I am going to be doing some research because of the 4-some, the vaguely oriental/native american looking man falls under the "instant lust" category. I also like the music. "Lets get retarded," tends to tickle my funny bone. Though based on the wee bit of searching I just did, the odds of finding the names quickly & easily seems a bit on the thin side. Oh well. Guess I will just have to actually do my job & conduct some research.
I am sooo ready for it to be 6pm. I want to lock the doors and go home and forget all about today. I intend to stop at the bank & then WalMart (mostly so I can pick up yet another book) & then home to crash & crash hard. I am hoping not to get this cold, but I do believe that I am failing miserably.
I am also listening to Black Eyed Peas' Elephunk on the computer. I am going to be doing some research because of the 4-some, the vaguely oriental/native american looking man falls under the "instant lust" category. I also like the music. "Lets get retarded," tends to tickle my funny bone. Though based on the wee bit of searching I just did, the odds of finding the names quickly & easily seems a bit on the thin side. Oh well. Guess I will just have to actually do my job & conduct some research.
I am sooo ready for it to be 6pm. I want to lock the doors and go home and forget all about today. I intend to stop at the bank & then WalMart (mostly so I can pick up yet another book) & then home to crash & crash hard. I am hoping not to get this cold, but I do believe that I am failing miserably.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Who's Ready?
Everyone have an excellent Christmas? I hope so because this is the 1st for me that I can recall which was actually fun & relaxing & I enjoyed in over 30 years. We did nothing but eat and even then, it was all simple, easy meals that required no real effort or planning. Mom & my sister had everything ready so that while I was there all we had to do was throw it together & eat. The onions were already chopped, the cheese was grated, meat was precooked stuff, life was good. When we were not eating, we were talking, working on puzzles or knitting/crocheting (well, they knitted & crocheted. I did puzzles), watched movies, played with my nephews new toys, and took multiple long naps.
The only down side is that not only am I back at work, but the great cosmic illness joke is still at play. Even though there is no real reason I should get a cold myself, since my nephew & sister both have one, I am waiting. I always get sick during the holiday & since they both used me as a kleenex & frequently coughed right in my face, I am almost guaranteed that this strange itchy feeling with a runny nose is a cold. To add to my personal cold guarantee, I slept with my sister over the weekend. She was trying to hack up her lungs, stomach, & intestines, and she shared her germs liberally, usually right in my face. Believe me, you learn just how close you are to someone when the hack, sneeze, and cough all over you. Especially at 2 a.m. when all you want is to sleep.
So who is ready for 2006? I can claim that I am because I have the 1st of 5 projects here at work completed. 2 of those projects are going to be farmed out anyway, so I am not worried about finishing by the 30th. I see no reason why I should take down the Christmas decorations when there are people who actually enjoy doing that kind of thing. Personally, I have my calendar's all set to go, all my gifts where they need to go, and life is actually pretty good.
Reality is FAR different. It will take forever for me to adjust to 2006 instead of 2005. I have a laundry list of items I need to accomplish over the next 6 months, and I am terrified that I will fail on all fronts.
My resolutions are the following -
1. Get a new job
2. Move
3. Lose 20 lbs. (if it kills me & everyone around me)
4. Get a new car
4 simple resolutions that should be remarkably simple to accomplish. Yet I am already doubting myself and my abilities and most definitely my will power to carry through. Ironically enough, I think I will be able to lose the 20 lbs. now that I have found a decent way to eat that does not leave me hungry. Since my tummy is also loads happier with me and my need for prevacid has dropped from 2 a day to zilch, then I am making the assumption that I am on the right track. I could be wrong, but . . .
The only down side is that not only am I back at work, but the great cosmic illness joke is still at play. Even though there is no real reason I should get a cold myself, since my nephew & sister both have one, I am waiting. I always get sick during the holiday & since they both used me as a kleenex & frequently coughed right in my face, I am almost guaranteed that this strange itchy feeling with a runny nose is a cold. To add to my personal cold guarantee, I slept with my sister over the weekend. She was trying to hack up her lungs, stomach, & intestines, and she shared her germs liberally, usually right in my face. Believe me, you learn just how close you are to someone when the hack, sneeze, and cough all over you. Especially at 2 a.m. when all you want is to sleep.
So who is ready for 2006? I can claim that I am because I have the 1st of 5 projects here at work completed. 2 of those projects are going to be farmed out anyway, so I am not worried about finishing by the 30th. I see no reason why I should take down the Christmas decorations when there are people who actually enjoy doing that kind of thing. Personally, I have my calendar's all set to go, all my gifts where they need to go, and life is actually pretty good.
Reality is FAR different. It will take forever for me to adjust to 2006 instead of 2005. I have a laundry list of items I need to accomplish over the next 6 months, and I am terrified that I will fail on all fronts.
My resolutions are the following -
1. Get a new job
2. Move
3. Lose 20 lbs. (if it kills me & everyone around me)
4. Get a new car
4 simple resolutions that should be remarkably simple to accomplish. Yet I am already doubting myself and my abilities and most definitely my will power to carry through. Ironically enough, I think I will be able to lose the 20 lbs. now that I have found a decent way to eat that does not leave me hungry. Since my tummy is also loads happier with me and my need for prevacid has dropped from 2 a day to zilch, then I am making the assumption that I am on the right track. I could be wrong, but . . .
Friday, December 23, 2005
Killing a Few Minutes
I am being hypocritical today. After all the numerous rants about others nagging, harassing, & generally pissing me off about my status as a single, unwed, non-mother, I have been looking at the people who come in & the various couples and judging them as mates.
There are some I look at and think, "They will make good husbands," or "I bet he will be a good dad." Then there are some couples who inspire thoughts of, "I wonder how often he cheats on her?" or, "I would deck anyone who treated me like they treat their spouse." Then there are the girls I look at and think, "God help the future husband, because that is a 40 yr old trapped in a 10 yr old body."
Beyond that, I am playing today. Killing the day surfing the Net & counting down till I can go to my Mom's & begin the holiday food fest.
There are some I look at and think, "They will make good husbands," or "I bet he will be a good dad." Then there are some couples who inspire thoughts of, "I wonder how often he cheats on her?" or, "I would deck anyone who treated me like they treat their spouse." Then there are the girls I look at and think, "God help the future husband, because that is a 40 yr old trapped in a 10 yr old body."
Beyond that, I am playing today. Killing the day surfing the Net & counting down till I can go to my Mom's & begin the holiday food fest.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Only 3 More Days!
Christmas is almost here & I am incredibly grateful. I will be glad to be able to actually enjoy this Christmas. For what feels like the 1st time ever, I am going no further than my mother's house & have no plans to stay longer then a long weekend. We are not driving to PA, SC, NC, VA, WA, or any where else. We are not going any place beyond the Saturday Children's Mass. We are not baking cookies, nut rolls, rum balls, or planning elaborate meals. We are going simple and I am beyond grateful and well into the "fall to the ground & kiss it from joy" category.
My shopping is done. Here at work, all that is left is the end of the month wrap up that I do every month so that is no biggie. My boss is retiring so I have some new responsibilities and freedoms that I need to become adjusted to but that is actually rather cool. I have a checklist of things that need to be accomplished, which is a dramatic improvement over the past few years. My cards have all been mailed & the ecards are scheduled for tomorrow. My personal baking is almost finished, and I have only 1 more gift to wrap.
Now all I have to do is avoid the pitfalls of having an overly developed sweet tooth and try and keep my weight under control. It is soooo very hard though because we have cookies, candy, cakes, and dips here at work and they are all soooo good! We decided that, instead of exchanging gifts, we would bring in food for everyone all week & it has been a huge relief for all of us. Just bake a cake, make a dip & grab a box of crackers, and we are set. Biggest problem has been remembering to put the dips in the fridge when we leave at night. Since none of us have had to actually buy anything for this food fest, our checkbooks and patience with one another has also been stretched out.
Now all I have left to do is get through the actual holiday & then life can resume a normal keel and I really can not wait. It will be strange writing 2006 instead of 2005, but what the hell. And if I can avoid gaining 50 lbs., I will be truly thrilled. Family arguments are the norm, so I could care less if they happen. Might not enjoy them, but they happen frequently & live still goes on.
The extra poundage is something I am trying to avoid. I have all sorts of exercise DVD's & am trying to walk/sprint 2-4 miles a day, but it is hard with this cold weather. When the temp. goes below 35, I cramp and develop the shakes. I do not tend to shiver. I shake. Ask either of my last 2 lovers & they can tell you the joys of trying to warm me up. I turn blue, shake like a palsy patient, whimper, crack teeth, cramp, and lose what little coordination I have. Since I am already easy to brake, it makes life oh so fun when I get cold and it takes forever to warm up. My last roommate would set up 3 space heaters in the bathroom and turn the hot water on in the shower and then toss me in there, sometimes literally. The water heater would run dry before I would warm up.
It has taken me a while, but I have finally figured out that if I leave my space heater on for at least 2 hours before I shower, exercise and have hot chocolate/tea/coffee, and then take a shower, I stay warm all the way through. Otherwise, I have to shave my legs multiple times because I get chill bumps & I hate that. I also have the thermostat set to 75-85 degrees and then turn it back down as I leave for work. Even doing all that, I still get cold & chilled during my shower.
Different subject, but I read a book that has me boggled this week. Forbidden Magic by Cheyenne McCray is a very well written and generally fun story. What has me boggled is that it is considered a soft romance. Personally, when a book is told from 3.5 character's perspectives, & 1 of the 2 female leads is into bondage, pain, and humiliation, while the other is into light bondage, then I would call it soft porn with a supernatural twist.
I liked the book. I enjoyed the characters and how they progressed both as individuals, but as couples and how the story developed in general. I could have lived without the scenes when the "good" girl used her magic to tie her fae lover to the bed. I definitely could have lived without the description of the "bad" girl being fucked by 2 demons & the descendant/reincarnation of the Celtic God, Balog. But the rest was pretty cool and I hope that McCray develops the story instead of her personality switching sex games.
Two other books I read recently were about those cute, furry critters known as dogs. The 1st is called What the Dog Did, by Emily Yoffe. The other is called Marley & Me, by John Grogan. These are both absolutely hilarious books that I can not recommend highly enough. Grogan had me in tears at the end, but the dog died of old age & that always makes me cry, so no big deal. It was remarkably sweet and I enjoyed the ending. Marley, however, makes me glad that the 3 dogs I currently live with are only mildly psychotic. They have never eaten all the insulation on the fridge. Torn the sheet rock off the walls. Kicked out of basic training classes. Stuff like that.
Yoffe's book dealt with a wider selection of dogs, but sheez! Some of the stories she dug up while researching this book! I have done a lot of disgusting clean ups thanks to the dogs & cats, but I am thrilled to report that I have never had to pull a bra out of my dogs butt. Off their heads, out of the litter box, made them drop whatever article they were currently chewing - yes. But no animal of mine has ever eaten my clothes, or a knife, or grill utensils, or tubing, or keys, or . . .
Get the drift of the type of stories in this book?
I also have finished Mercedes Lackey's Music to My Sorrows. That was standard Lackey and there were all sorts of digs at the government, but I like her stuff so I enjoyed reading it. This was her latest in the modern day bard series and this time they took on a mix of televangelists and ex-government professional paranoids, all of whom were being manipulated by the dark elves.
I read some more anime. Dears was a bit odd, but since I read that right after McCrays, the fact that the female characters, aka Dears, are genetically-altered intergalactic mass produced cloned slaves seemed almost normal.
Access Denied by Donna Andrews was also on this weeks reading list. 3rd in the series about sentinent AI's, it is a fun combination of "what if?" mixed with technology and psychology. Set in today's technological sphere, there is nothing futuristic or paranormal about the characters. It is just that the main character is an AI that started life as a library catalogue. If you like light mysteries with the sort of techno babble that anyone who can program their VCR can understand, then try the series. If you can't program your VCR at the very least, then do not pick it up because there are all sorts of small details that will drive you nuts.
I can't remember what else I have read this week, but I am going to say adios till tomorrow. I have physical therapy in 30 minutes & need to wrap today up here at work.
My shopping is done. Here at work, all that is left is the end of the month wrap up that I do every month so that is no biggie. My boss is retiring so I have some new responsibilities and freedoms that I need to become adjusted to but that is actually rather cool. I have a checklist of things that need to be accomplished, which is a dramatic improvement over the past few years. My cards have all been mailed & the ecards are scheduled for tomorrow. My personal baking is almost finished, and I have only 1 more gift to wrap.
Now all I have to do is avoid the pitfalls of having an overly developed sweet tooth and try and keep my weight under control. It is soooo very hard though because we have cookies, candy, cakes, and dips here at work and they are all soooo good! We decided that, instead of exchanging gifts, we would bring in food for everyone all week & it has been a huge relief for all of us. Just bake a cake, make a dip & grab a box of crackers, and we are set. Biggest problem has been remembering to put the dips in the fridge when we leave at night. Since none of us have had to actually buy anything for this food fest, our checkbooks and patience with one another has also been stretched out.
Now all I have left to do is get through the actual holiday & then life can resume a normal keel and I really can not wait. It will be strange writing 2006 instead of 2005, but what the hell. And if I can avoid gaining 50 lbs., I will be truly thrilled. Family arguments are the norm, so I could care less if they happen. Might not enjoy them, but they happen frequently & live still goes on.
The extra poundage is something I am trying to avoid. I have all sorts of exercise DVD's & am trying to walk/sprint 2-4 miles a day, but it is hard with this cold weather. When the temp. goes below 35, I cramp and develop the shakes. I do not tend to shiver. I shake. Ask either of my last 2 lovers & they can tell you the joys of trying to warm me up. I turn blue, shake like a palsy patient, whimper, crack teeth, cramp, and lose what little coordination I have. Since I am already easy to brake, it makes life oh so fun when I get cold and it takes forever to warm up. My last roommate would set up 3 space heaters in the bathroom and turn the hot water on in the shower and then toss me in there, sometimes literally. The water heater would run dry before I would warm up.
It has taken me a while, but I have finally figured out that if I leave my space heater on for at least 2 hours before I shower, exercise and have hot chocolate/tea/coffee, and then take a shower, I stay warm all the way through. Otherwise, I have to shave my legs multiple times because I get chill bumps & I hate that. I also have the thermostat set to 75-85 degrees and then turn it back down as I leave for work. Even doing all that, I still get cold & chilled during my shower.
Different subject, but I read a book that has me boggled this week. Forbidden Magic by Cheyenne McCray is a very well written and generally fun story. What has me boggled is that it is considered a soft romance. Personally, when a book is told from 3.5 character's perspectives, & 1 of the 2 female leads is into bondage, pain, and humiliation, while the other is into light bondage, then I would call it soft porn with a supernatural twist.
I liked the book. I enjoyed the characters and how they progressed both as individuals, but as couples and how the story developed in general. I could have lived without the scenes when the "good" girl used her magic to tie her fae lover to the bed. I definitely could have lived without the description of the "bad" girl being fucked by 2 demons & the descendant/reincarnation of the Celtic God, Balog. But the rest was pretty cool and I hope that McCray develops the story instead of her personality switching sex games.
Two other books I read recently were about those cute, furry critters known as dogs. The 1st is called What the Dog Did, by Emily Yoffe. The other is called Marley & Me, by John Grogan. These are both absolutely hilarious books that I can not recommend highly enough. Grogan had me in tears at the end, but the dog died of old age & that always makes me cry, so no big deal. It was remarkably sweet and I enjoyed the ending. Marley, however, makes me glad that the 3 dogs I currently live with are only mildly psychotic. They have never eaten all the insulation on the fridge. Torn the sheet rock off the walls. Kicked out of basic training classes. Stuff like that.
Yoffe's book dealt with a wider selection of dogs, but sheez! Some of the stories she dug up while researching this book! I have done a lot of disgusting clean ups thanks to the dogs & cats, but I am thrilled to report that I have never had to pull a bra out of my dogs butt. Off their heads, out of the litter box, made them drop whatever article they were currently chewing - yes. But no animal of mine has ever eaten my clothes, or a knife, or grill utensils, or tubing, or keys, or . . .
Get the drift of the type of stories in this book?
I also have finished Mercedes Lackey's Music to My Sorrows. That was standard Lackey and there were all sorts of digs at the government, but I like her stuff so I enjoyed reading it. This was her latest in the modern day bard series and this time they took on a mix of televangelists and ex-government professional paranoids, all of whom were being manipulated by the dark elves.
I read some more anime. Dears was a bit odd, but since I read that right after McCrays, the fact that the female characters, aka Dears, are genetically-altered intergalactic mass produced cloned slaves seemed almost normal.
Access Denied by Donna Andrews was also on this weeks reading list. 3rd in the series about sentinent AI's, it is a fun combination of "what if?" mixed with technology and psychology. Set in today's technological sphere, there is nothing futuristic or paranormal about the characters. It is just that the main character is an AI that started life as a library catalogue. If you like light mysteries with the sort of techno babble that anyone who can program their VCR can understand, then try the series. If you can't program your VCR at the very least, then do not pick it up because there are all sorts of small details that will drive you nuts.
