I REALLY Hate Life Sometimes

I often wonder just what I did in a past life to get such a shitty hand dealt to me by life. I mean, I recognize that I am not dying from some incurable form of cancer and that I have a whole host of advantages that millions of people would love to have. But there are ever increasing periods when I wish I was not a good Catholic girl and raised in a traditional Chinese household were ritual suicide was an option.

OK, that was over the top & waaaaaaay more dramatic than the truth is but I am indulging in a pity fest right now so suffer. I certainly am.

I just can not understand why, after busting my ass for 15 years, I have 3 lovely degrees yet am working at a position that someone with a high school degree could handle for a salary/benefit package less than what I could make at the local Time Saver. So why am I not working for the local Time Saver? Because they won't even return my calls when I apply. I send out my resume to a minimum of 10 positions around the country every week, usually more. The amount of positions applied for varies by the length of free time I can scam here at work. Yet in the past 6 years, I have had 2 phone interviews, which led no where. 2 real interviews, which led to a really nice "thanks but no thanks" letter. I remember them because they were some of the better letters I have gotten. I have gotten 3 job offers, but of the 3, I accepted this position as branch manager at a public library. The other was for a position in Macon at a montessourri school were I would make even less than I do now, and dealt with children all day. I know myself too well. I would have been miserable in less than a week. The other position was for a manager position with Wal-Mart. I know that I should have taken that job, but I just could not stomach all that working for Wal-Mart implies. I want a life and a job, not a career and a life that revolves around my career. I am not someone who enjoys dealing with the wide spectrum of humanity under the best of circumstances. That position would have been sheer hell & I know it. But that pay check sure would have been heavenly.

When I look around at my life and realize that I am going to have to declare bankruptcy, I have no hope in hell of ever getting my school loans under control unless I move in with my mother, esp. Since I can barely afford the resent at my current place with the expenses of needing to get my car towed tonight & an extra $100 for repair work, throw in all the dental work I need done, medical expenses, and the fact that I do not get my hair cut because I can't fucking afford a $10 Wal-Mart trim, and my financial life is fucking in hell. And I am at the end of my rope. In fact, I am so far past the end of my rope I am not sure what to do.

All I do know is that it really amazes me when the people I should be able to rely on are "too tired" to come get me and is there any reason I can not spend the night at 1 of my co-workers? Or could I keep trying & reach my land lord since he can come get me & is closer by a whole 10 minutes? That conversation is on top of 1 had yesterday with another parental unit who not only said that I was incredibly lacking in self-confidence and was a ball buster so I needed to mellow out. I wonder if the obvious dichotomy even occurred?

The only reason I am staying sane right now is because there is no other option & I know it. I just want to laugh again. I am tired of wondering what else will go wrong and when will someone else get pissed off or what nonsense will crop up - again - that is an incredible nuisance and I can not afford on any level.

People keep telling me how I am so strong yet inside this head of mine I just want to run away and join an anchorite community of nuns and never have to cope again. I am doing something wrong because I can't seem to figure out how to pay my bills and keep everyone content. Not even myself.

Changing the subject before I start bawling all over again. I have been reading some of the books I got from work. The latest Dean Koontz Frankenstein installment was incredible! I really love the way this trilogy is forming up and can not wait for the conclusion to be published. The sooner the better in my book!

I also have finished the latest Robert Aspirin book about Skeeve, Myth-taken Identities. I am rather grateful that I read that last night because otherwise I would have fallen apart while waiting for the tow truck tonight instead of after they dropped me back off at the library. And it was only a $75 fee compared to the $500 fee they would have charged me if they had hauled me & my car back home. Some reason, that was not especially helpful cause I have exactly $30 in my checking account right now & still have to pay those little things like rent, phone, get gas in the car, food on the table, insurance for the car, $100 in repair for the car, $30 for an oil change, car tags, and the list goes on. Some reason, I do not feel like all that lucky of a person.

OK, I have whined enough. For those of you who know & love me, I am OK, just really tired. Don't worry about this whine because it is just another paragraph in the ongoing financial woes saga of my life. I know I will get through this one way or another. I just do not like the windows of opportunity I am seeing cause there really are not all that many, you know?

I do know that I am still healthy. I know that I am extremely lucky because the fibromyalgia and arthritis are all in the early developmental stages and I have decades before they do anything but leave me exhausted. I know that I have several incredibly good friends who put up with my whines and whimpers and give a damn about me, sometimes more than I know how to cope with. I am thrilled for every single one of my friends and how their lives are falling in to place, especially since I know how hard they have worked to get to where they are (including you T.N.). I have 3 adorable cats who love me, and there are 2 other cats who like me & 3 dogs who would defend me - kind of - if their food bowls were involved. I have a good car that I really do love, despite its age related headaches that cause me financial grief. I have this blog that allows me to vent in a safe way so that anything I say is filtered and anyone reading it who knows me can take what they need to know from it. Then if they want they can post on here, email me, call, or just show up. I admit I am partial to the 1st 3 lately because I am getting so shaky emotionally I'll turn into the cliched watering pot if I am not planning on your appearance. My family has matured to the point where I only want to beat my head against the wall and not run screaming. I have an absolutely wonderful nephew I adore and with some major exceptions, pretty much the life I want. I

just can not figure out the financial side. I have read all the books. I have followed all the advice that I can. (Setting aside 10% or more of $0 is pretty hard to do after all.) But when there are these constant unpleasant surprises, it is impossible to get any where and I am sick to death of it. I am tired of the frustration and humiliation. And I am so very tired.