100 Worst children's Books

A bit raunchy, so consider yorself warned.

"Ah, children. The opiate of the masses..."
~ Oscar Wilde
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* Childrens Books ever made. Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
100. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
(USA, 1988) The world's favorite inquisitive monkey learns "don't whizz on the electric fence".
99. Paddington Gets Rabies
(UK, 1989) Fun and frolics as Mr Brown takes out Paddington "Atticus Finch" style.
98. Dr Seuss's Malpractice ABC
(USA, 1968) A is for Accidental Amputation.

The follow-up to Little Miss Sociopath
97. Little Miss Psycho
(UK, 1999) A guide for every little girl on how to handle modern relationships.
96. Baldylocks and the Three Hairs
(Canada, 1989) Written at the height of the PC movement, Baldylocks is the heartwarming tale of a follically challenged Accountant from Winnipeg.
95. What's Daddy Doing?
(USA, 1993) Sex Education book aimed at the under 10s. Contains graphic content.
94. The Illustrated Fishmonger
(UK, 2002) Uncle Bob smells of fish, in colour and Scratch'n'Sniff.
93. The Little Train Who Couldn't
(USA, 1973) Abject failure and how to deal with it.
92. Bumper Book of Fun
(China, 1982) How much fun could colouring in Clowns and Space Monkeys be? World Record Holder for worst dot-to-dot puzzle known to man.

91. Hey Presto! You're A Corporate Whore!
(USA, 2004) Aims to teach kids how to embrace consumerism in a label-driven world.
90. Horton Hires a Ho
(USA, 1978) Sequel to "Horton Hears a Who", it failed miserably upon first release, but gained cult popularity in the early 1990s.
89. White is Right
(South Africa, 1982) A guide to Apartheid for the very young.
88. Garry the Garbage Truck
(UK, 2001) A failed effort to cash in on the popularity of "Thomas the Tank Engine".
87. Jerry Gerbil and the Pink Cave
(USA, 1996) by Richard Gere.
86. Little Chew Chew
(USA, 2000) by Mike Tyson.
85. When the Lights Go Out
(USA, 2004) A adaptation of the Paris Hilton video for children.
84. Willy Wonka and the Fudge Tunnel
(UK, 1983) A painful chapter in the Willy Wonka saga.
83. Old MacDonald had a Million Cows
(USA, 1966) Introduction to large scale intensive farming techniques for the under fives.
82. Tom Swift and The Atomic Dildo
(USA, 1958)

Clifford takes the Last Ride
81. Clifford Goes to Sleep
(USA, 2003) The final chapter in the tale of Clifford the Big Red Dog.
80. Wiffles the Dog's Dick
(USA, 1994) Book by William Shatner made into an animated classic A Dog's Dick, this is the tale of a Pet Detective, created by the WangaFilms Studio.
79. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
(Namibia, 1972) Join Charles Manson and his family on a hilarious romp through a magical chocolate factory as dead and dying Oompah Loompahs pile up like cordwood!
78 The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Leather Bar
(USA, 1978) teenaged amateur sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy travel to New York's famous Greenwich Village
77. The Little Red Light District
(USA, 1961)
76. The Cat in the Hat Got Back
(USA, 1978) Cashing in on the blaxploitation craze, Dr. Seuss pens the tale of one hot pussy!
75. Aleister Crowley's Little Book of Bible Verse
(UK, 1920) This book contains Satanic messages when read backwards. And forwards, for that matter.
74. Darwin says your ancestors were monkey-fuckers
(USA, 2003) Required educational reading in many US states, this Intelligent Design promotional publication explains that under Darwin's theory your ancestors had to fuck monkeys while they waited for human women to evolve - needless to say God doesn't like that idea very much.
73. Clifford the Big Dead Dog
(USA, 2004) Unable to give up the franchise, the publishers drag old Clifford out once more.
72. Programming Perl for Pre-Schoolers
(USA, 2005) Getting our generation of script-kiddies better trained than their script kiddies - to prepare for the oncoming future cyber-apolcalypse. Plus kids love the cute camel!
71. Clifford and the Corpse Bride
(USA, 2005) Book of the Film. Clifford gets the Tim Burton treatment. With Helen Bonham-Carter and Johnny Depp. Again.