I can't remember what else I have read this week, but I am going to say adios till tomorrow. I have physical therapy in 30 minutes & need to wrap today up here at work.
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Few Moments
Well, another day at work is almost over & the worst is behind me. All I have to do is kill the next 15 minutes & then I can start shutting down & go home. I can not wait!
You know, getting a teaching job keeps sounding better & better. The pay is better, hours would be better, esp. if I went for school librarian position, and I'd have vacation time. As it is, I have to plan 3 months in advance if I want more than a day off & I hate it.
Anyway, I went with exmi this weekend to see the Narnia movie and I LOVED IT! I enjoyed the graphics, the battle scenes, Edmund was a complete rat, just like I expected, Mr. Tumnus was adorable, Aslan was majestic, and it was generally just cool. I liked the book, lenjoyed the movie which managed to stick to the book fairly well, and intend to add the movie to my DVD collection. And when the next Narnia movie is released, I will go see that as well.
I am just relieved that there are still real movies being made that do not depend on the number of cars being blown up to make their money.
Anyway, off to close down and go home!
You know, getting a teaching job keeps sounding better & better. The pay is better, hours would be better, esp. if I went for school librarian position, and I'd have vacation time. As it is, I have to plan 3 months in advance if I want more than a day off & I hate it.
Anyway, I went with exmi this weekend to see the Narnia movie and I LOVED IT! I enjoyed the graphics, the battle scenes, Edmund was a complete rat, just like I expected, Mr. Tumnus was adorable, Aslan was majestic, and it was generally just cool. I liked the book, lenjoyed the movie which managed to stick to the book fairly well, and intend to add the movie to my DVD collection. And when the next Narnia movie is released, I will go see that as well.
I am just relieved that there are still real movies being made that do not depend on the number of cars being blown up to make their money.
Anyway, off to close down and go home!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
It's Another Sunday At Work
Today has been rather fun, actually. On the drive in, I saw a bird with sadistic/suicidal tendencies. The vulture took off straight at the car in front of me and was on a course were he would have hit the front window if he had not taken a dump and flapped his wings to gain altitude. Bets on which did the most to help him achieve a higher elevation. ;-)
Got here and have had fun watching my counterpart running around, doing all those little chores you can't do when you are surrounded by your normal staff. And she has taught me how to make capital letters using pipe cleaners & a bit of imagination. She is 1 of those people with a real talent for decorating and I envy her that. I am obssessive and a clean freak, but artisctic? Not in this life time.
Outside of being at work, I am officially a convert to the wonders of "Firefly," and am eagerly awaiting the release of Serenity here at work so that I can watch it as often as I please over a 3-week period. Hey, working at a library has some benefits! I will end up buying the silly collection, along with my Christmas classics. Probably just cheat & put them on layaway after Christmas. Cause I want!
My after Christmas want list is sooooo incredibly long right now. Oh well. I need to log off & close up. Later!
Got here and have had fun watching my counterpart running around, doing all those little chores you can't do when you are surrounded by your normal staff. And she has taught me how to make capital letters using pipe cleaners & a bit of imagination. She is 1 of those people with a real talent for decorating and I envy her that. I am obssessive and a clean freak, but artisctic? Not in this life time.
Outside of being at work, I am officially a convert to the wonders of "Firefly," and am eagerly awaiting the release of Serenity here at work so that I can watch it as often as I please over a 3-week period. Hey, working at a library has some benefits! I will end up buying the silly collection, along with my Christmas classics. Probably just cheat & put them on layaway after Christmas. Cause I want!
My after Christmas want list is sooooo incredibly long right now. Oh well. I need to log off & close up. Later!
Friday, December 16, 2005
I'm Sponge Bob
Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.
Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test...
Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?.
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.).
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.).
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.).
d) Rock concert (1 pt.).
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?.
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.).
b) Alternative (1 pt.).
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.).
d) Country (5 pts.).
e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?.
a) Comedy (2 pts.).
b) Horror (1 pt.).
c) Musical (3 pts.).
d) Romance (4 pts.).
e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?.
a) Waiter (4 pts.).
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.).
c) Teacher (3 pts.).
d) Police (2 pts.).
e) Cashier (1 pt)
5 . What do you do with your spare time?.
a) Exercise (5 pts.).
b) Read (4 pts.).
c) Watch television (2 pts.).
d) Listen to music (1 pt.).
e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?.
a) Yellow (1 pt.).
b) White (5 pts.).
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.).
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.).
e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?.
a) Snow (3 pts.).
b) Pizza (2 pts.).
c) Sushi (1 pt.).
d) Pasta (4 pts.).
e) Salad (5 pts.)
8 . What is your favorite holiday?.
a) Halloween (1 pt.).
b) Christmas (3 pts.).
c) New Year (2 pts.).
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.).
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?.
a) Paris (4 pts).
b) Spain (5 pts).
c) Las Vegas (1 pt).
d) Hawaii (4 pts).
e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?.
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.).
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.).
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.).
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.).
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.
(24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter:You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in awhile to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email towhat you are and send it on!Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you. Have a greatDay !
Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble? A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test...
Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you.
1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?.
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.).
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.).
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.).
d) Rock concert (1 pt.).
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)
2. What is your favorite type of music?.
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.).
b) Alternative (1 pt.).
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.).
d) Country (5 pts.).
e) Pop (3 pts.)
3. What type of movies do you prefer?.
a) Comedy (2 pts.).
b) Horror (1 pt.).
c) Musical (3 pts.).
d) Romance (4 pts.).
e) Documentary (5 pts.)
4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?.
a) Waiter (4 pts.).
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.).
c) Teacher (3 pts.).
d) Police (2 pts.).
e) Cashier (1 pt)
5 . What do you do with your spare time?.
a) Exercise (5 pts.).
b) Read (4 pts.).
c) Watch television (2 pts.).
d) Listen to music (1 pt.).
e) Sleep (3 pts.)
6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?.
a) Yellow (1 pt.).
b) White (5 pts.).
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.).
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.).
e) Red (4 pts.)
7. What do you prefer to eat?.
a) Snow (3 pts.).
b) Pizza (2 pts.).
c) Sushi (1 pt.).
d) Pasta (4 pts.).
e) Salad (5 pts.)
8 . What is your favorite holiday?.
a) Halloween (1 pt.).
b) Christmas (3 pts.).
c) New Year (2 pts.).
d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.).
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)
9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?.
a) Paris (4 pts).
b) Spain (5 pts).
c) Las Vegas (1 pt).
d) Hawaii (4 pts).
e) Hollywood (3 pts)
10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?.
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.).
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.).
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.).
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.).
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)
Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!
Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!
(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.
(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you are never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.
(24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.
(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.
(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.
(44-50 points) You are Dexter:You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in awhile to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!
Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! Change the subject of the email towhat you are and send it on!Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you. Have a greatDay !
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
New Carols
These are from exmi & I figured that there had to be someone who would get the (BAD) joke.
"Azathoth, Azathoth <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=azathoth> "
by Bryan M. Ball to the tune of "Jingle Bells" <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Jingle%20Bells>
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Center%20of%20the%20Universe> ,
Insanity he brings, Hey!
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings.
Writhing round the place
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=The%20Crawling%20Chaos> ,
Insane pipers pipe, Takes up lots of space, The stars are getting ripe. <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=R%27Lyeh>
R'Lyeh soon may rise,
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Nyarlathotep>
Nyarlathotep plots, Earth will be the prize, We'll all lose our spots. Ohhh!
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings! _____
"The Carol of the Old Ones <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Old%20Ones> "
by A.H. Leman to the tune of "Carol of the Bells
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Carol%20of%20the%20Bells>
" Look to the sky way up on high
There in the nigh stars now are right
Eons have passed now then at last
Whence They were penned
They will descend
They will return mankind will learn
New kinds of fear once They are here
As They reclaim all in Their name
Watch only can powerless man
Ignorant fools mankind now rules
Where They ruled then it's Theirs again
Madness will reign terror and pain
Woes without end where They extend
Scary scary scary scary Solstice
Very very very scary Solstice Up from the sea from underground
Down from the sky They're all around They will return mankind will learn New kinds of fear when They are hear They will return (followed by a glorious arrangement of four part harmonies) _____ "
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Great%20Old%20Ones>
Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town" by Sean Branney to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
You'd better watch out; you better go hide.
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=the%20Elder%20Sign>
And Elder Sign's needed for this Yuletide Great Old Ones are comin to town. They're making a fist and shaking it twice. They're going to hit you, naughty or nice. Great Old Ones are coming to town. They're bringing ugly Shoggoths <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=shoggoth> , And horrid Deep Ones <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Deep%20Ones> too, Shub <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Shub%20Niggurath> Niggurath is waking up And so is Cthulhu <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Cthulhu> So you better watch out, you'd better go 'way, Before the big guy comes up from R'lyeh <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=R%27lyeh> . Great Old Ones are coming to town. _____
"Hark! the Nameless Cultists Sing" by James Westbrooks to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King, Deep beneath the ocean waves, dreaming in his wat'ry grave. Soon the stars will all be right, usher in eternal night! When Cthulhu comes to reign, things here 'bouts won't be the same!'' Hark! the namesless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Cthulhu whose name strikes fear, speaks to those whose souls can hear: Late at night an artist dreams, wakes up with an awful scream. Then in clay his visions mold, pretty outre so I'm told. Visions of a scene from Hell, near impossible to sell. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Hark! the Great One's Priestly Son, Hail or you will be undone. Death and pain to most he brings, Ris'n with darkness in His wings. Waked at last no more to lie , proof that death itself may die, Born to crush the human race , wipe them out and leave no trace. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!''
"Azathoth, Azathoth <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=azathoth> "
by Bryan M. Ball to the tune of "Jingle Bells" <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Jingle%20Bells>
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Center%20of%20the%20Universe> ,
Insanity he brings, Hey!
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings.
Writhing round the place
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=The%20Crawling%20Chaos> ,
Insane pipers pipe, Takes up lots of space, The stars are getting ripe. <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=R%27Lyeh>
R'Lyeh soon may rise,
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Nyarlathotep>
Nyarlathotep plots, Earth will be the prize, We'll all lose our spots. Ohhh!
Azathoth, Azathoth, Azathoth, the King, Center of the Universe, Insanity he brings! _____
"The Carol of the Old Ones <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Old%20Ones> "
by A.H. Leman to the tune of "Carol of the Bells
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Carol%20of%20the%20Bells>
" Look to the sky way up on high
There in the nigh stars now are right
Eons have passed now then at last
Whence They were penned
They will descend
They will return mankind will learn
New kinds of fear once They are here
As They reclaim all in Their name
Watch only can powerless man
Ignorant fools mankind now rules
Where They ruled then it's Theirs again
Madness will reign terror and pain
Woes without end where They extend
Scary scary scary scary Solstice
Very very very scary Solstice Up from the sea from underground
Down from the sky They're all around They will return mankind will learn New kinds of fear when They are hear They will return (followed by a glorious arrangement of four part harmonies) _____ "
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Great%20Old%20Ones>
Great Old Ones Are Coming to Town" by Sean Branney to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"
You'd better watch out; you better go hide.
<http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=the%20Elder%20Sign>
And Elder Sign's needed for this Yuletide Great Old Ones are comin to town. They're making a fist and shaking it twice. They're going to hit you, naughty or nice. Great Old Ones are coming to town. They're bringing ugly Shoggoths <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=shoggoth> , And horrid Deep Ones <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Deep%20Ones> too, Shub <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Shub%20Niggurath> Niggurath is waking up And so is Cthulhu <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=Cthulhu> So you better watch out, you'd better go 'way, Before the big guy comes up from R'lyeh <http://everything2.net/index.pl?node=R%27lyeh> . Great Old Ones are coming to town. _____
"Hark! the Nameless Cultists Sing" by James Westbrooks to the tune of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King, Deep beneath the ocean waves, dreaming in his wat'ry grave. Soon the stars will all be right, usher in eternal night! When Cthulhu comes to reign, things here 'bouts won't be the same!'' Hark! the namesless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Cthulhu whose name strikes fear, speaks to those whose souls can hear: Late at night an artist dreams, wakes up with an awful scream. Then in clay his visions mold, pretty outre so I'm told. Visions of a scene from Hell, near impossible to sell. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!'' Hark! the Great One's Priestly Son, Hail or you will be undone. Death and pain to most he brings, Ris'n with darkness in His wings. Waked at last no more to lie , proof that death itself may die, Born to crush the human race , wipe them out and leave no trace. Hark! the nameless cultists sing, ``Glory to our dreaming King!''
Friday, December 09, 2005
Playing Today
I was taking some time to surf the net today & decided to visit some of the blogs I have bookmarked here. Looking at Word Incarnates last 2 postings, all I can say is "OUCH!" Especially since I am 1 who uses this as a way to journal in a stream of conscious. I also vent, review various forms of drivel, and generally lack any purpose beyond letting of steam so that I do not say something I should not.
But do I have any deep, philosophical thoughts? Nope. Do I bring up uncomfortable questions? Not this chicky! What do I blather on about? Dreams, books I have read, and how thong underwear is not that bad. As I sit here, staring at the screen, I am debating if I should be more profound & start posting my views on today's news. My internal wrestling has come to an end. The answer is a resounding "NO!"
I will remark on things like a conversation I just had about the differences between various churches & the stupidity of today's college students, but that is as far in to intellectual posts as I will get. Otherwise, I will stick to drivel, whines, rants, and the routine moans & groans.
As for the conversation I just had, we covered many areas and I was completely out of my depth because I just do not follow politics all that closely. But 1 of the political commentator's had a "contest" with a college girl who was from some mid-eastern school & part of the local college radio show. The girl was asked questions like who is Miers? (no clue) Who is the Vice President? (Al Gore) Can you name 5 senators? (nope) Who is Paris Hiltons sister? (She knew, though I don't) That just disturbs me because I see that sort of narrow knowledge base more & more.
We also discussed how some building are more "holy" than others. I admit to being biased and all that hookum, but some of the most inspiring buildings I have ever been in include Russian Orthodox Catholic churches in particular but catholic old style buildings in general, Buddhist temples, mosques, and Jewish temples.
During this conversation, I also had 1 of those flashes of obvious insight that occasionally occur to me. A comment was made that part of the reason the Catholic church appealed was the "order" and the "traditions," that go along with the "TRADITIONS." The insight was that probably part of the appeal is that we are both obsessive compulsive personalities & live for order & traditions. I am probably going to kill some time today looking to see if anyone has ever done personality work-ups of the great religious leaders who led revolts against the Catholic Church (Lutherans, Mennonites, etc.) Wonder how many were extroverts who rebelled against authority?
But do I have any deep, philosophical thoughts? Nope. Do I bring up uncomfortable questions? Not this chicky! What do I blather on about? Dreams, books I have read, and how thong underwear is not that bad. As I sit here, staring at the screen, I am debating if I should be more profound & start posting my views on today's news. My internal wrestling has come to an end. The answer is a resounding "NO!"
I will remark on things like a conversation I just had about the differences between various churches & the stupidity of today's college students, but that is as far in to intellectual posts as I will get. Otherwise, I will stick to drivel, whines, rants, and the routine moans & groans.
As for the conversation I just had, we covered many areas and I was completely out of my depth because I just do not follow politics all that closely. But 1 of the political commentator's had a "contest" with a college girl who was from some mid-eastern school & part of the local college radio show. The girl was asked questions like who is Miers? (no clue) Who is the Vice President? (Al Gore) Can you name 5 senators? (nope) Who is Paris Hiltons sister? (She knew, though I don't) That just disturbs me because I see that sort of narrow knowledge base more & more.
We also discussed how some building are more "holy" than others. I admit to being biased and all that hookum, but some of the most inspiring buildings I have ever been in include Russian Orthodox Catholic churches in particular but catholic old style buildings in general, Buddhist temples, mosques, and Jewish temples.
During this conversation, I also had 1 of those flashes of obvious insight that occasionally occur to me. A comment was made that part of the reason the Catholic church appealed was the "order" and the "traditions," that go along with the "TRADITIONS." The insight was that probably part of the appeal is that we are both obsessive compulsive personalities & live for order & traditions. I am probably going to kill some time today looking to see if anyone has ever done personality work-ups of the great religious leaders who led revolts against the Catholic Church (Lutherans, Mennonites, etc.) Wonder how many were extroverts who rebelled against authority?
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Weird Dream
I can tell that I am stressed & about to completely lose my temper soon. I have started having horrible intense dreams. I can not relay what the specifics of the conversation were in this dream, but I can tell you what the cast wore & other details.
Last night I dreamt that I was at a seminar & we were sitting at those horribly uncomfortable plastic desk chairs. On the left side of me was a girl friend who had also been drafted to go to this seminar. (She was wearing a Burgundy flowered skirt, black v-neck sweater & sling back heels.)
In front of me was a cute married guy with slightly buck teeth who was a lot of fun & kept writing notes for us to read over his shoulder about the seminar leader. Behind me was a REALLY attractive guy in khaki slacks & green sweater, with green eyes who was flirting outrageously. On my right side (& this is what is truly weird) was sitting an ex-lover of mine in light khaki's & a white button down shirt.
