2016 is ending & I am emotionally bleeding like a dying pig

This has been a year. Not a bad year, I have definitely had my share of those, but definitely not a good year. I am unemployed. Have lousy health care.  Mother fractured her hip and that was an adventure. While away helping her, my eldest cat Murphy passed away and that nearly killed me emotionally. On top of that, my unofficially favorite Micky, the Potato On A Stick, also passed away this year. Trump won and both sides of the political equation are acting like children. Violence and general disrespect seem to be on the rise. I really hope next year is better.

And I am terrified. Why? Because I have no safety net in place after my parents die. I have no savings. I have no retirement fund. I have no home. I have nothing and it is killing me to know that when they are gone, I am going to have a student loan I cannot pay off and no home and no way to take care of myself or anyone else. And I feel paralyzed because everything I try fails. In fact, when I leave things improve for the people and/or organizations which makes me feel even worse.

I have a true hatred for myself. I really and truly would just stop trying but for my cats & I just lost 2 of the 5 this year. I trust them to actually like me and want to be with me. I do not believe anyone else when they say that. Hell, my own mother won't talk to me. Wants me to live with her, but that is mostly so all her chicks are under one roof. But actually talk to me? Want me to help her do anything? She accepts because I am there, not because she wants or needs and it shows & it hurts.

My sister can barely remember to call me & when she does it is usually because our mother is pissing her off or mom wants something & can't be bothered to call me herself. And if that inspires the warm & fuzzies, then you are a lot more understanding than I am. I do not know how many times I have called and my sister has played on the computer, read a book, did laundry, texted with her ex or best friend, talked with her cat, and sometimes all the above in a 5-10 minute conversation. Again, it hurts and lets me know I am not wanted needed or necessary.

Dad is a different story & in many ways I share the same personality. He was completed by Esther, my late step mother. She was his perfect match. Now that she is gone, he is too alive to just roll over and die, but he does not, & never has needed me. I have needed him. If I were to move out and a few months later, he would move, I doubt if he would tell me. There have been several moves he has made over the years and it was not until this past 3 years that I found out about them. He never thought to let me know. I know he loves me, and enjoys having me around, but unless I am there I do not truly ping on his radar. Once we go our separate ways, he won't remember to call or write or visit.

Am I over reacting? Probably. I know they love me, but none of them want or like me and it shows and it hurts.

When I found out Murphy was dead, and I was unable to leave Mom's, oh, that just hurt. Dad did everything I would have. It was his time. He had 18 great years with me. But knowing I was not there for his final days just leaves me gutted. 

Hi

I am astonishingly tired of the crap. I know some of it is of my own making, but I did not create all these tornado's, never ending rain, my step mom's cancer complete with limited life expectancy, my mother's spinal cord issues with that limited life span diagnosis, the economy which makes it even harder for me to get a job. I did not deliberately choose to have weird allergies that make it impossible for me to eat anything made with milk, which can be remarkably difficult given how milk byproducts are preservatives. I am tired of it all.

This malaise is not helped by looking around and seeing how our morals and ethics are going down hill as a country and our education system is going down the crapper. I want to believe in humanity, but every time I turn around, there is another article of how people are totally self absorbed wack jobs. Probably the saddest example I have read of late is in Mother Earth News. A group of people were gossiping about the latest end of the world prophecy and 1 man said he was not bothering to prepare because there were Amish families down the road. Instead of doing any real work, he'd load up his guns and go take their stuff. Am I the only person appalled by that? I hope I am not, but I bet there are more people who agree with the gun totin' thief rather than the hard working Amish families.

I have also been reading up on autism and psychopathy and 1 of the little factoids that distresses me is how there are stats quoted that show how prevalent these individuals are and how their numbers are growing. The different specialists do not have any idea why this is so. My personal theory is that these people are born soulless. There are too many bodies being produced but the number of souls available are limited. So I guess in a truly odd way, I think another Noah's flood will come about soon because there are too many bodies and God, the Higher Source, Source of All Things, Gia, the Lord & Lady, however you want to phrase it, will be stepping in to correct the terrible imbalance.

I could also be in la la land because I hurt so much and am so ridiculously tired. Take your pick.

Am I supposed to accomplish anything today?

I give up. I have a list of paperwork I need to take care of, but I can not get to it. I accomplished all of the other chores - cleaning litter pans, laundry, dished, planting tree, walking dogs, gathering trash, straightening boys rooms, took a shower. Then around 1:30 pm I took my shower & have accomplished little else. I have been on the phone, tried getting 2011 files set up but kept getting distracted, & now it is after 3:30 pm & the boys are home. I have been on the phone trying to find a foster home for an adandoned cat because we really do not have the room & getting no where. The boys need help with their homework & chores, so that eats time & attention. I am free for these 5 minutes only because I sent the boys off to other places to do their chores before homework. & it is just ridiculous!

Me Again

I am just venting a bit here. I am looking for a job again because I need to be closer to my family. But guess what? There are no jobs out there, esp. if your resume looks like mine. I do not know what to do because I really want to go home. I am also needed at home. But without a way to pay for those little things like food & enough money to buy, oh, a car, I have no clue what to do.