70. Barney and the Big Purple Asteroid
(USA, 2001) "Oh no," says Barney, "my watch says it's almost the Eocene." Hilarity ensues as Barney discovers ELE ISN'T a girl's name.

Pooh the Bear played by Charles Manson in the film Spetters
70,5. Pooh the Bear
(UK, 1998) Daddy leaves Mom and lives with his new friend Pooh, a hairy Bear, with hairy chest, hairy arms and sexy hairy legs. The novel on which the film Spetters is based.
69. Little Miss PMT
(UK, 2001) Little Miss Psycho is back, and this time she's pissed.
68. What Katy Did
(USA, 1945) Find out exactly why Auntie Katherine needed that frontal lobotomy.
67. Clifford and the Army of Darkness
(USA, 2005) The Clifford franchise is picked up by Sam Raimi. Hilarity ensues. Featuring Bruce Campbell.
66. Modern Nursery Rhymes
(UK, 1987) "Mary had a BMX, she rode it back to FRONT, everytime the peddles turned, the seat went up her.....dress", and many more.
65. The Cat In The Fat
(No. Korea, 2003) Dr. Suess' beloved creation goes for a Wok when he meets hungry North Korean villagers!
64. Hansel, Gretel and Me -- Confessions of Betrayal
(USA, 2003) Alton Brown explains his rare experiments on young human subjects.
63. Ten Fun Activities With Fire
(USA, 1956) Discover new ways to spice up playtime with the lovable mascot "Sparky."
62. Vomit, The Talking Head Louse
(USA, 1904) The adventures of Vomit The Head Louse and his pal Ernie The Brain Burrowing Tick.
61. The O'Reilly Factor for Kids - A Survival Guide for America's Families
(USA, 2005). The fourth chapter is entitled How to Eat Your Mom and Dad's Corpses if the Car Crashes in the Mountains
60. Playground Bullying - Top Advice from the Experts
(USA, 2004) Experts in playground bullying give their top tips and advice - chapters include "How to hold down a weak kid and knee him in the nuts" , "Public Humiliation Masterclass" and "Top Ten Tips for How to Make Girls Cry"
59. Close Encounters of the Third Grade
(USA, 1978) Hitler has come back as a kid, and he's pissed.
58. The Last Temptation of Harry Potter
(UK, 2006) It's the last day before Harry's crucifixion, and Draco has an indecent proposal for him.
57. The Satanic Preschool
(US, 1969) Bestselling author Anton LaVey explains how teachers can help children explore their true nature while they're young enough to challenge Christian hypocracy.
56. Character is Cool - Taking Responsibility
(USA, 2002) Helping kids take responsibity for their actions. Includes chapters entitled Divorce: Yes it's your fault that Daddy doesn't love Mommy anymore, Rain: Why did you make the angels cry?, and Death: Grandma died of a broken heart because you never wrote to her.
55. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
(USA, 2000) Just what are we going to do on this rainy day?
54. Mein Kampf für die Kinder
(Germany, 1929) Hitler's attempt to follow up his über successful first work with a book for the youth.
53. Humpty Dumpty - What Happened Next
(Uzbekestan, 1921) Three operations later, Humpty Dumpty sets out for revenge against the people who pushed him, with hilarious consequences.
52. Uncyclopedofile
(Euthanasia, 2005) Handy "filofax" style set "filled" with "useful" information from the Uncyclopedia archives. Also contains calculator and handy pencil.
51. The Boy Scout Cook Book
(New York, 1984) Editors were horrified to discover that Albert Fish's book was less about teaching boy scouts to cook, and more about cooking boy scouts.
50. Weekend At Barney's
(USA, 2003) The dinosaurs may be extinct, but Barney is still the life of the party. Limited edition contains prelude by Michael Jackson.
49. Gonzo The Bear, Adventures In LSD
(USA, 1975) By Hunter S. Thompson
48. It's a School Shooting, Charlie Brown
(USA, 1980) In this fascinating volume of previously unpublished Peanuts strips, Charlie Brown and Linus wreak bloody vengeance upon their tormentors.