In the dream, & I honestly can't recall the specifics, we were being the obnoxious crew in the back of the room. And somehow we got on to my single status & I made some sort of snarky comment that my ex could not have avoided hearing unless he had suddenly gone deaf. That is when he turned around & made the only comment I can recall with any clarity, and it was something about how he is not my ex.
It was about that point that 1 of the cats announced in his tried & true method of scratching his claws down the window to tell me that he wanted out. So I got up to follow his orders & went back to a dreamless sleep.
Last night I dreamt that I was at a seminar & we were sitting at those horribly uncomfortable plastic desk chairs. On the left side of me was a girl friend who had also been drafted to go to this seminar. (She was wearing a Burgundy flowered skirt, black v-neck sweater & sling back heels.)
In front of me was a cute married guy with slightly buck teeth who was a lot of fun & kept writing notes for us to read over his shoulder about the seminar leader. Behind me was a REALLY attractive guy in khaki slacks & green sweater, with green eyes who was flirting outrageously. On my right side (& this is what is truly weird) was sitting an ex-lover of mine in light khaki's & a white button down shirt.
In the dream, & I honestly can't recall the specifics, we were being the obnoxious crew in the back of the room. And somehow we got on to my single status & I made some sort of snarky comment that my ex could not have avoided hearing unless he had suddenly gone deaf. That is when he turned around & made the only comment I can recall with any clarity, and it was something about how he is not my ex.
It was about that point that 1 of the cats announced in his tried & true method of scratching his claws down the window to tell me that he wanted out. So I got up to follow his orders & went back to a dreamless sleep.
Be Careful What You Wish For
I have relearned a horrible truth. I should have kept my mouth shut because my life has become amazingly busy & none of it is fun.
My current supervisor is going to retire this Dec. The 31st is his last day. I am thrilled for him & all that hoopla. The problems lie in how it will be April before his replacement starts. So between now & then, his supervisor will be here and she is not my favorite personality type. My least favorite personality type is actually one of my employees. She is the passive aggressive/oblivious type with a dash of smug self righteousness thrown in to just grate. Since she also stinks of mothballs, I have a hard time dealing with her. Throw in the fact that my retiring supervisor has let her continue all of her bad behavior with nothing but occasional verbal warnings & "reviews" of her evaluations, and she has had no reason to change. So now that he is leaving, I now have to joy of dealing with her without any buffers. Since I also now have the authority to say "NO!" to her, there is going to be hell until all the little quirks are shifted out & I am sooo not looking forward to being the one to point out that, no, she can not rearrange the schedule just so that she can go see her daughter play soccer. Since I am understaffed even when everyone is healthy & there are no problems any more, this is going to be a big issue soon.
But my retiring bosses supervisor is the annoying type. I will be among the 1st to say that she is highly intelligent and has made several major improvements to the system and has made life vastly easier with her mania for rules and methods. However, she can not carry a thought to its conclusion to save her life. She has managed to tick off almost everyone I have dealt with within this organization. She has those annoying speech habits that are enough to have me screaming. If I hear, "the scoop is . . ." one more time, I will present her with a freaking ice cream scoop and say something snarky out of sheer rebellion.
My peer within the county & I had a meeting with her to discuss the changes that will take place in January, and she "closed" the meeting with a statement that bewildered & infuriated. Seems that she is grooming various individuals within the system to become leaders and she hopes to include us (though I think she really meant my peer & not me). She feels that leaders tend to be more people oriented and able to lead others to become even more outstanding than they already are. But as managers, all we do is take care of the building and let our supervisors and leaders handle the people.
She then continued to tell me that I was too negative - which I am but that is a matter of growing up in a catholic Italian household & serious trust issues - and that as a "devil's advocate" I needed to become more positive and stop questioning.
Can anyone guess why I am bewildered & infuriated? Especially since, up until now, I have not even spent 8 hours in contact of any sort with this woman over a 2 year period?
What makes these comments bearable is that my retiring boss (waah!) & several others have all pointed out that I do tend to have rather intelligent questions that require an acknowledgement that I do now how to think. Even worse, she has to acknowledge that I am as well educated as she is. Since that is not acceptable to her as an ALA accredited supervisor, then I am (obviously) a pesky thorn in her side. To compound my flaws, I am not a bubbly personality & lean more towards suspicious, anti-social, & generally ready to be stabbed in the back.
I am sure that this will all work out, but it is going to be a miserable few months until our replacement coordinator arrives.
My current supervisor is going to retire this Dec. The 31st is his last day. I am thrilled for him & all that hoopla. The problems lie in how it will be April before his replacement starts. So between now & then, his supervisor will be here and she is not my favorite personality type. My least favorite personality type is actually one of my employees. She is the passive aggressive/oblivious type with a dash of smug self righteousness thrown in to just grate. Since she also stinks of mothballs, I have a hard time dealing with her. Throw in the fact that my retiring supervisor has let her continue all of her bad behavior with nothing but occasional verbal warnings & "reviews" of her evaluations, and she has had no reason to change. So now that he is leaving, I now have to joy of dealing with her without any buffers. Since I also now have the authority to say "NO!" to her, there is going to be hell until all the little quirks are shifted out & I am sooo not looking forward to being the one to point out that, no, she can not rearrange the schedule just so that she can go see her daughter play soccer. Since I am understaffed even when everyone is healthy & there are no problems any more, this is going to be a big issue soon.
But my retiring bosses supervisor is the annoying type. I will be among the 1st to say that she is highly intelligent and has made several major improvements to the system and has made life vastly easier with her mania for rules and methods. However, she can not carry a thought to its conclusion to save her life. She has managed to tick off almost everyone I have dealt with within this organization. She has those annoying speech habits that are enough to have me screaming. If I hear, "the scoop is . . ." one more time, I will present her with a freaking ice cream scoop and say something snarky out of sheer rebellion.
My peer within the county & I had a meeting with her to discuss the changes that will take place in January, and she "closed" the meeting with a statement that bewildered & infuriated. Seems that she is grooming various individuals within the system to become leaders and she hopes to include us (though I think she really meant my peer & not me). She feels that leaders tend to be more people oriented and able to lead others to become even more outstanding than they already are. But as managers, all we do is take care of the building and let our supervisors and leaders handle the people.
She then continued to tell me that I was too negative - which I am but that is a matter of growing up in a catholic Italian household & serious trust issues - and that as a "devil's advocate" I needed to become more positive and stop questioning.
Can anyone guess why I am bewildered & infuriated? Especially since, up until now, I have not even spent 8 hours in contact of any sort with this woman over a 2 year period?
What makes these comments bearable is that my retiring boss (waah!) & several others have all pointed out that I do tend to have rather intelligent questions that require an acknowledgement that I do now how to think. Even worse, she has to acknowledge that I am as well educated as she is. Since that is not acceptable to her as an ALA accredited supervisor, then I am (obviously) a pesky thorn in her side. To compound my flaws, I am not a bubbly personality & lean more towards suspicious, anti-social, & generally ready to be stabbed in the back.
I am sure that this will all work out, but it is going to be a miserable few months until our replacement coordinator arrives.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
This Bothers Me
Can anyone figure out why this forwarded email bothers me?
The lady that wrote this letter is Pam Foster of Pamela Foster and Associates in Atlanta. She's been in business since 1980 doing interior design and home planning. She recently wrote a letter to a family member serving in Iraq in response to their questioning ofAmerican coverage of the war. Read it!
WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS?
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11,2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they? And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all. I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime inSaudi Arabia. I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill ofRights. In the mean time, when I hear a story about a brave Marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I DON"T CARE! When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care. When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care. When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care. And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and --you guessed it. If you agree with this view point, pass this on to all your e-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country.
For those who can't guess, it does not matter that I do agree with a lot of the opinions expressed, especially those about the media. However, I despise people who try & guilt others into doing something. I do not care if it is patriotism or family solidarity. it still makes the author an insecure bully & that always gets my hackles up.
The lady that wrote this letter is Pam Foster of Pamela Foster and Associates in Atlanta. She's been in business since 1980 doing interior design and home planning. She recently wrote a letter to a family member serving in Iraq in response to their questioning ofAmerican coverage of the war. Read it!
WHAT'S ALL THE FUSS?
"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11,2001? Were people from all over the world, mostly Americans, not brutally murdered that day, in downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they? And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care at all. I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11. I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere possession of which is a crime inSaudi Arabia. I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed throat. I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents" in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques. I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs. I'll care when the American media stops pretending that their First Amendment liberties are somehow derived from international law instead of the United States Constitution's Bill ofRights. In the mean time, when I hear a story about a brave Marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain information, know this: I DON"T CARE! When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I don't care. When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I don't care. When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that his holy book is being "mishandled," you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I don't care. And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and --you guessed it. If you agree with this view point, pass this on to all your e-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous behavior! If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country.
For those who can't guess, it does not matter that I do agree with a lot of the opinions expressed, especially those about the media. However, I despise people who try & guilt others into doing something. I do not care if it is patriotism or family solidarity. it still makes the author an insecure bully & that always gets my hackles up.
I Finally Get It
Yesterday, I did something truly un-amazing. I got lost on my way to work. How? Simple really, While there are multiple routes to get from home to work, I rarely (as in never) take them because they not only take too long but THERE IS NOTHING THERE! Houses are a treat and street lights are nonexistent type nothing. Mile after mile of pine trees. Since I already see mile after mile of pine tree on my current drive, I have no desire to explore country back roads that are even further out of the way than the ones I already know.
However, the GA-DOT decided to screw with my world a bit and actually pay attention to my griping. Well, maybe not mine, but there is a long stretch where there are more pot holes than actual road. So the road is closed indefinitely until it is fixed. I, being a bit of zombie when I drive, had seen the signs but just never went much past the thought that I really needed to remember that. So when they actually did close the road, I was completely unprepared.
So, since I had no idea where I was at but could not go forward the way I usually went, I got lost. I just loved every minute of being out in the middle of nowhere with only the comforting thought that I knew 1 of the highways I did know would eventually show up. Fortunately, I did luck onto a road I recognized & I was only 1/2 an hour late. Pause while I thank the Lord there were no cops because I was flying.
While I was flying down the road, I realized something rather disturbing. I finally figured out why my sister likes country music. Let me say that I am fond of just about all types of music, but opera, rap, western, country-western, & country are my least favorite genres. Pretty much in that order, as well. I am fond of just about all types of music. In my personal collection I have everything from Lords of Acid to ancient Japanese flute CD's. It is singing that I have a tough time sitting through. Most singers really just can't & it hurts, physically hurts.
But yesterday, while driving in a desperate attempt to find a road I recognized, I was listening to 106.9 the Gator & was impressed by what they played. It is a local country station & the 2 songs that distracted me & kept me listening involved rather sad themes. The 1st was by a woman & she was signing about how "she" had never walked on the moon, sung before a sold out crowd in NY, etc., but she was still someone's hero. She was "the keeper of the Cheerios," the one who with a smile let you know you mattered, and basically I turned into a watering pot about the point with the line about keeper of the Cheerios. I was then just bawling when the next song started. Once again, I have no clue who was singing, but this 1 was about a girl who was scared too death as she sat in the waiting room and as the dr. told her something was wrong between her white cells & red cells. And at the end of the song, her 1st love had just arrived to take her to the prom, and when he took off his cap, he was as bald as she was. I lost it, I admit it; though part of that was because I finally figured out just where I was.
I am such a sap.
However, the GA-DOT decided to screw with my world a bit and actually pay attention to my griping. Well, maybe not mine, but there is a long stretch where there are more pot holes than actual road. So the road is closed indefinitely until it is fixed. I, being a bit of zombie when I drive, had seen the signs but just never went much past the thought that I really needed to remember that. So when they actually did close the road, I was completely unprepared.
So, since I had no idea where I was at but could not go forward the way I usually went, I got lost. I just loved every minute of being out in the middle of nowhere with only the comforting thought that I knew 1 of the highways I did know would eventually show up. Fortunately, I did luck onto a road I recognized & I was only 1/2 an hour late. Pause while I thank the Lord there were no cops because I was flying.
While I was flying down the road, I realized something rather disturbing. I finally figured out why my sister likes country music. Let me say that I am fond of just about all types of music, but opera, rap, western, country-western, & country are my least favorite genres. Pretty much in that order, as well. I am fond of just about all types of music. In my personal collection I have everything from Lords of Acid to ancient Japanese flute CD's. It is singing that I have a tough time sitting through. Most singers really just can't & it hurts, physically hurts.
But yesterday, while driving in a desperate attempt to find a road I recognized, I was listening to 106.9 the Gator & was impressed by what they played. It is a local country station & the 2 songs that distracted me & kept me listening involved rather sad themes. The 1st was by a woman & she was signing about how "she" had never walked on the moon, sung before a sold out crowd in NY, etc., but she was still someone's hero. She was "the keeper of the Cheerios," the one who with a smile let you know you mattered, and basically I turned into a watering pot about the point with the line about keeper of the Cheerios. I was then just bawling when the next song started. Once again, I have no clue who was singing, but this 1 was about a girl who was scared too death as she sat in the waiting room and as the dr. told her something was wrong between her white cells & red cells. And at the end of the song, her 1st love had just arrived to take her to the prom, and when he took off his cap, he was as bald as she was. I lost it, I admit it; though part of that was because I finally figured out just where I was.
I am such a sap.
Monday, November 21, 2005
It's Monday
I have found at the ever wonderful Wal-mart a wonderful way to annoy people. I found the Christmas bell jewelry. At $1 a piece, not to bad, & when it goes on sale I am REALLY going to stock up on the stuff. Right now I am wearing the bell bracelet on the same wrist as my metal watch so every key stroke, every step, every time I pick something up, the bells jingle. It is so freaking annoyingly cheerful & holiday themed that no one can really complain. I am loving it! It helps that I honestly love bells and would cheerfully wear bells dripping from my toes like they do in that old nursery rhyme from Mother Goose -
Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady upon a white horse;
rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
and she shall have music wherever she goes.
There is something about that nursery rhyme & the standard drawings that accompany it that I just like. Since I am the type who has bells and chimes hanging throughout every room in the house, on nearly every door, then wearing them is a shift in weight, forget small step.
This morning, while puttering, I reached a conclusion the exmi in particular will appreciate. I decided that I would stop decorating the bathrooms in frogs. You will have to ask him what his issues are about my froggy bathrooms, but as I looked around I decided that I preferred the chimes, bells & cats. The frogs are going to have to go. I like the little happy green frogs myself, or the funny ones with crowns, but there is only so much you can do with frogs. While I like the cheerful green, I vastly prefer the sound of the chimes and bells when I turn on the fans, open doors, or the cats walk through them. Frogs just aren't that soothing.
Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross,
To see a fine lady upon a white horse;
rings on her fingers and bells on her toes,
and she shall have music wherever she goes.
There is something about that nursery rhyme & the standard drawings that accompany it that I just like. Since I am the type who has bells and chimes hanging throughout every room in the house, on nearly every door, then wearing them is a shift in weight, forget small step.
This morning, while puttering, I reached a conclusion the exmi in particular will appreciate. I decided that I would stop decorating the bathrooms in frogs. You will have to ask him what his issues are about my froggy bathrooms, but as I looked around I decided that I preferred the chimes, bells & cats. The frogs are going to have to go. I like the little happy green frogs myself, or the funny ones with crowns, but there is only so much you can do with frogs. While I like the cheerful green, I vastly prefer the sound of the chimes and bells when I turn on the fans, open doors, or the cats walk through them. Frogs just aren't that soothing.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Thursday's Thoughts
It is Thursday and the worst is over for another week. Story time is over so all the little spawn have left, the building is picked up and all the toys put back, and it is QUIET! It helps that I have finished all of my chores and can play for the rest of the day.
I am returning to a well-nigh permanent rant for a bit, so please excuse the repetition. I have just been informed – AGAIN! – that as a single female I am not doing God’s Will. Seems that it is in the Bible that women are to be married and producing children while listening to their men folk about what is best for them.
Does "what a load of shit" mean anything to anyone? I get so freaking tired of this crap & it grates because I seem to have this mystical sign floating above my head that says, ”She Cares!” and “She needs to hear this!” Now, since I do not care & really do not want to hear anyone’s life story, I find this rather trying & my nerves do not stand the stress well. I am already fairly high strung, but this pushes every last nerve I have. Just because I say hello and have a smile on my face, oh, & actually look at people, does not mean I give a rat’s ass.
OK, that’s done. Thank you for bearing with me.
Change of subject now, but I just got in yesterday’s mail a wonderful surprise from a friend of mine. She sent me the “Firefly” series, along with a wonderful vanilla-scented candle, stickers, stationary, and an absolutely adorable note pad that I will probably take the cover & frame because I like it so much, and some odds & ends for my cats. Opening that box just brightened my day immeasurably.
Then, to help her gift counteract the evil miasma created by the hounding I have been receiving lately, 2 other friends sent me pictures! Yippie! 1 set was of a friend & her 4 month old adorable daughter. Those were fantastic!
The other set was an online album that another friend took while she was doing her missionary work in the Ukraine. Those pictures were enough to make me grateful for modern kitchens. Anytime I do not have to use a make to start the fire so that I can make breakfast, I am going to say a small prayer of thanksgiving. Every kitchen picture in that album has an oven that requires wood or coal. Yes, I could fumble my way through the experience, but give me modern appliances any day of the week.