47. Bible for kids - God Smites the Wicked
(USA, 1930) A playful collection of short stories.
46. Why You're So Poor
(USA, 1978) Ayn Rand explains why your parents are lazy, good-for-nothing socialists.
45. The Prettiest Princess
(USA, 2005) Story of how an ugly 6 year old girl becomes a beautiful princess through the wonders of plastic surgery. Contains photographs from accompanying TV series.
44. Puff the Magic Dragon Goes to School
(USA, 1973) A whimsical tale about a young boy taking his magic dragon Puff to school, hiding him from all the teachers, and sharing his magic smoke with all the boys and girls. A children's classic - High Times.
43. The Origin of the Species
(UK, 1859) Charles Darwin, the worst children's book writer of all time, writes this tedious tale as a follow up to his less well known book The Stork: The Origin of the Babies.
42. Flash MX Bible
(US, 2004) Animated vector-based e-book featuring smiting and begetting on a biblical scale. Available through eBay.com.
41. 100 Fun Things to do with your Poo
(CA, 2007) While the original was a classic, this modern readaptation falls short.
40. Pippi Longstockings
(SW, 1969) Tommy and Annika have adventures with the transvestite next door. By Dolph Lundgren.
39. Here comes Pimpy
(UK, 1974) There's a new dude in Toytown, and he's pimpin' everyone's Ho's. Hilarity ensues.
38. The Railway Children
(UK, 1969) An explanatory tale of children who played on railways. With coloured illustrations.
37. Little Miss Bulldog With Lipstick
(UK, 2002) Little Miss PMT is back, but this time the vending machine is out of chocolate.
36. Biggles Flies Undone
(UK, 1948) The squadron leader teaches Algy to make a gentle touchdown, with serious consequences.
35. Five Children and It
(UK, 1902) An adventurous teacher blindfolds five children, who have to guess what "It" is by touch, smell, and taste alone.
34. Bad Dog, Carl
(US, 2005) Carl finally has enough of the little rugrats, and decides to make a meal of them. Contains great selection of pictures of dismembered children!
33. Harry Potter and the Ring of Fire
(UK, 2005) Harry and Ron suffer tremendous agonies as they tangle with a mutton vindaloo and a chicken phal prepared by Voldemort and his evil accomplice Lord Latif of Harpole.
32. Jamie's Children Kitchen
(UK, 2006) Jamie Oliver offers lots of recipes to the smallest. Surprise your parents with easy to cook plasticine cakes or a tasty soup of your selfcollected mushrooms. As seen on channel four.
31. Little Brother Nr 1
(Cambodia, 1976) Pol Pot helps children to convince their parents to move to more rural areas.
30. Hiding Nemo
(CA, 2004) 100 tips when you played too long with your pet.
29. Harry Potter and the Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
(UK, 2006) Ron and Hermione have to hide the knives when Harry, finally realising that he's been abused his entire life and goes into battle more frequently than most teenagers, starts acting a little funny....
28. A Lice in Wonderland
(Deutschland, 1948) An echanting tale of a lice's search for a suitable host.
27. Huckle Berry Pimp
(USA, 1999) Huck goes on a journey to get some bitches and hoes.
26. The Alternative Magic School Buss in the Age of Xenu
(USA 2003) A new series explores alternative science, instead of the one-sided presentation of theories in earlier books. Here, Ms. Frizzle and her class travel back to 75 billion years to witness him action. Has outperformed the similar, earlier work "Fountainhead Earth 4 Kidz".
25. Jimmy Crow and the Heroes of Civilization
(CSA, 1952) Uh-oh! Some niggers start getting uppity and even downright fresh. Will anyone be able to protect the purity of white women from these subhuman monsters?
24. The Adventures of Boxcar Bert
(USA, 1938) Join Boxcar Bert and his talking pole-sack Jehosephat in his hobo adventures. Experience the glory days of the swag man as he rides the rails, eats canned beans, violates young women and gets arrested for drunkenness and vagrancy. Followed up by the sequel, The Wild World of Amateur Boxing with Boxcar Bert.
23. Karl and Vladimir's World Tour
(USSR, 1921) Marx and Uliyanoff (also known as Lenin travel around the world convincing all forward-thinking peoples of the inevitability of Socialist Utopia, accompanied by their talking cat, Chairman Meow.
22. Marquis de Sade's Guide to Making New Friends
(France, 1789) Everyone always says that if you want to make friends, you shouldn't hurt people but rather be nice to them. But if these people had friends, they wouldn't be going around giving advice to small children, would they? Besides, girls always fall for jerks anyway. The Marquis de Sade shows you the real way to make, keep, and gratify your friends, as well as your enemies.
21. Spot's Last Visit to the Vet
(UK, 1992) A controversial but light-hearted introduction to the taboo of of animal necrophilia.
20. Fornicaters Rot In Eternal Hell
(UK, 2003) A christian teaching guide for curious children.
19. Noddy gets Slayed
(UK, 1968) Enid Blyton's tale of Noddy, the Birmingham glamrock pixie.
18. E is for Eugenics
(Germany, 1939) Written by Heinrich Himmler, it explains why certain people (eg. Jews, anybody with a birth defect, anybody who is mentally ill or retarded) should not be allowed to have babies and contaminate the gene pool and reduce the potential of the human race.
17. The Manhole; A Fantasy Exploration for Children of all Ages
(US, 2001), Written by Michael Jackson, The Manhole depicts one you boys magical journey to Never Land through Michael Jackson's manhole.
16. Boy Meets Car
(Mexico, 2002) A safety manual for boys growing up in the fast-paced world of windshield-washing
15. Watch my Magic Snake Grow!
(USA 1976) Written by John Holmes this pop-up book shows a magic snake growing in size until it finds its den where it lets go of its magic milk. There is a section where the kid is to help milk the magic snake.
14. The Adventures of Mudbelly
(USA 1956) Wizened, old Blues Guitarist bemoans his recently deceased canine companion and his ex-partner. It was a bad morning all round.


What Makes a bad Porn Movie?
Before we can begin to identify the worst 100 porn movies of all time, we need to first define what a bad porn movie is. Unlike regular movies, porn does not need to focus that much on plot or character development. No, the point of a porn movie is to get your rocks off. Thus, the issue probably boils down to this: would most connoisseurs of porn consider the film to be jackoffable or jackawful.
[edit]
The List
According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* porn movies ever made.** Readers are required to have their sporks to hand.
* God does not care to count this list too closely, and believers are wise not to criticise divine numeration policy.
** Some movies may not in fact be porn.
[edit]
100 to 91
100. Sir Lancelot Gets Lanced A Lot
(USA, 1975) Not much to note, other then Sir Lancelot is impaled on the end of a giant lance.
99. Your Body and You - Part 2, Coitus and Reproduction
(USA 1954) Describes the mechanics of human sexual intercourse, using only cheap animated stills. Most noted for a lack of a money shot.
98. Ernest Goes to the Red Light District
(MB 1992) The bumbling Ernest accidentally stumbles upon a life of crime, sex, and dirty money. Hilarity ensues.
97. Lord of the Cock Rings - The Two Towers
(New Zealand, 2002). Part two in the Lord of the Cock Rings Trilogy. Gimli performs a "Helm's Deep" on Legolas (please don't use your imagination).
96. Shame On Me - The Dan Quisenberry Story
(USA, 1995). Filmed on home video by ball player Dan Quisenberry, this film chronicles his obsession with masturbation while receiving cancer treatment, and was released at his funeral by his wife.
95. Asthmatic Girls in the Smoking Section
(USA, 2002) Considered by some (Bob Thornton) to be one of the "greatest fetish videos of all time." Considered by most (everyone else) to have no substance or hot action whatsoever. Even Jesse Helms asked, "Where's that steamy beaver-bumping action when you need it?"
94. Bambi
(RKO Pictures, 1942) A Walt Disney film about a deer's loss of parents, and a thematic exploration on the nature of life.
93. The Three Stooges Meet Max Hardcore
(USA 1937) The Three Stooges take jobs as stagehands on a Max Hardcore movie. When Max gets sick the boys are asked to fill in for him.
92. The Golden Girls Go Wild
(USA, 2002) The girls test their hip replacements out to the max in this grizzly adventure.