Then, 1 of my staunch supporters here at work sent me this joke.
Subject: 1st GRADE!! 3rd grade test A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
Changing subjects again, but this is a bit of personal trivia that is bugging me. Due to a death, I contacted my ex-fiancé via his grandfather so that he would know and could send his condolences. I figured it was the right thing to do because the person who had just died mattered in his personal world. Mattered in mine as well, but I could not get off work to attend the funeral so all I can do is send a card & flowers. But anyway, the point is that instead of hearing back from the ex, I got an email telling me how he & his wife had separated and he had disappeared.
This blew me away completely because his mother is the sun his world revolves around, with his father & grandfather being the moons. They were incredibly close and, when I knew them well, they adored one another. So now my curiosity streak is itching madly because I want to know what happened to change the situation. I will be the 1st to agree that he is/was an arrogant, pompous, chauvinistic, control freak, but those adjectives can easily apply to me as well, though I hope no one has ever thought of me as chauvinistic. But I did live with him for more years than I care to recall & he was exactly what I needed when we met. So I guess I still care about how he is doing. Not enough to go track him down or anything insane like that, but I want to know that he is at least content.
From the letters he sent up till his marriage, I think he was desperately unhappy, but when he met his now ex-wife, he was happy again & it was SUCH a relief. I had been feeling guilty because I had broken up with him & since we had been in the middle of wedding plans, I know it was a definite shock. He actually joined the military once he finally accepted my decision, though in his letters he made it clear he did it partially because he could not find a job, partially to help keep his mind occupied, and partially to become more of the man he thought I wanted & needed.
Does guilt trip sound about right to anyone else? Thank God I have the circle of friends I do because it almost worked.
But, he met someone & amazingly enough my life became vastly easier, though the letter that came with his wedding invitation was rather odd. I hope to NEVER get a letter like that again. She informed me that she appreciated all the experiences the 2 of us had together because it helped make him the man she fell in love with, and how she hoped that we could become friends because I obviously meant so much to him & she just knew we were destined to be friends.
I had visions of arsenic in my dinner. I sent a gift along with my decision not to attend.
Seemed the smart thing to do.
Subject change –
I realized this morning when I stepped outside & it had gone from the mid-80’s to lower 50’s that I need different shoes. I did a mental tally of what I own shoe wise & realized that I have my heels that go with various formal wear, I have sandals ranging from plastic flip flops to the Dr. Scholl’s slip-ons, tennis shoes not fit for public viewing (which is why I wear them only at 6 am to take the dogs walking) & a pair of knee high moccasins. That is it. I have nothing remotely resembling casual work shoes that I can wear with skirts or slacks when it gets chilly.
This is terrifying because it means I have to brave shoe departments. I wear a 6 ½ with an extremely high arch, which means that I need shoes with laces or low in front so that I can get them on. Wearing a 6 ½ shoe means I have to go questing because that is not a common size. To further complicate matters, the only time I wear brown is if it is a leather bomber jacket. Otherwise, I have NOTHING brown, unless you count greenish khaki slacks as brown. So that cuts ½ the remaining selection down. And then there is the comfort aspect which means anything remotely attractive has to be tried on because there is a fairly strong chance they will not fit, even if they do match all the necessary superficial criteria.
I can find an entire outfit from the skin out, including purse & jewelry, faster than I can find 1 pair of shoes. This is terrifying.
I also need my hair trimmed, which is just annoying.
Ooops. Just checked my work email & had a nasty gram. Nothing like petty annoyances to make life just grand and show what people are really like. But I have checked out several cookbooks & have left them with various friends. Problem is that they are past due & I can’t renew them because there are holds. Normally not a big deal, except that the next person waiting for these cookbooks is my uber boss & she is a general pain. Not a bad person, but generally the sort I would rather go to the dentist for a root canal than sit through another meeting she chairs. Oh well. Guess I get to be demanding & gather up books this weekend.
I just found this at cnn.com –
'Literary' texts no more?
Project reduces classic works to text messages
Thursday, November 17, 2005; Posted: 2:32 p.m. EST (19:32 GMT)
Bottom of Form
LONDON, England (AP) -- "Romeo, Romeo -- wher4 Rt thou Romeo?"
It could be the future of Shakespeare.
Dot mobile, a British mobile phone service aimed at students, says it plans to condense classic works of literature into SMS text messages. The company claims the service will be a valuable resource for studying for exams.
Academic purists will be horrified. Hamlet's famous query, "To be or not to be, that is the question," becomes "2b? Nt2b? ???"
John Milton's epic poem "Paradise Lost" begins "devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war." ("The devil is kicked out of heaven because he is jealous of Jesus and starts a war.")
Some may dismiss the summaries as cheat notes for the attention-deficit generation, but John Sutherland, a University College London English professor who consulted on the project, said they could act as a useful memory aid.
"The educational opportunities it offers are immense," said Sutherland, who chaired the judging panel for this year's Booker Prize for fiction.
Sutherland said the compressed nature of text messages allowed them to "fillet out the important elements in a plot."
"Take for example the ending to Jane Eyre -- 'MadwyfSetsFyr2Haus.' (Mad wife sets fire to house.) Was ever a climax better compressed?"
But political commentator and author Oliver Kamm said the terse texts were "more than a travesty."
"What you lose with text messaging in literature is what makes literature what it is -- the imagery, the irony, the nuance," he told British Broadcasting Corp. radio.
"What I fear will happen with text versions of Shakespeare is that students will be encouraged not to read the books but to settle for something else, and people don't need excuses not to read books. They don't read enough as it is."
Books planned for the service include Charles Dickens' "Bleak House," whose tale of the interminable legal suit of Jarndyce and Jarndyce is reduced to a few snappy lines, and Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice," which describes hunky Mr. Darcy as "fit&loadd" (handsome and wealthy).
Dot mobile said it planned to launch the service in January, with Shakespeare's complete works available by April. The texts will be free to subscribers to the company's phone service.
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Talk about a farce!
I am returning to a well-nigh permanent rant for a bit, so please excuse the repetition. I have just been informed – AGAIN! – that as a single female I am not doing God’s Will. Seems that it is in the Bible that women are to be married and producing children while listening to their men folk about what is best for them.
Does "what a load of shit" mean anything to anyone? I get so freaking tired of this crap & it grates because I seem to have this mystical sign floating above my head that says, ”She Cares!” and “She needs to hear this!” Now, since I do not care & really do not want to hear anyone’s life story, I find this rather trying & my nerves do not stand the stress well. I am already fairly high strung, but this pushes every last nerve I have. Just because I say hello and have a smile on my face, oh, & actually look at people, does not mean I give a rat’s ass.
OK, that’s done. Thank you for bearing with me.
Change of subject now, but I just got in yesterday’s mail a wonderful surprise from a friend of mine. She sent me the “Firefly” series, along with a wonderful vanilla-scented candle, stickers, stationary, and an absolutely adorable note pad that I will probably take the cover & frame because I like it so much, and some odds & ends for my cats. Opening that box just brightened my day immeasurably.
Then, to help her gift counteract the evil miasma created by the hounding I have been receiving lately, 2 other friends sent me pictures! Yippie! 1 set was of a friend & her 4 month old adorable daughter. Those were fantastic!
The other set was an online album that another friend took while she was doing her missionary work in the Ukraine. Those pictures were enough to make me grateful for modern kitchens. Anytime I do not have to use a make to start the fire so that I can make breakfast, I am going to say a small prayer of thanksgiving. Every kitchen picture in that album has an oven that requires wood or coal. Yes, I could fumble my way through the experience, but give me modern appliances any day of the week.
Then, 1 of my staunch supporters here at work sent me this joke.
Subject: 1st GRADE!! 3rd grade test A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire truck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
Changing subjects again, but this is a bit of personal trivia that is bugging me. Due to a death, I contacted my ex-fiancé via his grandfather so that he would know and could send his condolences. I figured it was the right thing to do because the person who had just died mattered in his personal world. Mattered in mine as well, but I could not get off work to attend the funeral so all I can do is send a card & flowers. But anyway, the point is that instead of hearing back from the ex, I got an email telling me how he & his wife had separated and he had disappeared.
This blew me away completely because his mother is the sun his world revolves around, with his father & grandfather being the moons. They were incredibly close and, when I knew them well, they adored one another. So now my curiosity streak is itching madly because I want to know what happened to change the situation. I will be the 1st to agree that he is/was an arrogant, pompous, chauvinistic, control freak, but those adjectives can easily apply to me as well, though I hope no one has ever thought of me as chauvinistic. But I did live with him for more years than I care to recall & he was exactly what I needed when we met. So I guess I still care about how he is doing. Not enough to go track him down or anything insane like that, but I want to know that he is at least content.
From the letters he sent up till his marriage, I think he was desperately unhappy, but when he met his now ex-wife, he was happy again & it was SUCH a relief. I had been feeling guilty because I had broken up with him & since we had been in the middle of wedding plans, I know it was a definite shock. He actually joined the military once he finally accepted my decision, though in his letters he made it clear he did it partially because he could not find a job, partially to help keep his mind occupied, and partially to become more of the man he thought I wanted & needed.
Does guilt trip sound about right to anyone else? Thank God I have the circle of friends I do because it almost worked.
But, he met someone & amazingly enough my life became vastly easier, though the letter that came with his wedding invitation was rather odd. I hope to NEVER get a letter like that again. She informed me that she appreciated all the experiences the 2 of us had together because it helped make him the man she fell in love with, and how she hoped that we could become friends because I obviously meant so much to him & she just knew we were destined to be friends.
I had visions of arsenic in my dinner. I sent a gift along with my decision not to attend.
Seemed the smart thing to do.
Subject change –
I realized this morning when I stepped outside & it had gone from the mid-80’s to lower 50’s that I need different shoes. I did a mental tally of what I own shoe wise & realized that I have my heels that go with various formal wear, I have sandals ranging from plastic flip flops to the Dr. Scholl’s slip-ons, tennis shoes not fit for public viewing (which is why I wear them only at 6 am to take the dogs walking) & a pair of knee high moccasins. That is it. I have nothing remotely resembling casual work shoes that I can wear with skirts or slacks when it gets chilly.
This is terrifying because it means I have to brave shoe departments. I wear a 6 ½ with an extremely high arch, which means that I need shoes with laces or low in front so that I can get them on. Wearing a 6 ½ shoe means I have to go questing because that is not a common size. To further complicate matters, the only time I wear brown is if it is a leather bomber jacket. Otherwise, I have NOTHING brown, unless you count greenish khaki slacks as brown. So that cuts ½ the remaining selection down. And then there is the comfort aspect which means anything remotely attractive has to be tried on because there is a fairly strong chance they will not fit, even if they do match all the necessary superficial criteria.
I can find an entire outfit from the skin out, including purse & jewelry, faster than I can find 1 pair of shoes. This is terrifying.
I also need my hair trimmed, which is just annoying.
Ooops. Just checked my work email & had a nasty gram. Nothing like petty annoyances to make life just grand and show what people are really like. But I have checked out several cookbooks & have left them with various friends. Problem is that they are past due & I can’t renew them because there are holds. Normally not a big deal, except that the next person waiting for these cookbooks is my uber boss & she is a general pain. Not a bad person, but generally the sort I would rather go to the dentist for a root canal than sit through another meeting she chairs. Oh well. Guess I get to be demanding & gather up books this weekend.
I just found this at cnn.com –
'Literary' texts no more?
Project reduces classic works to text messages
Thursday, November 17, 2005; Posted: 2:32 p.m. EST (19:32 GMT)
Bottom of Form
LONDON, England (AP) -- "Romeo, Romeo -- wher4 Rt thou Romeo?"
It could be the future of Shakespeare.
Dot mobile, a British mobile phone service aimed at students, says it plans to condense classic works of literature into SMS text messages. The company claims the service will be a valuable resource for studying for exams.
Academic purists will be horrified. Hamlet's famous query, "To be or not to be, that is the question," becomes "2b? Nt2b? ???"
John Milton's epic poem "Paradise Lost" begins "devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war." ("The devil is kicked out of heaven because he is jealous of Jesus and starts a war.")
Some may dismiss the summaries as cheat notes for the attention-deficit generation, but John Sutherland, a University College London English professor who consulted on the project, said they could act as a useful memory aid.
"The educational opportunities it offers are immense," said Sutherland, who chaired the judging panel for this year's Booker Prize for fiction.
Sutherland said the compressed nature of text messages allowed them to "fillet out the important elements in a plot."
"Take for example the ending to Jane Eyre -- 'MadwyfSetsFyr2Haus.' (Mad wife sets fire to house.) Was ever a climax better compressed?"
But political commentator and author Oliver Kamm said the terse texts were "more than a travesty."
"What you lose with text messaging in literature is what makes literature what it is -- the imagery, the irony, the nuance," he told British Broadcasting Corp. radio.
"What I fear will happen with text versions of Shakespeare is that students will be encouraged not to read the books but to settle for something else, and people don't need excuses not to read books. They don't read enough as it is."
Books planned for the service include Charles Dickens' "Bleak House," whose tale of the interminable legal suit of Jarndyce and Jarndyce is reduced to a few snappy lines, and Jane Austen's "Pride and Prejudice," which describes hunky Mr. Darcy as "fit&loadd" (handsome and wealthy).
Dot mobile said it planned to launch the service in January, with Shakespeare's complete works available by April. The texts will be free to subscribers to the company's phone service.
Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
Talk about a farce!
Monday, November 14, 2005
Normalcy
What is normalcy? Can anyone tell me? And if my life is normal, than someone please shoot me now and end my misery.
Beyond that particularly random thought, I can't say that much else is happening. Thanks to my oh so generous nephew, I have managed to wade through a 2 week bought with a head cold. Decided that Fisherman's Friends cough drops are the best, but they are damned difficult to actually find. NyQuil is a great invention and its inventor should be cannonized for sainthood. Puffs are better than Kleenex. Stuff like that.
I have read several books but most fall under "Santa Paws Come Home!" or ""barbie and the Magical Pegasus" category. I did read the latest by Alan Dean Foster, "Running From the deity." I love the Flinx series by him and can recommend Foster without any compunction. I liked this latest installment and really want the next in the series. I also finished some romances, but unless someone really wants to know about Feehan, Wilkes, Philips, or Roberts, I won't bore my few readers with commentaries.
I watched several movies and liked most of them. "DNAngel" needs help, but I will watch the next 2 DVD's of the series because I can. "Kyo Kara Maoh!; God (?) Save the King!" was absolutely hilarious and I am going to move up my personal time line to enroll with Netflix so that I can watch the entire series. I watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and intend to buy the movie because I enjoyed it that much. I especially appreciated how it remained true to the book, which always impresses me. I also re-watched "Herbe the Love Bug; Fully Loaded" a few times too many. Much as I enjoy that movie, my nephew REALLY likes the movie faaar too much.
Different topic, but can anyone tell me ways to lose belly flab? I walk/jog a minimum of 5 miles a day now, I do various sit ups, there is yoga in my daily routine, pilates 3 times a week, push ups, walking with hand weights, lifting 50 lbs. boxes every day, yet I can't lose my tummy flab. It is getting down right annoying & I am open to any options.
This bit is based on an ongoing conversation that I hear all the fucking time here at work. So yes, I am going to rant and rant viciously. But what the hell is it with people that a woman is considered either incomplete and/or gay if she is not married &/or has children? Why is it so necessary to other people that I either pop out some kids or get married? I do not want kids, all right? They are cute, wonderful individuals, but I do not want to carry a bowling ball for 9 months & then end the misery with several hours of intense labor with multiple witnesses to my humiliated. I know it is supposed to me a mystical experience and all that, but fuck that shit. And marriage? OK, IF I were to meet someone I was willing to go to bed with for more than an hour or 2, and found them to be fun to hang around with, and they had similar interests, and they smelled right, and they liked my friends and family, and they liked similar movies and books, and they balanced me mentally and emotionally, and they liked animals, and they could cope with my family and obsessive compulsive personality, and I actually wanted to see them naked more than once, and I was willing to be naked in front of them at all, then maybe I might think about dating. Since I can't even make myself trust enough to go out for a night of mindless fucking any more, I think the odds are fairly low that I will ever really date let alone get married.
And what really gets me, and is 50% of the reason I will dig my heels in & probably never marry, is that I hate how so many people feel that marriage is the only way to go. If you are not married, then how can you have a life? How can you cope? Why would you want to even live?
IT DRIVES ME NUTS! Why should I marry at all? Even if I ever find someone I am willing to have sex with again (HAH!) marriage is financially not worth doing. And since I have seen only a limited number of worth while marriages, let alone relationships, I can't understand why it is a goal for so many people who only know me as the "Library Lady" that they must get me knocked up and/or married.
And yes, this is an issue with me. I find it offensive when people walk in & skip the social pleasantries & jump straight into a conversation about my non-existent sex life. It is non-existent by choice. I am still childless by choice. I have no desire to change this state of affairs. Why this offends so many is becoming a major point of grumpiness with me and when I get grumpy, I start getting distinctly mulish. Ornery. Hard headed. Stubborn. Pig-headed. Obnoxious. All are good ways to describe my attitude when I get pissed off because of someone trying to foist their attitudes on to my life.