91. Pron
(USA, 1982) A large number of naked girls get trapped inside my computer, I can see them when I open certain folders on my hard drive.
[edit]
90 to 76
90. Driving Miss Daisy from Behind
(USA, 1990) Jessica Tandy needed the money badly.
89. The President's Diaries
(USA, 2001) A 2.5 hour long glimpse into the supposed affairs of Bill Clinton. His fear of Hillary led to him not doing much for the film, and most of the movie focused on Monica (played by Katie Holmes), who tried to make the movie work. A failed attempt, as not one ticket nor one DVD/video has been sold in the 4 years since the release. The movie, sadly enough, is the reason Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are "together".
88. Horny Potter F%%$#ing F$$%@$s the Sorcerer in the A#$$
(2001) The ineptly titled porn parody to "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone". Suggestions originally started from Horny Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone, and Hairy Porter makes the Sorcerer Moan, then degrading into Hairy F$$%$ing Penis makes the Sorcerer F%^3ing Groan and so forth. Gradually, the focus of the filmmaking was drawn from the hardcore action to the title. The "crack team" (Ricky and Joey) spent a matter of minutes attempting to agree on a title. It ultimately was doomed to porn obscurity, but remains a testament to half-assed (heh-heh) work in the porn industry.
87. Rita Does Dallas
(2005) Low budget independently made pornographic flick. Universally panned by critics, but noted for the awesome blowjobs.

You DO NOT want to know what happens next..!
86. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Bordels
(USA, 2005) Movie is weak compared to the book, what consisted of hardcore Lesbian action - instead the movie takes us to the Darkest Bordels of the Universe. The movie consists of seven hours of crazy Vogon porn (blowjobs, hand-rubbing and sludging) and Marvin giving cunnilingus to Trillian (critics all over the world have agreed that the best part in the whole movie is where Marvin rubs his enormous head against Trillian's clit and mutters: "What's the point".
85. The Woman in Me
(1995) Shania Twain's first entry into the Porn market was a disappointment in comparison to 'Come On Over' (1999) - released in Holland as "Come On Over (My Pert Boobies)" - and 'Up!' (2002).
84. I saw Mummy Gobbling Santa Claus
(1993) Festive Fun for all the Family.
83. Pokemon Bukkake!
(2003) Pikachu tries to get 'em all.
82. Cheese Fetish
(France, 2002) What some women do with their roquefort - you'll be left hungry after their performance.
81. Innuendo
(USA, 1999) HBO's foray into soft-soft-core porn. Lots of vague talking by fully clothed couples sitting on beds. Each scene ends with the camera panning to the right and going slowly out of focus.
80. Five Go Mad in Dorking
(UK, 1973) Enid Blyton's only foray into the hardcore market sees Julian, Dick, Anne and George joined by John Holmes for a rollicking adventure in the suburbs.
79. 7-Up
(USA, 1998) 7-Up, an Oscar nominated 1998 film, starring Jenna Jameson, was based on Shakespeare's King Lear, and had been THE hit at Cannes upon its release.
78. Sackers
(USA, 1995): Sackers whole point in life was to show off Angelina Jolie in all her facets, and disguise it ever so much by creating a story about teens who spend too much time on MSN.
77. Animal Fun
(Pacific Ocean, 2003) A series of clips involving various common pets with no clothes on. Widely considered to have led to the creation of the Animal Rights movement.

This is NOT Chandler Bang
76. Chandler's List
(USA, 1944) A spin-off from Friends, after the producers noted that Sex in the City scored rather better ratings. "Could it be any sadder?", Chandler Bang's frequent dialogue tries to keep it together, failing miserably. The only highlights are Courtney Cox's full-frontal nude scenes.
[edit]
75 to 51
75. 24, Day 3
(Germany, 3001) A real-time episodal porn movie starring Elisha Cuthbert, the main plot revolves around terrorists gang-banging. Noted for the worst camera work ever.
74. Fists of Fury
(Hong Kong, 1972) Badly dubbed Asian Porn.
73. Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Giving Head
(USA, 1993) Christian Applegate goes WAY too far!
72. Ace Ventura, Pet Addictive
(USA 1992) Sweet jesus stop!
71. Raging Bullhorn
(USA 1954) Not to be confused with the Robert De Niro boxing classic.
70. South Pork
(USA 2001) Cartman and the guys get funky!
69. Bender Like Beckham
(UK 2002) Homosexual icon demonstrates "keepy uppy" with his balls.
68. Dick, Tracy!
(USA 1990) Lovely girl Tracy finds she's not that lovely, and mostly not that girl and exploits her/his new feature.
67. Wilde Wilde Wet
(USA 1999) Produced, performed and directed by Mae West, it's a short movie about her fantasies on Oscar Wilde
66. Horny Potter - The Pornographer's Bone!
(Russia 1842) Young bakers apprentice Horny explores the wonderfful magic of the 'wand'.
65. Biker Nuns on Viagra 3
(USA 1992) Exciting conclusion to the Biker Nuns trilogy sees Mother "Feeling" Superior getting back into her old habits. I am really very sorry.
64. A Penis is a Warm Gun
(UK 1969) She's not a girl who misses much. She's well acquainted with the touch of the velvet hand, like a lizard on a window pane. The man in the crowd with the multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots, lying with his eyes while his hands are busy working overtime.
63. The Starr Report
(USA 1999) This film attempted to capture the hot cigar on pussy action of the Clinton-Lewsinsky affair. Due to a misunderstanding in direction Gene Shalit was cast as Bill Clinton and Starr Jones played the part of Monica Lewinski.
62. A Hardon Day's Night
(UK 1965) The Beatles star in their first porn flick. Unfortunately this movie showed way too much Ringo.
61. The Ladies Man
(USA 2000) This movie is the first time a Saturday Night Live skit has been spun off into a porno movie. Like many movies of a similar stripe, it sucked.
60. Shaved by the Bellend
(USA 1992) Porno spoof of the popular highschool drama, starring Ron Jeremy as "Squealch".
59. Sex Toy Story
(USA 1995) A CGI porn film in which Andy Dick's favorite Dildo, Woody (voiced by Tom Hanks), is replaced by a more modern vibrator, Buzz Lightyear (voiced by Tim Allen). Woody has to learn to accept his new friend. The worst part of this movie is that it stars Andy Dick.
58. Look Who's Porking!
(USA 1995) Why has Tom Selleck got a cheesy grin? You're about to find out...
57. OklaHOma!
(Oklahoma 1977) A porn adaptation of the Rogers and Hammerstein classic. Noted for its exceptionally bad sound track which attempted to take the music from the original and put it to a 70's funk beat.
56. Tapping Amanda
(USA 2003) Major Samantha "Sam" Carter takes one up the stargate. See Amanda Tapping
55. The Love Boat
(USA 2005) A documentary of the Minnesota Vikings sex cruise. Unfortunately it contains scenes of the team's offensive line stripping.
54. Spooge Party XVI
(USA 2002) John Woo takes up the Directoral reins in this disappointing return of Meryl Streep's Mary Jane.
53. Gelegentliche Leute engagieren sich im lieblosen sexuellen Verkehr
(Germany 1961) a.k.a. Random people engage in loveless sexual intercourse. A modernist porn classic.
52. Sock-Puppet Gangbang
(USA 1991) Things take a turn for the sexy when a plane full of hookers crash on gumdrop mountain.
51. Creamer versus Creamer
(USA 1976) Good Lord, it's everywhere.
[edit]
50 to 43
50. The Bitches of Madison County
(USA 1995) Clint Eastwood (realizing he was born to do porn after having good look at his name) stars as a photographer who spends four magical days of the year 1960 with 16 submissive black women.
49. Fistful of Dildos
(Spain 1967) Spagetti Western Pornflick starring Clit Westwood as the "Man with No Knob".
48. The Missionary
(UK 1982) Monty Python's Michael Palin enjoys himself in this softcore sex romp.
47. Mr. Smith does Washington
(2003, USA) James Stewart stars as Jefferson Smith, a highschool cheerleader with a crush on Denzel Washington.
46. Fill Bill
(USA, 2005) Some obscure gay porn stars star in this x-rated parody of Kill Bill. Bad use of samurai swords as dildos makes this movie one of the worste, not to mention it's gay porn.