I am done ranting now. Ignore the overblown hysterics. Thanks for reading.
I have too many ear worms running through my head to ever keep a straight face. EX: Any time someone asks, "who you going to call?" All I can think is "GhostBusters!" Or if someone says "My boyfriend is back," all I can think of is that old 50's song. Today I have had the Monty Python "Spam" theme music running through my head, but "germs" is substituted for "spam." Highly annoying.
Beyond that particularly random thought, I can't say that much else is happening. Thanks to my oh so generous nephew, I have managed to wade through a 2 week bought with a head cold. Decided that Fisherman's Friends cough drops are the best, but they are damned difficult to actually find. NyQuil is a great invention and its inventor should be cannonized for sainthood. Puffs are better than Kleenex. Stuff like that.
I have read several books but most fall under "Santa Paws Come Home!" or ""barbie and the Magical Pegasus" category. I did read the latest by Alan Dean Foster, "Running From the deity." I love the Flinx series by him and can recommend Foster without any compunction. I liked this latest installment and really want the next in the series. I also finished some romances, but unless someone really wants to know about Feehan, Wilkes, Philips, or Roberts, I won't bore my few readers with commentaries.
I watched several movies and liked most of them. "DNAngel" needs help, but I will watch the next 2 DVD's of the series because I can. "Kyo Kara Maoh!; God (?) Save the King!" was absolutely hilarious and I am going to move up my personal time line to enroll with Netflix so that I can watch the entire series. I watched "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and intend to buy the movie because I enjoyed it that much. I especially appreciated how it remained true to the book, which always impresses me. I also re-watched "Herbe the Love Bug; Fully Loaded" a few times too many. Much as I enjoy that movie, my nephew REALLY likes the movie faaar too much.
Different topic, but can anyone tell me ways to lose belly flab? I walk/jog a minimum of 5 miles a day now, I do various sit ups, there is yoga in my daily routine, pilates 3 times a week, push ups, walking with hand weights, lifting 50 lbs. boxes every day, yet I can't lose my tummy flab. It is getting down right annoying & I am open to any options.
This bit is based on an ongoing conversation that I hear all the fucking time here at work. So yes, I am going to rant and rant viciously. But what the hell is it with people that a woman is considered either incomplete and/or gay if she is not married &/or has children? Why is it so necessary to other people that I either pop out some kids or get married? I do not want kids, all right? They are cute, wonderful individuals, but I do not want to carry a bowling ball for 9 months & then end the misery with several hours of intense labor with multiple witnesses to my humiliated. I know it is supposed to me a mystical experience and all that, but fuck that shit. And marriage? OK, IF I were to meet someone I was willing to go to bed with for more than an hour or 2, and found them to be fun to hang around with, and they had similar interests, and they smelled right, and they liked my friends and family, and they liked similar movies and books, and they balanced me mentally and emotionally, and they liked animals, and they could cope with my family and obsessive compulsive personality, and I actually wanted to see them naked more than once, and I was willing to be naked in front of them at all, then maybe I might think about dating. Since I can't even make myself trust enough to go out for a night of mindless fucking any more, I think the odds are fairly low that I will ever really date let alone get married.
And what really gets me, and is 50% of the reason I will dig my heels in & probably never marry, is that I hate how so many people feel that marriage is the only way to go. If you are not married, then how can you have a life? How can you cope? Why would you want to even live?
IT DRIVES ME NUTS! Why should I marry at all? Even if I ever find someone I am willing to have sex with again (HAH!) marriage is financially not worth doing. And since I have seen only a limited number of worth while marriages, let alone relationships, I can't understand why it is a goal for so many people who only know me as the "Library Lady" that they must get me knocked up and/or married.
And yes, this is an issue with me. I find it offensive when people walk in & skip the social pleasantries & jump straight into a conversation about my non-existent sex life. It is non-existent by choice. I am still childless by choice. I have no desire to change this state of affairs. Why this offends so many is becoming a major point of grumpiness with me and when I get grumpy, I start getting distinctly mulish. Ornery. Hard headed. Stubborn. Pig-headed. Obnoxious. All are good ways to describe my attitude when I get pissed off because of someone trying to foist their attitudes on to my life.
I am done ranting now. Ignore the overblown hysterics. Thanks for reading.
I have too many ear worms running through my head to ever keep a straight face. EX: Any time someone asks, "who you going to call?" All I can think is "GhostBusters!" Or if someone says "My boyfriend is back," all I can think of is that old 50's song. Today I have had the Monty Python "Spam" theme music running through my head, but "germs" is substituted for "spam." Highly annoying.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
100 Worst children's Books
A bit raunchy, so consider yorself warned.
"Ah, children. The opiate of the masses..."
~ Oscar Wilde
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* Childrens Books ever made. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
100. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
(USA, 1988) The world's favorite inquisitive monkey learns "don't whizz on the electric fence".
99. Paddington Gets Rabies
(UK, 1989) Fun and frolics as Mr Brown takes out Paddington "Atticus Finch" style.
98. Dr Seuss's Malpractice ABC
(USA, 1968) A is for Accidental Amputation.
The follow-up to Little Miss Sociopath
97. Little Miss Psycho
(UK, 1999) A guide for every little girl on how to handle modern relationships.
96. Baldylocks and the Three Hairs
(Canada, 1989) Written at the height of the PC movement, Baldylocks is the heartwarming tale of a follically challenged Accountant from Winnipeg.
95. What's Daddy Doing?
(USA, 1993) Sex Education book aimed at the under 10s. Contains graphic content.
94. The Illustrated Fishmonger
(UK, 2002) Uncle Bob smells of fish, in colour and Scratch'n'Sniff.
93. The Little Train Who Couldn't
(USA, 1973) Abject failure and how to deal with it.
92. Bumper Book of Fun
(China, 1982) How much fun could colouring in Clowns and Space Monkeys be? World Record Holder for worst dot-to-dot puzzle known to man.
91. Hey Presto! You're A Corporate Whore!
(USA, 2004) Aims to teach kids how to embrace consumerism in a label-driven world.
90. Horton Hires a Ho
(USA, 1978) Sequel to "Horton Hears a Who", it failed miserably upon first release, but gained cult popularity in the early 1990s.
89. White is Right
(South Africa, 1982) A guide to Apartheid for the very young.
88. Garry the Garbage Truck
(UK, 2001) A failed effort to cash in on the popularity of "Thomas the Tank Engine".
87. Jerry Gerbil and the Pink Cave
(USA, 1996) by Richard Gere.
86. Little Chew Chew
(USA, 2000) by Mike Tyson.
85. When the Lights Go Out
(USA, 2004) A adaptation of the Paris Hilton video for children.
84. Willy Wonka and the Fudge Tunnel
(UK, 1983) A painful chapter in the Willy Wonka saga.
83. Old MacDonald had a Million Cows
(USA, 1966) Introduction to large scale intensive farming techniques for the under fives.
82. Tom Swift and The Atomic Dildo
(USA, 1958)
Clifford takes the Last Ride
81. Clifford Goes to Sleep
(USA, 2003) The final chapter in the tale of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
80. Wiffles the Dog's Dick
(USA, 1994) Book by William Shatner made into an animated classic A Dog's Dick, this is the tale of a Pet Detective, created by the WangaFilms Studio.
79. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(Namibia, 1972) Join Charles Manson and his family on a hilarious romp through a magical chocolate factory as dead and dying Oompah Loompahs pile up like cordwood!
78 The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Leather Bar
(USA, 1978) teenaged amateur sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy travel to New York's famous Greenwich Village
77. The Little Red Light District
(USA, 1961)
76. The Cat in the Hat Got Back
(USA, 1978) Cashing in on the blaxploitation craze, Dr. Seuss pens the tale of one hot pussy!
75. Aleister Crowley's Little Book of Bible Verse
(UK, 1920) This book contains Satanic messages when read backwards. And forwards, for that matter.
74. Darwin says your ancestors were monkey-fuckers
(USA, 2003) Required educational reading in many US states, this Intelligent Design promotional publication explains that under Darwin's theory your ancestors had to fuck monkeys while they waited for human women to evolve - needless to say God doesn't like that idea very much.
73. Clifford the Big Dead Dog
(USA, 2004) Unable to give up the franchise, the publishers drag old Clifford out once more.
72. Programming Perl for Pre-Schoolers
(USA, 2005) Getting our generation of script-kiddies better trained than their script kiddies - to prepare for the oncoming future cyber-apolcalypse. Plus kids love the cute camel!
71. Clifford and the Corpse Bride
(USA, 2005) Book of the Film. Clifford gets the Tim Burton treatment. With Helen Bonham-Carter and Johnny Depp. Again.
70. Barney and the Big Purple Asteroid
(USA, 2001) "Oh no," says Barney, "my watch says it's almost the Eocene." Hilarity ensues as Barney discovers ELE ISN'T a girl's name.
Pooh the Bear played by Charles Manson in the film Spetters
70,5. Pooh the Bear
(UK, 1998) Daddy leaves Mom and lives with his new friend Pooh, a hairy Bear, with hairy chest, hairy arms and sexy hairy legs. The novel on which the film Spetters is based.
69. Little Miss PMT
(UK, 2001) Little Miss Psycho is back, and this time she's pissed.
68. What Katy Did
(USA, 1945) Find out exactly why Auntie Katherine needed that frontal lobotomy.
67. Clifford and the Army of Darkness
(USA, 2005) The Clifford franchise is picked up by Sam Raimi. Hilarity ensues. Featuring Bruce Campbell.
66. Modern Nursery Rhymes
(UK, 1987) "Mary had a BMX, she rode it back to FRONT, everytime the peddles turned, the seat went up her.....dress", and many more.
65. The Cat In The Fat
(No. Korea, 2003) Dr. Suess' beloved creation goes for a Wok when he meets hungry North Korean villagers!
64. Hansel, Gretel and Me -- Confessions of Betrayal
(USA, 2003) Alton Brown explains his rare experiments on young human subjects.
63. Ten Fun Activities With Fire
(USA, 1956) Discover new ways to spice up playtime with the lovable mascot "Sparky."
62. Vomit, The Talking Head Louse
(USA, 1904) The adventures of Vomit The Head Louse and his pal Ernie The Brain Burrowing Tick.
61. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids - A Survival Guide for America's Families
(USA, 2005). The fourth chapter is entitled How to Eat Your Mom and Dad's Corpses if the Car Crashes in the Mountains
60. Playground Bullying - Top Advice from the Experts
(USA, 2004) Experts in playground bullying give their top tips and advice - chapters include "How to hold down a weak kid and knee him in the nuts" , "Public Humiliation Masterclass" and "Top Ten Tips for How to Make Girls Cry"
59. Close Encounters of the Third Grade
(USA, 1978) Hitler has come back as a kid, and he's pissed.
58. The Last Temptation of Harry Potter
(UK, 2006) It's the last day before Harry's crucifixion, and Draco has an indecent proposal for him.
57. The Satanic Preschool
(US, 1969) Bestselling author Anton LaVey explains how teachers can help children explore their true nature while they're young enough to challenge Christian hypocracy.
56. Character is Cool - Taking Responsibility
(USA, 2002) Helping kids take responsibity for their actions. Includes chapters entitled Divorce: Yes it's your fault that Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore, Rain: Why did you make the angels cry?, and Death: Grandma died of a broken heart because you never wrote to her.
55. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
(USA, 2000) Just what are we going to do on this rainy day?
54. Mein Kampf für die Kinder
(Germany, 1929) Hitler's attempt to follow up his über successful first work with a book for the youth.
53. Humpty Dumpty - What Happened Next
(Uzbekestan, 1921) Three operations later, Humpty Dumpty sets out for revenge against the people who pushed him, with hilarious consequences.
52. Uncyclopedofile
(Euthanasia, 2005) Handy "filofax" style set "filled" with "useful" information from the Uncyclopedia archives. Also contains calculator and handy pencil.
51. The Boy Scout Cook Book
(New York, 1984) Editors were horrified to discover that Albert Fish's book was less about teaching boy scouts to cook, and more about cooking boy scouts.
50. Weekend At Barney's
(USA, 2003) The dinosaurs may be extinct, but Barney is still the life of the party. Limited edition contains prelude by Michael Jackson.
49. Gonzo The Bear, Adventures In LSD
(USA, 1975) By Hunter S. Thompson
48. It's a School Shooting, Charlie Brown
(USA, 1980) In this fascinating volume of previously unpublished Peanuts strips, Charlie Brown and Linus wreak bloody vengeance upon their tormentors.
47. Bible for kids - God Smites the Wicked
(USA, 1930) A playful collection of short stories.
46. Why You're So Poor
(USA, 1978) Ayn Rand explains why your parents are lazy, good-for-nothing socialists.
45. The Prettiest Princess
(USA, 2005) Story of how an ugly 6 year old girl becomes a beautiful princess through the wonders of plastic surgery. Contains photographs from accompanying TV series.
44. Puff the Magic Dragon Goes to School
(USA, 1973) A whimsical tale about a young boy taking his magic dragon Puff to school, hiding him from all the teachers, and sharing his magic smoke with all the boys and girls. A children's classic - High Times.
43. The Origin of the Species
(UK, 1859) Charles Darwin, the worst children's book writer of all time, writes this tedious tale as a follow up to his less well known book The Stork: The Origin of the Babies.
42. Flash MX Bible
(US, 2004) Animated vector-based e-book featuring smiting and begetting on a biblical scale. Available through eBay.com.
41. 100 Fun Things to do with your Poo
(CA, 2007) While the original was a classic, this modern readaptation falls short.
40. Pippi Longstockings
(SW, 1969) Tommy and Annika have adventures with the transvestite next door. By Dolph Lundgren.
39. Here comes Pimpy
(UK, 1974) There's a new dude in Toytown, and he's pimpin' everyone's Ho's. Hilarity ensues.
38. The Railway Children
(UK, 1969) An explanatory tale of children who played on railways. With coloured illustrations.
37. Little Miss Bulldog With Lipstick
(UK, 2002) Little Miss PMT is back, but this time the vending machine is out of chocolate.
36. Biggles Flies Undone
(UK, 1948) The squadron leader teaches Algy to make a gentle touchdown, with serious consequences.
35. Five Children and It
(UK, 1902) An adventurous teacher blindfolds five children, who have to guess what "It" is by touch, smell, and taste alone.
34. Bad Dog, Carl
(US, 2005) Carl finally has enough of the little rugrats, and decides to make a meal of them. Contains great selection of pictures of dismembered children!
33. Harry Potter and the Ring of Fire
(UK, 2005) Harry and Ron suffer tremendous agonies as they tangle with a mutton vindaloo and a chicken phal prepared by Voldemort and his evil accomplice Lord Latif of Harpole.
32. Jamie's Children Kitchen
(UK, 2006) Jamie Oliver offers lots of recipes to the smallest. Surprise your parents with easy to cook plasticine cakes or a tasty soup of your selfcollected mushrooms. As seen on channel four.
31. Little Brother Nr 1
(Cambodia, 1976) Pol Pot helps children to convince their parents to move to more rural areas.
30. Hiding Nemo
(CA, 2004) 100 tips when you played too long with your pet.
29. Harry Potter and the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
(UK, 2006) Ron and Hermione have to hide the knives when Harry, finally realising that he's been abused his entire life and goes into battle more frequently than most teenagers, starts acting a little funny....
28. A Lice in Wonderland
(Deutschland, 1948) An echanting tale of a lice's search for a suitable host.
27. Huckle Berry Pimp
(USA, 1999) Huck goes on a journey to get some bitches and hoes.
26. The Alternative Magic School Buss in the Age of Xenu
(USA 2003) A new series explores alternative science, instead of the one-sided presentation of theories in earlier books. Here, Ms. Frizzle and her class travel back to 75 billion years to witness him action. Has outperformed the similar, earlier work "Fountainhead Earth 4 Kidz".
25. Jimmy Crow and the Heroes of Civilization
(CSA, 1952) Uh-oh! Some niggers start getting uppity and even downright fresh. Will anyone be able to protect the purity of white women from these subhuman monsters?
24. The Adventures of Boxcar Bert
(USA, 1938) Join Boxcar Bert and his talking pole-sack Jehosephat in his hobo adventures. Experience the glory days of the swag man as he rides the rails, eats canned beans, violates young women and gets arrested for drunkenness and vagrancy. Followed up by the sequel, The Wild World of Amateur Boxing with Boxcar Bert.
23. Karl and Vladimir's World Tour
(USSR, 1921) Marx and Uliyanoff (also known as Lenin travel around the world convincing all forward-thinking peoples of the inevitability of Socialist Utopia, accompanied by their talking cat, Chairman Meow.
22. Marquis de Sade's Guide to Making New Friends
(France, 1789) Everyone always says that if you want to make friends, you shouldn't hurt people but rather be nice to them. But if these people had friends, they wouldn't be going around giving advice to small children, would they? Besides, girls always fall for jerks anyway. The Marquis de Sade shows you the real way to make, keep, and gratify your friends, as well as your enemies.