45. Scooby Doo and the Mystery of the Cock Ness Monster
(USA, 1983) Mr. T stars as the Cock Ness Monster, and an actual dog plays Scooby, who joins in the action.
44. Cocky
(USA, 1989) Sylvester Stallon stars as Cocky, the people's champ of cock fighting, who must defend his title against a Soviet super hulk.
43. Free Willy
(USA, 1993) Ron Jeremy stars as Keiko, a lovable whale.
[edit]
42 to 23

Wayne Rooney performing in the Theatre of Wet Dreams
42. Shrek
(USA, 2001) Wayne Rooney's first film away from the Vaudeville circuit, sees him servicing the needs of the eldery people of Florida. Look out for a rare appearance from veteran actress Elaine Stritch.
41. The Penetrator
(USA, 1985} A sex machine is sent back through time on a mission to penetrate as many women named Sarah Connor as possible, in an effort to stop sex symbol of the 2030's John Connor from being born, but is ultimately responsible for the impregnation which leads to his birth.
40. One Came Over the Cuckoo's Nest
(USA, 1974) Wristslappin' Action Movie from the Director of "Die Hard On".
39. Bruce Allnighty
(USA, 2002) Comedy in which sick and tired Porn star God, endows poor performing Bruce with his unstoppable sexual prowess for a whole night.
38. Dr. Strangelove
(UK, 1901) Stanley Kubrick's first and only foray into the world of 'Strangelove', featuring numerous banned scenes, such as the infamous deep goat throat.
37. American History XXX
(USA, 1993) The descendants of George Washington shag their way through the struggle for independance, The Civil War, World War I & II, Vietnam and the Gulf War.
36. Shaving Private Ryan
(USA, 1998) US soldiers desperately try to shave their comrade, Private Ryan, who's stationed behind enemy lines. For some reason it was released in Canada as Shaving Ryan's Privates.
35. Sin City
(Italy, 1987) At the Vatican, a previously chaste nun discovers just what miraculous powers the Pope is really endowed with.
34. Forrest Hump
(USA, 1994) Forrest Hump, while not intelligent, has the stamina of a bull and is accidently present at many historic moments throughout pornographic history.
33. The Man in the Leather Mask
(France, 1998) Amazing romp of sadism set in revolutionary France, featuring porn trio, The Three Musketeers.
32. Snatch
(UK, 2000) Intimate documentary exploring female genitalia.
31. The Sexorcist
(USA, 1981) Bizarre black and white remake which went on to gain prolific status, for its 6 minute, colour crucifix masturbation scene (which was entirely ripped from the original).
30. Reservoir, Doggie Style
(USA, 1991) Quentin Tarantino's first and last foray into the world of hardcore porn, giving us a brief glimpse into the world of Mr. Pink's sexual escapades.
29. The Dominatrix
(USA, 1999) In a world controlled by Microwave ovens, is it even possible to get a real erection? Be sure to take the red pill.
28. When Harry met Sally 2 — Harry meets Sally's Sister
(USA, 1992) Billy Crystal in a last desperate ditch attempt to jumpstart his dead career. Meg Ryan wisely declined the dubious honour of portraying both Sally and her twin sister. The film was unsurprisingly a box office hit in Nicaragua and Japan.
27. The Butcher's Wife 2 — Jackoffal
(France, 2001) Demi Moore reprises her role as the Butcher's Wife, showing just how sexy salami can really be.
26. A Minge too Far
(UK, 1950) A tale set against the backdrop of WWII, the 2nd World Wrestling championships. The lead accidentally goes down on the wrong minge.
25. XXX-Ray — Röntgen's Delight
(Germany, 2005) In probably the most bizarre turn of the pr0n industry, some German art house directors recorded a gang bang... using X-Ray film. Giving new meaning to 'being inside of someone', it earned critical acclaim from Mediocre Britain's Medical Association.
24. Mork love Pork
(USA, 1979) Probings applenty as Mork goes in search of Uranus.
23. American Cream Pie
(USA, 2007) This time Shannon Elizabeth is really going to get it.