21. Spot's Last Visit to the Vet
(UK, 1992) A controversial but light-hearted introduction to the taboo of of animal necrophilia.
20. Fornicaters Rot In Eternal Hell
(UK, 2003) A christian teaching guide for curious children.
19. Noddy gets Slayed
(UK, 1968) Enid Blyton's tale of Noddy, the Birmingham glamrock pixie.
18. E is for Eugenics
(Germany, 1939) Written by Heinrich Himmler, it explains why certain people (eg. Jews, anybody with a birth defect, anybody who is mentally ill or retarded) should not be allowed to have babies and contaminate the gene pool and reduce the potential of the human race.
17. The Manhole; A Fantasy Exploration for Children of all Ages
(US, 2001), Written by Michael Jackson, The Manhole depicts one you boys magical journey to Never Land through Michael Jackson's manhole.
16. Boy Meets Car
(Mexico, 2002) A safety manual for boys growing up in the fast-paced world of windshield-washing
15. Watch my Magic Snake Grow!
(USA 1976) Written by John Holmes this pop-up book shows a magic snake growing in size until it finds its den where it lets go of its magic milk. There is a section where the kid is to help milk the magic snake.
14. The Adventures of Mudbelly
(USA 1956) Wizened, old Blues Guitarist bemoans his recently deceased canine companion and his ex-partner. It was a bad morning all round.
What Makes a bad Porn Movie?
Before we can begin to identify the worst 100 porn movies of all time, we need to first define what a bad porn movie is. Unlike regular movies, porn does not need to focus that much on plot or character development. No, the point of a porn movie is to get your rocks off. Thus, the issue probably boils down to this: would most connoisseurs of porn consider the film to be jackoffable or jackawful.
[edit]
The List
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* porn movies ever made.** Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.
** Some movies may not in fact be porn.
[edit]
100 to 91
100. Sir Lancelot Gets Lanced A Lot
(USA, 1975) Not much to note, other then Sir Lancelot is impaled on the end of a giant lance.
99. Your Body and You - Part 2, Coitus and Reproduction
(USA 1954) Describes the mechanics of human sexual intercourse, using only cheap animated stills. Most noted for a lack of a money shot.
98. Ernest Goes to the Red Light District
(MB 1992) The bumbling Ernest accidentally stumbles upon a life of crime, sex, and dirty money. Hilarity ensues.
97. Lord of the Cock Rings - The Two Towers
(New Zealand, 2002). Part two in the Lord of the Cock Rings Trilogy. Gimli performs a "Helm's Deep" on Legolas (please don't use your imagination).
96. Shame On Me - The Dan Quisenberry Story
(USA, 1995). Filmed on home video by ball player Dan Quisenberry, this film chronicles his obsession with masturbation while receiving cancer treatment, and was released at his funeral by his wife.
95. Asthmatic Girls in the Smoking Section
(USA, 2002) Considered by some (Bob Thornton) to be one of the "greatest fetish videos of all time." Considered by most (everyone else) to have no substance or hot action whatsoever. Even Jesse Helms asked, "Where's that steamy beaver-bumping action when you need it?"
94. Bambi
(RKO Pictures, 1942) A Walt Disney film about a deer's loss of parents, and a thematic exploration on the nature of life.
93. The Three Stooges Meet Max Hardcore
(USA 1937) The Three Stooges take jobs as stagehands on a Max Hardcore movie. When Max gets sick the boys are asked to fill in for him.
92. The Golden Girls Go Wild
(USA, 2002) The girls test their hip replacements out to the max in this grizzly adventure.
91. Pron
(USA, 1982) A large number of naked girls get trapped inside my computer, I can see them when I open certain folders on my hard drive.
[edit]
90 to 76
90. Driving Miss Daisy from Behind
(USA, 1990) Jessica Tandy needed the money badly.
89. The President's Diaries
(USA, 2001) A 2.5 hour long glimpse into the supposed affairs of Bill Clinton. His fear of Hillary led to him not doing much for the film, and most of the movie focused on Monica (played by Katie Holmes), who tried to make the movie work. A failed attempt, as not one ticket nor one DVD/video has been sold in the 4 years since the release. The movie, sadly enough, is the reason Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are "together".
88. Horny Potter F%%$#ing F$$%@$s the Sorcerer in the A#$$
(2001) The ineptly titled porn parody to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone". Suggestions originally started from Horny Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone, and Hairy Porter makes the Sorcerer Moan, then degrading into Hairy F$$%$ing Penis makes the Sorcerer F%^3ing Groan and so forth. Gradually, the focus of the filmmaking was drawn from the hardcore action to the title. The "crack team" (Ricky and Joey) spent a matter of minutes attempting to agree on a title. It ultimately was doomed to porn obscurity, but remains a testament to half-assed (heh-heh) work in the porn industry.
87. Rita Does Dallas
(2005) Low budget independently made pornographic flick. Universally panned by critics, but noted for the awesome blowjobs.
You DO NOT want to know what happens next..!
86. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Bordels
(USA, 2005) Movie is weak compared to the book, what consisted of hardcore Lesbian action - instead the movie takes us to the Darkest Bordels of the Universe. The movie consists of seven hours of crazy Vogon porn (blowjobs, hand-rubbing and sludging) and Marvin giving cunnilingus to Trillian (critics all over the world have agreed that the best part in the whole movie is where Marvin rubs his enormous head against Trillian's clit and mutters: "What's the point".
85. The Woman in Me
(1995) Shania Twain's first entry into the Porn market was a disappointment in comparison to 'Come On Over' (1999) - released in Holland as "Come On Over (My Pert Boobies)" - and 'Up!' (2002).
84. I saw Mummy Gobbling Santa Claus
(1993) Festive Fun for all the Family.
83. Pokemon Bukkake!
(2003) Pikachu tries to get 'em all.
82. Cheese Fetish
(France, 2002) What some women do with their roquefort - you'll be left hungry after their performance.
81. Innuendo
(USA, 1999) HBO's foray into soft-soft-core porn. Lots of vague talking by fully clothed couples sitting on beds. Each scene ends with the camera panning to the right and going slowly out of focus.
80. Five Go Mad in Dorking
(UK, 1973) Enid Blyton's only foray into the hardcore market sees Julian, Dick, Anne and George joined by John Holmes for a rollicking adventure in the suburbs.
79. 7-Up
(USA, 1998) 7-Up, an Oscar nominated 1998 film, starring Jenna Jameson, was based on Shakespeare's King Lear, and had been THE hit at Cannes upon its release.
78. Sackers
(USA, 1995): Sackers whole point in life was to show off Angelina Jolie in all her facets, and disguise it ever so much by creating a story about teens who spend too much time on MSN.
77. Animal Fun
(Pacific Ocean, 2003) A series of clips involving various common pets with no clothes on. Widely considered to have led to the creation of the Animal Rights movement.
This is NOT Chandler Bang
76. Chandler's List
(USA, 1944) A spin-off from Friends, after the producers noted that Sex in the City scored rather better ratings. "Could it be any sadder?", Chandler Bang's frequent dialogue tries to keep it together, failing miserably. The only highlights are Courtney Cox's full-frontal nude scenes.
[edit]
75 to 51
75. 24, Day 3
(Germany, 3001) A real-time episodal porn movie starring Elisha Cuthbert, the main plot revolves around terrorists gang-banging. Noted for the worst camera work ever.
74. Fists of Fury
(Hong Kong, 1972) Badly dubbed Asian Porn.
73. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Giving Head
(USA, 1993) Christian Applegate goes WAY too far!
72. Ace Ventura, Pet Addictive
(USA 1992) Sweet jesus stop!
71. Raging Bullhorn
(USA 1954) Not to be confused with the Robert De Niro boxing classic.
70. South Pork
(USA 2001) Cartman and the guys get funky!
69. Bender Like Beckham
(UK 2002) Homosexual icon demonstrates "keepy uppy" with his balls.
68. Dick, Tracy!
(USA 1990) Lovely girl Tracy finds she's not that lovely, and mostly not that girl and exploits her/his new feature.
67. Wilde Wilde Wet
(USA 1999) Produced, performed and directed by Mae West, it's a short movie about her fantasies on Oscar Wilde
66. Horny Potter - The Pornographer's Bone!
(Russia 1842) Young bakers apprentice Horny explores the wonderfful magic of the 'wand'.
65. Biker Nuns on Viagra 3
(USA 1992) Exciting conclusion to the Biker Nuns trilogy sees Mother "Feeling" Superior getting back into her old habits. I am really very sorry.
64. A Penis is a Warm Gun
(UK 1969) She's not a girl who misses much. She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand, like a lizard on a window pane. The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots, lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.
63. The Starr Report
(USA 1999) This film attempted to capture the hot cigar on pussy action of the Clinton-Lewsinsky affair. Due to a misunderstanding in direction Gene Shalit was cast as Bill Clinton and Starr Jones played the part of Monica Lewinski.
62. A Hardon Day's Night
(UK 1965) The Beatles star in their first porn flick. Unfortunately this movie showed way too much Ringo.
61. The Ladies Man
(USA 2000) This movie is the first time a Saturday Night Live skit has been spun off into a porno movie. Like many movies of a similar stripe, it sucked.
60. Shaved by the Bellend
(USA 1992) Porno spoof of the popular highschool drama, starring Ron Jeremy as "Squealch".
59. Sex Toy Story
(USA 1995) A CGI porn film in which Andy Dick's favorite Dildo, Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks), is replaced by a more modern vibrator, Buzz Lightyear (voiced by Tim Allen). Woody has to learn to accept his new friend. The worst part of this movie is that it stars Andy Dick.
58. Look Who's Porking!
(USA 1995) Why has Tom Selleck got a cheesy grin? You're about to find out...
57. OklaHOma!
(Oklahoma 1977) A porn adaptation of the Rogers and Hammerstein classic. Noted for its exceptionally bad sound track which attempted to take the music from the original and put it to a 70's funk beat.
56. Tapping Amanda
(USA 2003) Major Samantha "Sam" Carter takes one up the stargate. See Amanda Tapping
55. The Love Boat
(USA 2005) A documentary of the Minnesota Vikings sex cruise. Unfortunately it contains scenes of the team's offensive line stripping.
54. Spooge Party XVI
(USA 2002) John Woo takes up the Directoral reins in this disappointing return of Meryl Streep's Mary Jane.
53. Gelegentliche Leute engagieren sich im lieblosen sexuellen Verkehr
(Germany 1961) a.k.a. Random people engage in loveless sexual intercourse. A modernist porn classic.
52. Sock-Puppet Gangbang
(USA 1991) Things take a turn for the sexy when a plane full of hookers crash on gumdrop mountain.
51. Creamer versus Creamer
(USA 1976) Good Lord, it's everywhere.
[edit]
50 to 43
50. The Bitches of Madison County
(USA 1995) Clint Eastwood (realizing he was born to do porn after having good look at his name) stars as a photographer who spends four magical days of the year 1960 with 16 submissive black women.
49. Fistful of Dildos
(Spain 1967) Spagetti Western Pornflick starring Clit Westwood as the "Man with No Knob".
48. The Missionary
(UK 1982) Monty Python's Michael Palin enjoys himself in this softcore sex romp.
47. Mr. Smith does Washington
(2003, USA) James Stewart stars as Jefferson Smith, a highschool cheerleader with a crush on Denzel Washington.
46. Fill Bill
(USA, 2005) Some obscure gay porn stars star in this x-rated parody of Kill Bill. Bad use of samurai swords as dildos makes this movie one of the worste, not to mention it's gay porn.
45. Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Cock Ness Monster
(USA, 1983) Mr. T stars as the Cock Ness Monster, and an actual dog plays Scooby, who joins in the action.
44. Cocky
(USA, 1989) Sylvester Stallon stars as Cocky, the people's champ of cock fighting, who must defend his title against a Soviet super hulk.
43. Free Willy
(USA, 1993) Ron Jeremy stars as Keiko, a lovable whale.
[edit]
42 to 23
Wayne Rooney performing in the Theatre of Wet Dreams
42. Shrek
(USA, 2001) Wayne Rooney's first film away from the Vaudeville circuit, sees him servicing the needs of the eldery people of Florida. Look out for a rare appearance from veteran actress Elaine Stritch.
41. The Penetrator
(USA, 1985} A sex machine is sent back through time on a mission to penetrate as many women named Sarah Connor as possible, in an effort to stop sex symbol of the 2030's John Connor from being born, but is ultimately responsible for the impregnation which leads to his birth.
40. One Came Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(USA, 1974) Wristslappin' Action Movie from the Director of "Die Hard On".
39. Bruce Allnighty
(USA, 2002) Comedy in which sick and tired Porn star God, endows poor performing Bruce with his unstoppable sexual prowess for a whole night.
38. Dr. Strangelove
(UK, 1901) Stanley Kubrick's first and only foray into the world of 'Strangelove', featuring numerous banned scenes, such as the infamous deep goat throat.
37. American History XXX
(USA, 1993) The descendants of George Washington shag their way through the struggle for independance, The Civil War, World War I & II, Vietnam and the Gulf War.
36. Shaving Private Ryan
(USA, 1998) US soldiers desperately try to shave their comrade, Private Ryan, who's stationed behind enemy lines. For some reason it was released in Canada as Shaving Ryan's Privates.
35. Sin City
(Italy, 1987) At the Vatican, a previously chaste nun discovers just what miraculous powers the Pope is really endowed with.
34. Forrest Hump
(USA, 1994) Forrest Hump, while not intelligent, has the stamina of a bull and is accidently present at many historic moments throughout pornographic history.
33. The Man in the Leather Mask
(France, 1998) Amazing romp of sadism set in revolutionary France, featuring porn trio, The Three Musketeers.
32. Snatch
(UK, 2000) Intimate documentary exploring female genitalia.
31. The Sexorcist
(USA, 1981) Bizarre black and white remake which went on to gain prolific status, for its 6 minute, colour crucifix masturbation scene (which was entirely ripped from the original).
30. Reservoir, Doggie Style
(USA, 1991) Quentin Tarantino's first and last foray into the world of hardcore porn, giving us a brief glimpse into the world of Mr. Pink's sexual escapades.
29. The Dominatrix
(USA, 1999) In a world controlled by Microwave ovens, is it even possible to get a real erection? Be sure to take the red pill.
28. When Harry met Sally 2 — Harry meets Sally's Sister
(USA, 1992) Billy Crystal in a last desperate ditch attempt to jumpstart his dead career. Meg Ryan wisely declined the dubious honour of portraying both Sally and her twin sister. The film was unsurprisingly a box office hit in Nicaragua and Japan.
27. The Butcher's Wife 2 — Jackoffal
(France, 2001) Demi Moore reprises her role as the Butcher's Wife, showing just how sexy salami can really be.
26. A Minge too Far
(UK, 1950) A tale set against the backdrop of WWII, the 2nd World Wrestling championships. The lead accidentally goes down on the wrong minge.
25. XXX-Ray — Röntgen's Delight
(Germany, 2005) In probably the most bizarre turn of the pr0n industry, some German art house directors recorded a gang bang... using X-Ray film. Giving new meaning to 'being inside of someone', it earned critical acclaim from Mediocre Britain's Medical Association.
24. Mork love Pork
(USA, 1979) Probings applenty as Mork goes in search of Uranus.
23. American Cream Pie
(USA, 2007) This time Shannon Elizabeth is really going to get it.
[edit]
22 to 11
22. Charlie and The Chocolate Factory 3 — Chocolate Starfish
(USA, 2008) Charlie learns about the dark side. Quite likely the worst gay porn movie.
21. Kinkilympics 2001
(Poland, 2001) Shot as a documentary of the 2001 Kinky Olympics, featuring the adult sports of pole vaulting, bush diving, clam eating, and dozens others. Nicknamed 2001 hideously ugly eastern european porn stars with nothing to do on a friday, the film was universally panned, and directly reponsible for 2001 being the first and last year to have a Kinkilympics.
20. Zoolander 2
(USA, 1999) Billed as "Bestiality fun for the whole family", this film depicts a male model what can't read very good. Needless to say it bombed, his target audience couldn't read the directions to the theatres.
19. Monty's Python — The Horny Gail
(UK, 1987) Another bestial flick, this time from the Brits. Not suitable for those suffering from Ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), or Gailnomiphobia (fear of people named Gail).
18. Oral Hygiene — The Saga Begins
(USA, 2005) A very strange collection of toothbrushes performing fellatio on one another, cut in a modern style reminiscent of MTV commercials.
17. Catholic Schoolgirls get Down Under 156
(Australia, 1968) The same tired old plaid skirts turned upside down, notable for a total lack of Schoolgirls.
16. Grannies Get Gorey 2 — Alliteration Affects Almost All Arses
(UK, 2005) Watch Wonderfully Wild Women Woo Wayward Wraights.
"Toothless grannies try to seduce mythical creatures in this one. That I can stomach... but it's the insane alliteration that really gets to me."
~ Oscar Wilde
15. Mistress of Spices — Black Pepper
(UK, 2005) Frequently mistaken for a cooking show, this film shows a woman handling all sorts of spices in the kitchen. Claimed to have been the highlight of an independent film festival, but falling seriously short when it comes to hot action... unless you count the times where the chilis vanished.
14. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
(USA, 1968) Even worse than Herbie Does Dallas, a whole gang bang of cars appears in this film. Starring Dick Van Dyke, the first male lesbian.
13. Star Wars - The Empire Gets Back
(USA, 1984) Thought by many to be a product placement scam by the Star Wars Marital Aids Empire.
12. Star Wars - A New Ho'
(USA, 1977) Managed to "beat off" the only other film from the Trilogy to feature in the list, this 70s BDSM classic featured a "LightSabre" fight, as well as the first footage of the "Vader's Helmet" toy.
11. The Flash
(USA, 1992) Low budget. Lone guy with a trenchcoat. Barely pR0n.
[edit]
10 to 1
Bedknobs and Brown Dicks retailed with a very collectable front cover
10. Bed Knobs and Brown Dicks
(USA/UK 1935) An perculiar combination of live action and animated footage, in this pioneering, inter-racial production.
9. Sex Trek III — The Search for Cock
(USA, 1982) Kirk feels guilty for the suffering caused to the crew of the XXX Enterprise via the loss of their beloved Cock, and promises to hunt some down.
8. Sex Trek II — The Wrath of Cunt
(USA, 1980) A cunt is deserted on a desert planet, and vows to take revenge.
7. Sex Trek IV — The Bondage Home
(USA, 1984) The crew travels through time and space to find The House of Bondage.
6. Face/On
(Mexico, 1999) Thanks to a revolutionary medical technique, a man's face is surgically connected to a woman's crotch, in an attempt to infiltrate a criminal organisation.
5. Total Bar Brawl
(USA, 2001) A young Austrian-American called Quaid is sent to Mars to stamp out a bar brawl, only to fall in love with the Triple-breasted Whore of Eroticon 6.
4. Done in Sixty Seconds
(USA, 2004) A retired porn star is forced back into the industry and must fuck 50 women in one night to save his brother's life.
3. Jet Stream is... The Wand
(USA/Hong Kong, 2000) A young man from Hong Kong visits every multiverse in existence so he can rape himself in every last one of them. Only when he's raped all his selves will he find the awesome power of The Wand.
2. Womb Raider
(USA, 2003) A big breasted adverturer dives beyond the abyss of the cervix.
1. The Sodfather
(USA, 1976) The aging patriarch of an organized sex dynasty transfers control of his clandestine porn empire to his reluctant son.
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Worst_100_Porn_Movies_of_All_Time"
"Ah, children. The opiate of the masses..."
~ Oscar Wilde
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* Childrens Books ever made. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
100. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
(USA, 1988) The world's favorite inquisitive monkey learns "don't whizz on the electric fence".
99. Paddington Gets Rabies
(UK, 1989) Fun and frolics as Mr Brown takes out Paddington "Atticus Finch" style.
98. Dr Seuss's Malpractice ABC
(USA, 1968) A is for Accidental Amputation.
The follow-up to Little Miss Sociopath
97. Little Miss Psycho
(UK, 1999) A guide for every little girl on how to handle modern relationships.
96. Baldylocks and the Three Hairs
(Canada, 1989) Written at the height of the PC movement, Baldylocks is the heartwarming tale of a follically challenged Accountant from Winnipeg.
95. What's Daddy Doing?
(USA, 1993) Sex Education book aimed at the under 10s. Contains graphic content.
94. The Illustrated Fishmonger
(UK, 2002) Uncle Bob smells of fish, in colour and Scratch'n'Sniff.
93. The Little Train Who Couldn't
(USA, 1973) Abject failure and how to deal with it.
92. Bumper Book of Fun
(China, 1982) How much fun could colouring in Clowns and Space Monkeys be? World Record Holder for worst dot-to-dot puzzle known to man.
91. Hey Presto! You're A Corporate Whore!
(USA, 2004) Aims to teach kids how to embrace consumerism in a label-driven world.
90. Horton Hires a Ho
(USA, 1978) Sequel to "Horton Hears a Who", it failed miserably upon first release, but gained cult popularity in the early 1990s.
89. White is Right
(South Africa, 1982) A guide to Apartheid for the very young.
88. Garry the Garbage Truck
(UK, 2001) A failed effort to cash in on the popularity of "Thomas the Tank Engine".
87. Jerry Gerbil and the Pink Cave
(USA, 1996) by Richard Gere.
86. Little Chew Chew
(USA, 2000) by Mike Tyson.
85. When the Lights Go Out
(USA, 2004) A adaptation of the Paris Hilton video for children.
84. Willy Wonka and the Fudge Tunnel
(UK, 1983) A painful chapter in the Willy Wonka saga.
83. Old MacDonald had a Million Cows
(USA, 1966) Introduction to large scale intensive farming techniques for the under fives.
82. Tom Swift and The Atomic Dildo
(USA, 1958)
Clifford takes the Last Ride
81. Clifford Goes to Sleep
(USA, 2003) The final chapter in the tale of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
80. Wiffles the Dog's Dick
(USA, 1994) Book by William Shatner made into an animated classic A Dog's Dick, this is the tale of a Pet Detective, created by the WangaFilms Studio.
79. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(Namibia, 1972) Join Charles Manson and his family on a hilarious romp through a magical chocolate factory as dead and dying Oompah Loompahs pile up like cordwood!
78 The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Leather Bar
(USA, 1978) teenaged amateur sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy travel to New York's famous Greenwich Village
77. The Little Red Light District
(USA, 1961)
76. The Cat in the Hat Got Back
(USA, 1978) Cashing in on the blaxploitation craze, Dr. Seuss pens the tale of one hot pussy!
75. Aleister Crowley's Little Book of Bible Verse
(UK, 1920) This book contains Satanic messages when read backwards. And forwards, for that matter.
74. Darwin says your ancestors were monkey-fuckers
(USA, 2003) Required educational reading in many US states, this Intelligent Design promotional publication explains that under Darwin's theory your ancestors had to fuck monkeys while they waited for human women to evolve - needless to say God doesn't like that idea very much.
73. Clifford the Big Dead Dog
(USA, 2004) Unable to give up the franchise, the publishers drag old Clifford out once more.
72. Programming Perl for Pre-Schoolers
(USA, 2005) Getting our generation of script-kiddies better trained than their script kiddies - to prepare for the oncoming future cyber-apolcalypse. Plus kids love the cute camel!
71. Clifford and the Corpse Bride
(USA, 2005) Book of the Film. Clifford gets the Tim Burton treatment. With Helen Bonham-Carter and Johnny Depp. Again.
70. Barney and the Big Purple Asteroid
(USA, 2001) "Oh no," says Barney, "my watch says it's almost the Eocene." Hilarity ensues as Barney discovers ELE ISN'T a girl's name.
Pooh the Bear played by Charles Manson in the film Spetters
70,5. Pooh the Bear
(UK, 1998) Daddy leaves Mom and lives with his new friend Pooh, a hairy Bear, with hairy chest, hairy arms and sexy hairy legs. The novel on which the film Spetters is based.
69. Little Miss PMT
(UK, 2001) Little Miss Psycho is back, and this time she's pissed.
68. What Katy Did
(USA, 1945) Find out exactly why Auntie Katherine needed that frontal lobotomy.
67. Clifford and the Army of Darkness
(USA, 2005) The Clifford franchise is picked up by Sam Raimi. Hilarity ensues. Featuring Bruce Campbell.
66. Modern Nursery Rhymes
(UK, 1987) "Mary had a BMX, she rode it back to FRONT, everytime the peddles turned, the seat went up her.....dress", and many more.
65. The Cat In The Fat
(No. Korea, 2003) Dr. Suess' beloved creation goes for a Wok when he meets hungry North Korean villagers!
64. Hansel, Gretel and Me -- Confessions of Betrayal
(USA, 2003) Alton Brown explains his rare experiments on young human subjects.
63. Ten Fun Activities With Fire
(USA, 1956) Discover new ways to spice up playtime with the lovable mascot "Sparky."
62. Vomit, The Talking Head Louse
(USA, 1904) The adventures of Vomit The Head Louse and his pal Ernie The Brain Burrowing Tick.
61. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids - A Survival Guide for America's Families
(USA, 2005). The fourth chapter is entitled How to Eat Your Mom and Dad's Corpses if the Car Crashes in the Mountains
60. Playground Bullying - Top Advice from the Experts
(USA, 2004) Experts in playground bullying give their top tips and advice - chapters include "How to hold down a weak kid and knee him in the nuts" , "Public Humiliation Masterclass" and "Top Ten Tips for How to Make Girls Cry"
59. Close Encounters of the Third Grade
(USA, 1978) Hitler has come back as a kid, and he's pissed.
58. The Last Temptation of Harry Potter
(UK, 2006) It's the last day before Harry's crucifixion, and Draco has an indecent proposal for him.
57. The Satanic Preschool
(US, 1969) Bestselling author Anton LaVey explains how teachers can help children explore their true nature while they're young enough to challenge Christian hypocracy.
56. Character is Cool - Taking Responsibility
(USA, 2002) Helping kids take responsibity for their actions. Includes chapters entitled Divorce: Yes it's your fault that Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore, Rain: Why did you make the angels cry?, and Death: Grandma died of a broken heart because you never wrote to her.
55. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
(USA, 2000) Just what are we going to do on this rainy day?
54. Mein Kampf für die Kinder
(Germany, 1929) Hitler's attempt to follow up his über successful first work with a book for the youth.
53. Humpty Dumpty - What Happened Next
(Uzbekestan, 1921) Three operations later, Humpty Dumpty sets out for revenge against the people who pushed him, with hilarious consequences.
52. Uncyclopedofile
(Euthanasia, 2005) Handy "filofax" style set "filled" with "useful" information from the Uncyclopedia archives. Also contains calculator and handy pencil.
51. The Boy Scout Cook Book
(New York, 1984) Editors were horrified to discover that Albert Fish's book was less about teaching boy scouts to cook, and more about cooking boy scouts.
50. Weekend At Barney's
(USA, 2003) The dinosaurs may be extinct, but Barney is still the life of the party. Limited edition contains prelude by Michael Jackson.
49. Gonzo The Bear, Adventures In LSD
(USA, 1975) By Hunter S. Thompson
48. It's a School Shooting, Charlie Brown
(USA, 1980) In this fascinating volume of previously unpublished Peanuts strips, Charlie Brown and Linus wreak bloody vengeance upon their tormentors.
47. Bible for kids - God Smites the Wicked
(USA, 1930) A playful collection of short stories.
46. Why You're So Poor
(USA, 1978) Ayn Rand explains why your parents are lazy, good-for-nothing socialists.
45. The Prettiest Princess
(USA, 2005) Story of how an ugly 6 year old girl becomes a beautiful princess through the wonders of plastic surgery. Contains photographs from accompanying TV series.
44. Puff the Magic Dragon Goes to School
(USA, 1973) A whimsical tale about a young boy taking his magic dragon Puff to school, hiding him from all the teachers, and sharing his magic smoke with all the boys and girls. A children's classic - High Times.
43. The Origin of the Species
(UK, 1859) Charles Darwin, the worst children's book writer of all time, writes this tedious tale as a follow up to his less well known book The Stork: The Origin of the Babies.
42. Flash MX Bible
(US, 2004) Animated vector-based e-book featuring smiting and begetting on a biblical scale. Available through eBay.com.
41. 100 Fun Things to do with your Poo
(CA, 2007) While the original was a classic, this modern readaptation falls short.
40. Pippi Longstockings
(SW, 1969) Tommy and Annika have adventures with the transvestite next door. By Dolph Lundgren.
39. Here comes Pimpy
(UK, 1974) There's a new dude in Toytown, and he's pimpin' everyone's Ho's. Hilarity ensues.
38. The Railway Children
(UK, 1969) An explanatory tale of children who played on railways. With coloured illustrations.
37. Little Miss Bulldog With Lipstick
(UK, 2002) Little Miss PMT is back, but this time the vending machine is out of chocolate.
36. Biggles Flies Undone
(UK, 1948) The squadron leader teaches Algy to make a gentle touchdown, with serious consequences.
35. Five Children and It
(UK, 1902) An adventurous teacher blindfolds five children, who have to guess what "It" is by touch, smell, and taste alone.
34. Bad Dog, Carl
(US, 2005) Carl finally has enough of the little rugrats, and decides to make a meal of them. Contains great selection of pictures of dismembered children!
33. Harry Potter and the Ring of Fire
(UK, 2005) Harry and Ron suffer tremendous agonies as they tangle with a mutton vindaloo and a chicken phal prepared by Voldemort and his evil accomplice Lord Latif of Harpole.
32. Jamie's Children Kitchen
(UK, 2006) Jamie Oliver offers lots of recipes to the smallest. Surprise your parents with easy to cook plasticine cakes or a tasty soup of your selfcollected mushrooms. As seen on channel four.
31. Little Brother Nr 1
(Cambodia, 1976) Pol Pot helps children to convince their parents to move to more rural areas.
30. Hiding Nemo
(CA, 2004) 100 tips when you played too long with your pet.
29. Harry Potter and the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
(UK, 2006) Ron and Hermione have to hide the knives when Harry, finally realising that he's been abused his entire life and goes into battle more frequently than most teenagers, starts acting a little funny....
28. A Lice in Wonderland
(Deutschland, 1948) An echanting tale of a lice's search for a suitable host.
27. Huckle Berry Pimp
(USA, 1999) Huck goes on a journey to get some bitches and hoes.
26. The Alternative Magic School Buss in the Age of Xenu
(USA 2003) A new series explores alternative science, instead of the one-sided presentation of theories in earlier books. Here, Ms. Frizzle and her class travel back to 75 billion years to witness him action. Has outperformed the similar, earlier work "Fountainhead Earth 4 Kidz".
25. Jimmy Crow and the Heroes of Civilization
(CSA, 1952) Uh-oh! Some niggers start getting uppity and even downright fresh. Will anyone be able to protect the purity of white women from these subhuman monsters?
24. The Adventures of Boxcar Bert
(USA, 1938) Join Boxcar Bert and his talking pole-sack Jehosephat in his hobo adventures. Experience the glory days of the swag man as he rides the rails, eats canned beans, violates young women and gets arrested for drunkenness and vagrancy. Followed up by the sequel, The Wild World of Amateur Boxing with Boxcar Bert.
23. Karl and Vladimir's World Tour
(USSR, 1921) Marx and Uliyanoff (also known as Lenin travel around the world convincing all forward-thinking peoples of the inevitability of Socialist Utopia, accompanied by their talking cat, Chairman Meow.
22. Marquis de Sade's Guide to Making New Friends
(France, 1789) Everyone always says that if you want to make friends, you shouldn't hurt people but rather be nice to them. But if these people had friends, they wouldn't be going around giving advice to small children, would they? Besides, girls always fall for jerks anyway. The Marquis de Sade shows you the real way to make, keep, and gratify your friends, as well as your enemies.
21. Spot's Last Visit to the Vet
(UK, 1992) A controversial but light-hearted introduction to the taboo of of animal necrophilia.
20. Fornicaters Rot In Eternal Hell
(UK, 2003) A christian teaching guide for curious children.
19. Noddy gets Slayed
(UK, 1968) Enid Blyton's tale of Noddy, the Birmingham glamrock pixie.
18. E is for Eugenics
(Germany, 1939) Written by Heinrich Himmler, it explains why certain people (eg. Jews, anybody with a birth defect, anybody who is mentally ill or retarded) should not be allowed to have babies and contaminate the gene pool and reduce the potential of the human race.
17. The Manhole; A Fantasy Exploration for Children of all Ages
(US, 2001), Written by Michael Jackson, The Manhole depicts one you boys magical journey to Never Land through Michael Jackson's manhole.
16. Boy Meets Car
(Mexico, 2002) A safety manual for boys growing up in the fast-paced world of windshield-washing
15. Watch my Magic Snake Grow!
(USA 1976) Written by John Holmes this pop-up book shows a magic snake growing in size until it finds its den where it lets go of its magic milk. There is a section where the kid is to help milk the magic snake.
14. The Adventures of Mudbelly
(USA 1956) Wizened, old Blues Guitarist bemoans his recently deceased canine companion and his ex-partner. It was a bad morning all round.
What Makes a bad Porn Movie?
Before we can begin to identify the worst 100 porn movies of all time, we need to first define what a bad porn movie is. Unlike regular movies, porn does not need to focus that much on plot or character development. No, the point of a porn movie is to get your rocks off. Thus, the issue probably boils down to this: would most connoisseurs of porn consider the film to be jackoffable or jackawful.
[edit]
The List
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* porn movies ever made.** Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.
** Some movies may not in fact be porn.
[edit]
100 to 91
100. Sir Lancelot Gets Lanced A Lot
(USA, 1975) Not much to note, other then Sir Lancelot is impaled on the end of a giant lance.
99. Your Body and You - Part 2, Coitus and Reproduction
(USA 1954) Describes the mechanics of human sexual intercourse, using only cheap animated stills. Most noted for a lack of a money shot.
98. Ernest Goes to the Red Light District
(MB 1992) The bumbling Ernest accidentally stumbles upon a life of crime, sex, and dirty money. Hilarity ensues.
97. Lord of the Cock Rings - The Two Towers
(New Zealand, 2002). Part two in the Lord of the Cock Rings Trilogy. Gimli performs a "Helm's Deep" on Legolas (please don't use your imagination).
96. Shame On Me - The Dan Quisenberry Story
(USA, 1995). Filmed on home video by ball player Dan Quisenberry, this film chronicles his obsession with masturbation while receiving cancer treatment, and was released at his funeral by his wife.
95. Asthmatic Girls in the Smoking Section
(USA, 2002) Considered by some (Bob Thornton) to be one of the "greatest fetish videos of all time." Considered by most (everyone else) to have no substance or hot action whatsoever. Even Jesse Helms asked, "Where's that steamy beaver-bumping action when you need it?"
94. Bambi
(RKO Pictures, 1942) A Walt Disney film about a deer's loss of parents, and a thematic exploration on the nature of life.
93. The Three Stooges Meet Max Hardcore
(USA 1937) The Three Stooges take jobs as stagehands on a Max Hardcore movie. When Max gets sick the boys are asked to fill in for him.
92. The Golden Girls Go Wild
(USA, 2002) The girls test their hip replacements out to the max in this grizzly adventure.
91. Pron
(USA, 1982) A large number of naked girls get trapped inside my computer, I can see them when I open certain folders on my hard drive.
[edit]
90 to 76
90. Driving Miss Daisy from Behind
(USA, 1990) Jessica Tandy needed the money badly.
89. The President's Diaries
(USA, 2001) A 2.5 hour long glimpse into the supposed affairs of Bill Clinton. His fear of Hillary led to him not doing much for the film, and most of the movie focused on Monica (played by Katie Holmes), who tried to make the movie work. A failed attempt, as not one ticket nor one DVD/video has been sold in the 4 years since the release. The movie, sadly enough, is the reason Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are "together".
88. Horny Potter F%%$#ing F$$%@$s the Sorcerer in the A#$$
(2001) The ineptly titled porn parody to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone". Suggestions originally started from Horny Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone, and Hairy Porter makes the Sorcerer Moan, then degrading into Hairy F$$%$ing Penis makes the Sorcerer F%^3ing Groan and so forth. Gradually, the focus of the filmmaking was drawn from the hardcore action to the title. The "crack team" (Ricky and Joey) spent a matter of minutes attempting to agree on a title. It ultimately was doomed to porn obscurity, but remains a testament to half-assed (heh-heh) work in the porn industry.
87. Rita Does Dallas
(2005) Low budget independently made pornographic flick. Universally panned by critics, but noted for the awesome blowjobs.
You DO NOT want to know what happens next..!
86. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Bordels
(USA, 2005) Movie is weak compared to the book, what consisted of hardcore Lesbian action - instead the movie takes us to the Darkest Bordels of the Universe. The movie consists of seven hours of crazy Vogon porn (blowjobs, hand-rubbing and sludging) and Marvin giving cunnilingus to Trillian (critics all over the world have agreed that the best part in the whole movie is where Marvin rubs his enormous head against Trillian's clit and mutters: "What's the point".
85. The Woman in Me
(1995) Shania Twain's first entry into the Porn market was a disappointment in comparison to 'Come On Over' (1999) - released in Holland as "Come On Over (My Pert Boobies)" - and 'Up!' (2002).
84. I saw Mummy Gobbling Santa Claus
(1993) Festive Fun for all the Family.
83. Pokemon Bukkake!
(2003) Pikachu tries to get 'em all.
82. Cheese Fetish
(France, 2002) What some women do with their roquefort - you'll be left hungry after their performance.
81. Innuendo
(USA, 1999) HBO's foray into soft-soft-core porn. Lots of vague talking by fully clothed couples sitting on beds. Each scene ends with the camera panning to the right and going slowly out of focus.
80. Five Go Mad in Dorking
(UK, 1973) Enid Blyton's only foray into the hardcore market sees Julian, Dick, Anne and George joined by John Holmes for a rollicking adventure in the suburbs.
79. 7-Up
(USA, 1998) 7-Up, an Oscar nominated 1998 film, starring Jenna Jameson, was based on Shakespeare's King Lear, and had been THE hit at Cannes upon its release.
78. Sackers
(USA, 1995): Sackers whole point in life was to show off Angelina Jolie in all her facets, and disguise it ever so much by creating a story about teens who spend too much time on MSN.
77. Animal Fun
(Pacific Ocean, 2003) A series of clips involving various common pets with no clothes on. Widely considered to have led to the creation of the Animal Rights movement.
This is NOT Chandler Bang
76. Chandler's List
(USA, 1944) A spin-off from Friends, after the producers noted that Sex in the City scored rather better ratings. "Could it be any sadder?", Chandler Bang's frequent dialogue tries to keep it together, failing miserably. The only highlights are Courtney Cox's full-frontal nude scenes.
[edit]
75 to 51
75. 24, Day 3
(Germany, 3001) A real-time episodal porn movie starring Elisha Cuthbert, the main plot revolves around terrorists gang-banging. Noted for the worst camera work ever.
74. Fists of Fury
(Hong Kong, 1972) Badly dubbed Asian Porn.
73. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Giving Head
(USA, 1993) Christian Applegate goes WAY too far!
72. Ace Ventura, Pet Addictive
(USA 1992) Sweet jesus stop!
71. Raging Bullhorn
(USA 1954) Not to be confused with the Robert De Niro boxing classic.
70. South Pork
(USA 2001) Cartman and the guys get funky!
69. Bender Like Beckham
(UK 2002) Homosexual icon demonstrates "keepy uppy" with his balls.
68. Dick, Tracy!
(USA 1990) Lovely girl Tracy finds she's not that lovely, and mostly not that girl and exploits her/his new feature.
67. Wilde Wilde Wet
(USA 1999) Produced, performed and directed by Mae West, it's a short movie about her fantasies on Oscar Wilde
66. Horny Potter - The Pornographer's Bone!
(Russia 1842) Young bakers apprentice Horny explores the wonderfful magic of the 'wand'.
65. Biker Nuns on Viagra 3
(USA 1992) Exciting conclusion to the Biker Nuns trilogy sees Mother "Feeling" Superior getting back into her old habits. I am really very sorry.
64. A Penis is a Warm Gun
(UK 1969) She's not a girl who misses much. She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand, like a lizard on a window pane. The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots, lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.
63. The Starr Report
(USA 1999) This film attempted to capture the hot cigar on pussy action of the Clinton-Lewsinsky affair. Due to a misunderstanding in direction Gene Shalit was cast as Bill Clinton and Starr Jones played the part of Monica Lewinski.
62. A Hardon Day's Night
(UK 1965) The Beatles star in their first porn flick. Unfortunately this movie showed way too much Ringo.
61. The Ladies Man
(USA 2000) This movie is the first time a Saturday Night Live skit has been spun off into a porno movie. Like many movies of a similar stripe, it sucked.
60. Shaved by the Bellend
(USA 1992) Porno spoof of the popular highschool drama, starring Ron Jeremy as "Squealch".
59. Sex Toy Story
(USA 1995) A CGI porn film in which Andy Dick's favorite Dildo, Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks), is replaced by a more modern vibrator, Buzz Lightyear (voiced by Tim Allen). Woody has to learn to accept his new friend. The worst part of this movie is that it stars Andy Dick.
58. Look Who's Porking!
(USA 1995) Why has Tom Selleck got a cheesy grin? You're about to find out...
57. OklaHOma!
(Oklahoma 1977) A porn adaptation of the Rogers and Hammerstein classic. Noted for its exceptionally bad sound track which attempted to take the music from the original and put it to a 70's funk beat.
56. Tapping Amanda
(USA 2003) Major Samantha "Sam" Carter takes one up the stargate. See Amanda Tapping
55. The Love Boat
(USA 2005) A documentary of the Minnesota Vikings sex cruise. Unfortunately it contains scenes of the team's offensive line stripping.
54. Spooge Party XVI
(USA 2002) John Woo takes up the Directoral reins in this disappointing return of Meryl Streep's Mary Jane.
53. Gelegentliche Leute engagieren sich im lieblosen sexuellen Verkehr
(Germany 1961) a.k.a. Random people engage in loveless sexual intercourse. A modernist porn classic.
52. Sock-Puppet Gangbang
(USA 1991) Things take a turn for the sexy when a plane full of hookers crash on gumdrop mountain.
51. Creamer versus Creamer
(USA 1976) Good Lord, it's everywhere.
[edit]
50 to 43
50. The Bitches of Madison County
(USA 1995) Clint Eastwood (realizing he was born to do porn after having good look at his name) stars as a photographer who spends four magical days of the year 1960 with 16 submissive black women.
49. Fistful of Dildos
(Spain 1967) Spagetti Western Pornflick starring Clit Westwood as the "Man with No Knob".
48. The Missionary
(UK 1982) Monty Python's Michael Palin enjoys himself in this softcore sex romp.
47. Mr. Smith does Washington
(2003, USA) James Stewart stars as Jefferson Smith, a highschool cheerleader with a crush on Denzel Washington.
46. Fill Bill
(USA, 2005) Some obscure gay porn stars star in this x-rated parody of Kill Bill. Bad use of samurai swords as dildos makes this movie one of the worste, not to mention it's gay porn.
45. Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Cock Ness Monster
(USA, 1983) Mr. T stars as the Cock Ness Monster, and an actual dog plays Scooby, who joins in the action.
44. Cocky
(USA, 1989) Sylvester Stallon stars as Cocky, the people's champ of cock fighting, who must defend his title against a Soviet super hulk.
43. Free Willy
(USA, 1993) Ron Jeremy stars as Keiko, a lovable whale.
[edit]
42 to 23
Wayne Rooney performing in the Theatre of Wet Dreams
42. Shrek
(USA, 2001) Wayne Rooney's first film away from the Vaudeville circuit, sees him servicing the needs of the eldery people of Florida. Look out for a rare appearance from veteran actress Elaine Stritch.
41. The Penetrator
(USA, 1985} A sex machine is sent back through time on a mission to penetrate as many women named Sarah Connor as possible, in an effort to stop sex symbol of the 2030's John Connor from being born, but is ultimately responsible for the impregnation which leads to his birth.
40. One Came Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(USA, 1974) Wristslappin' Action Movie from the Director of "Die Hard On".
39. Bruce Allnighty
(USA, 2002) Comedy in which sick and tired Porn star God, endows poor performing Bruce with his unstoppable sexual prowess for a whole night.
38. Dr. Strangelove
(UK, 1901) Stanley Kubrick's first and only foray into the world of 'Strangelove', featuring numerous banned scenes, such as the infamous deep goat throat.
37. American History XXX
(USA, 1993) The descendants of George Washington shag their way through the struggle for independance, The Civil War, World War I & II, Vietnam and the Gulf War.
36. Shaving Private Ryan
(USA, 1998) US soldiers desperately try to shave their comrade, Private Ryan, who's stationed behind enemy lines. For some reason it was released in Canada as Shaving Ryan's Privates.
35. Sin City
(Italy, 1987) At the Vatican, a previously chaste nun discovers just what miraculous powers the Pope is really endowed with.
34. Forrest Hump
(USA, 1994) Forrest Hump, while not intelligent, has the stamina of a bull and is accidently present at many historic moments throughout pornographic history.
33. The Man in the Leather Mask
(France, 1998) Amazing romp of sadism set in revolutionary France, featuring porn trio, The Three Musketeers.
32. Snatch
(UK, 2000) Intimate documentary exploring female genitalia.
31. The Sexorcist
(USA, 1981) Bizarre black and white remake which went on to gain prolific status, for its 6 minute, colour crucifix masturbation scene (which was entirely ripped from the original).
30. Reservoir, Doggie Style
(USA, 1991) Quentin Tarantino's first and last foray into the world of hardcore porn, giving us a brief glimpse into the world of Mr. Pink's sexual escapades.
29. The Dominatrix
(USA, 1999) In a world controlled by Microwave ovens, is it even possible to get a real erection? Be sure to take the red pill.
28. When Harry met Sally 2 — Harry meets Sally's Sister
(USA, 1992) Billy Crystal in a last desperate ditch attempt to jumpstart his dead career. Meg Ryan wisely declined the dubious honour of portraying both Sally and her twin sister. The film was unsurprisingly a box office hit in Nicaragua and Japan.
27. The Butcher's Wife 2 — Jackoffal
(France, 2001) Demi Moore reprises her role as the Butcher's Wife, showing just how sexy salami can really be.
26. A Minge too Far
(UK, 1950) A tale set against the backdrop of WWII, the 2nd World Wrestling championships. The lead accidentally goes down on the wrong minge.
25. XXX-Ray — Röntgen's Delight
(Germany, 2005) In probably the most bizarre turn of the pr0n industry, some German art house directors recorded a gang bang... using X-Ray film. Giving new meaning to 'being inside of someone', it earned critical acclaim from Mediocre Britain's Medical Association.
24. Mork love Pork
(USA, 1979) Probings applenty as Mork goes in search of Uranus.
23. American Cream Pie
(USA, 2007) This time Shannon Elizabeth is really going to get it.
[edit]
22 to 11
22. Charlie and The Chocolate Factory 3 — Chocolate Starfish
(USA, 2008) Charlie learns about the dark side. Quite likely the worst gay porn movie.
21. Kinkilympics 2001
(Poland, 2001) Shot as a documentary of the 2001 Kinky Olympics, featuring the adult sports of pole vaulting, bush diving, clam eating, and dozens others. Nicknamed 2001 hideously ugly eastern european porn stars with nothing to do on a friday, the film was universally panned, and directly reponsible for 2001 being the first and last year to have a Kinkilympics.
20. Zoolander 2
(USA, 1999) Billed as "Bestiality fun for the whole family", this film depicts a male model what can't read very good. Needless to say it bombed, his target audience couldn't read the directions to the theatres.
19. Monty's Python — The Horny Gail
(UK, 1987) Another bestial flick, this time from the Brits. Not suitable for those suffering from Ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), or Gailnomiphobia (fear of people named Gail).
18. Oral Hygiene — The Saga Begins
(USA, 2005) A very strange collection of toothbrushes performing fellatio on one another, cut in a modern style reminiscent of MTV commercials.
17. Catholic Schoolgirls get Down Under 156
(Australia, 1968) The same tired old plaid skirts turned upside down, notable for a total lack of Schoolgirls.
16. Grannies Get Gorey 2 — Alliteration Affects Almost All Arses
(UK, 2005) Watch Wonderfully Wild Women Woo Wayward Wraights.
"Toothless grannies try to seduce mythical creatures in this one. That I can stomach... but it's the insane alliteration that really gets to me."
~ Oscar Wilde
15. Mistress of Spices — Black Pepper
(UK, 2005) Frequently mistaken for a cooking show, this film shows a woman handling all sorts of spices in the kitchen. Claimed to have been the highlight of an independent film festival, but falling seriously short when it comes to hot action... unless you count the times where the chilis vanished.
14. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
(USA, 1968) Even worse than Herbie Does Dallas, a whole gang bang of cars appears in this film. Starring Dick Van Dyke, the first male lesbian.
13. Star Wars - The Empire Gets Back
(USA, 1984) Thought by many to be a product placement scam by the Star Wars Marital Aids Empire.
12. Star Wars - A New Ho'
(USA, 1977) Managed to "beat off" the only other film from the Trilogy to feature in the list, this 70s BDSM classic featured a "LightSabre" fight, as well as the first footage of the "Vader's Helmet" toy.
11. The Flash
(USA, 1992) Low budget. Lone guy with a trenchcoat. Barely pR0n.
[edit]
10 to 1
Bedknobs and Brown Dicks retailed with a very collectable front cover
10. Bed Knobs and Brown Dicks
(USA/UK 1935) An perculiar combination of live action and animated footage, in this pioneering, inter-racial production.
9. Sex Trek III — The Search for Cock
(USA, 1982) Kirk feels guilty for the suffering caused to the crew of the XXX Enterprise via the loss of their beloved Cock, and promises to hunt some down.
8. Sex Trek II — The Wrath of Cunt
(USA, 1980) A cunt is deserted on a desert planet, and vows to take revenge.
7. Sex Trek IV — The Bondage Home
(USA, 1984) The crew travels through time and space to find The House of Bondage.
6. Face/On
(Mexico, 1999) Thanks to a revolutionary medical technique, a man's face is surgically connected to a woman's crotch, in an attempt to infiltrate a criminal organisation.
5. Total Bar Brawl
(USA, 2001) A young Austrian-American called Quaid is sent to Mars to stamp out a bar brawl, only to fall in love with the Triple-breasted Whore of Eroticon 6.
4. Done in Sixty Seconds
(USA, 2004) A retired porn star is forced back into the industry and must fuck 50 women in one night to save his brother's life.
3. Jet Stream is... The Wand
(USA/Hong Kong, 2000) A young man from Hong Kong visits every multiverse in existence so he can rape himself in every last one of them. Only when he's raped all his selves will he find the awesome power of The Wand.
2. Womb Raider
(USA, 2003) A big breasted adverturer dives beyond the abyss of the cervix.
1. The Sodfather
(USA, 1976) The aging patriarch of an organized sex dynasty transfers control of his clandestine porn empire to his reluctant son.
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