[edit]
22 to 11
22. Charlie and The Chocolate Factory 3 — Chocolate Starfish
(USA, 2008) Charlie learns about the dark side. Quite likely the worst gay porn movie.
21. Kinkilympics 2001
(Poland, 2001) Shot as a documentary of the 2001 Kinky Olympics, featuring the adult sports of pole vaulting, bush diving, clam eating, and dozens others. Nicknamed 2001 hideously ugly eastern european porn stars with nothing to do on a friday, the film was universally panned, and directly reponsible for 2001 being the first and last year to have a Kinkilympics.
20. Zoolander 2
(USA, 1999) Billed as "Bestiality fun for the whole family", this film depicts a male model what can't read very good. Needless to say it bombed, his target audience couldn't read the directions to the theatres.
19. Monty's Python — The Horny Gail
(UK, 1987) Another bestial flick, this time from the Brits. Not suitable for those suffering from Ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), or Gailnomiphobia (fear of people named Gail).
18. Oral Hygiene — The Saga Begins
(USA, 2005) A very strange collection of toothbrushes performing fellatio on one another, cut in a modern style reminiscent of MTV commercials.
17. Catholic Schoolgirls get Down Under 156
(Australia, 1968) The same tired old plaid skirts turned upside down, notable for a total lack of Schoolgirls.
16. Grannies Get Gorey 2 — Alliteration Affects Almost All Arses
(UK, 2005) Watch Wonderfully Wild Women Woo Wayward Wraights.
"Toothless grannies try to seduce mythical creatures in this one. That I can stomach... but it's the insane alliteration that really gets to me."
~ Oscar Wilde
15. Mistress of Spices — Black Pepper
(UK, 2005) Frequently mistaken for a cooking show, this film shows a woman handling all sorts of spices in the kitchen. Claimed to have been the highlight of an independent film festival, but falling seriously short when it comes to hot action... unless you count the times where the chilis vanished.
14. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
(USA, 1968) Even worse than Herbie Does Dallas, a whole gang bang of cars appears in this film. Starring Dick Van Dyke, the first male lesbian.
13. Star Wars - The Empire Gets Back
(USA, 1984) Thought by many to be a product placement scam by the Star Wars Marital Aids Empire.
12. Star Wars - A New Ho'
(USA, 1977) Managed to "beat off" the only other film from the Trilogy to feature in the list, this 70s BDSM classic featured a "LightSabre" fight, as well as the first footage of the "Vader's Helmet" toy.
11. The Flash
(USA, 1992) Low budget. Lone guy with a trenchcoat. Barely pR0n.
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Bedknobs and Brown Dicks retailed with a very collectable front cover
10. Bed Knobs and Brown Dicks
(USA/UK 1935) An perculiar combination of live action and animated footage, in this pioneering, inter-racial production.
9. Sex Trek III — The Search for Cock
(USA, 1982) Kirk feels guilty for the suffering caused to the crew of the XXX Enterprise via the loss of their beloved Cock, and promises to hunt some down.
8. Sex Trek II — The Wrath of Cunt
(USA, 1980) A cunt is deserted on a desert planet, and vows to take revenge.
7. Sex Trek IV — The Bondage Home
(USA, 1984) The crew travels through time and space to find The House of Bondage.
6. Face/On
(Mexico, 1999) Thanks to a revolutionary medical technique, a man's face is surgically connected to a woman's crotch, in an attempt to infiltrate a criminal organisation.
5. Total Bar Brawl
(USA, 2001) A young Austrian-American called Quaid is sent to Mars to stamp out a bar brawl, only to fall in love with the Triple-breasted Whore of Eroticon 6.
4. Done in Sixty Seconds
(USA, 2004) A retired porn star is forced back into the industry and must fuck 50 women in one night to save his brother's life.
3. Jet Stream is... The Wand
(USA/Hong Kong, 2000) A young man from Hong Kong visits every multiverse in existence so he can rape himself in every last one of them. Only when he's raped all his selves will he find the awesome power of The Wand.
2. Womb Raider
(USA, 2003) A big breasted adverturer dives beyond the abyss of the cervix.
1. The Sodfather
(USA, 1976) The aging patriarch of an organized sex dynasty transfers control of his clandestine porn empire to his reluctant son.
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