I hate this. My friends are mostly in GA or the Carolina's. My father & stepmother are in 'Bama & she has cancer. My Dad is going to need help if the chemo fails & since they are reaching 7, I have serious doubts about how well she will handle the chemo.

Meanwhile, my mother is finally getting a diagnosis for her diabetes, nerves dying (& I have no clue what the name of that disease is but I know of it because of a friends father having it as well), slipped & ruptured sics in her spine & nerve damage. My sister, who has NEVER had a job in her life, is now in the position of needing to get one, but unable because our mom needs her. Let's not forget, there is also my nephew who needs his mom as well.

I want to go home. I need a job so that I can move out of Ohio & move to (HOPEFULLY) the Carolina's so that I can actually be near friends & family again. And I miss the,. I miss the laughter & watching them develop lives & being around people who enjoy a lot of the same things I do. I miss being with my family. I miss just being in a climate where there is ice 9 months out of the year. But I need a job because without that, I am an additional drain & I can't stomach that.

Zombies

For the past few weeks, in between getting ready for Thanksgiving & other chaos, I sat at an apartment complex trying to capture a feral cat. I figured something out while sitting hour after hour. The reason there are so many zombies or infected people in horror flicks is because people are completely unobservant. Based on what I saw sitting there, 90% of humanity will be infected/dead before anyone clues in.

I sat there, off & on, for 3 weeks at the same general time. During that period, only 4 people noticed me. Beside the dumpster where I had the trap set up - a wire have-a-heart live capture trap - maybe 2 people each day noticed it. That is a generous number. It was covered in either a blue or leopard striped freaking' towel that flapped in the wind, stank of wet cat food & sandwich meat, & people never noticed. The only people who noticed were the ones who had their dogs & even a few of them never noticed. Their dogs were on retractable leashes, so they kept walking & unless the dog was tangled, never looked to see what their pet was doing.

If this is what humanity is becoming, then we deserve to be wiped out. I am sitting in an orange Kia Borego illegally parked perpendicular to the parking lines. ( Might have that wrong but I was parked incorrectly in a major kind of way.) I have a flash light for reading as it gets dark. And only 2 people noticed me & 1 of them jumped when they did notice me. That is just sad.

But at least now I understand why so many people are roaming around as infected/zombies in all the horror flicks. No one notices anything. People are caught up in their own thoughts/digital world, so if some drooling zombie were to come lurking along & bite them, they would not notice anything but the annoying smell & look in all the wrong places right before eaten.

Another Dream

Dreamt that I was standing at a paparde of some sort, talking with friends when the guy beside me made a comment that had me looking at him and asking if I looked to be 100 years old. He panicked and left.
(gee wonder why?)
Next, I was in a carriage with the same friends & we went to a spa where they treated me to a day but I went to find the dressing room & got lost. That is when my alarm went off.

Sigh

I am in a delightful position - again. I wonder how people do it, those who can go all their life and follow some "plan." I am not talking about the novel version where the main character has a plan for each stage of their life. I am talking about the smaller, 5 year plans that let a person get from this point of success to that point of success. I am not "hurting" by any stretch, but I have not truly achieved anything beyond growing up, NOT having children & getting a Master's degree. But I have accomplished nothing else & am now trying to make decsions that will not be good choices on any level. They will be decisions that allow me to best help either my family or my friends. I know my family will win, but I really want to have the income so that I am not an additional drain on my family.

My father will not survive much past my step-mother who has cancer. Yes, it was caught early enough, yes, it is being treated aggressively. She is over 65, however, & has a history of medical problems. Odds are not in her favor & my father does not just adore her, he is completely dependent upon her. I am terrified of what will happen when she passes on.

My mother is also aging & on many levels has already given up. She hurts, her legs are giving out underneath her to th point she has additional damage. She has a thyroid condition, borderline diabetic, & a host of other borderline diseases which I get to look forward to, esp. since Dad has them as well.

Yeah, I have GREAT genes. Just another reason to NEVER have kids & pass on these flawed genetics.

Anyway, I also have a good job that is going to be going to the next level soon & I am excited about that. I guess the problem is that I am not excited about the fighting that will be necessary to get to that level. I am not refrring to corporate in-fighting or sheer work type of fighting. I am talking about making the partners work and agree.

Dreams

Well, I do believe that I am getting sick. How do I know this? After sending the kids off to school this morning, I went back to bed. There I had a truly strange dream. I dreamt that was living in a small town, it was winter due to the clue that I was cold & bundled up for the funeral of the child I was attending. Though I was concerned about the legality of the funeral because it was a shape shifter & while the mortuary was involved, it was not "on the books" so the speak. I remember offering my condolences to the family & they told me how much they appreciated my coming & once the father was no longer a cat, he would appreciate it as well.
I dreamt that I was disappointed in my white washed cinder block apartment, not because it was cinder blocks, but because I did not have all of my stuff yet.
I also dreamt that I was making out with a shape shifter who was part sea creature & we had to be careful because he developed claws along his abs & groin when aroused so we had to be careful of angles.
That is when I woke up to a lot of banging.

Kind of Back

It has been a while & a lot has happened. I am now a nanny/housekeeper/chief pooper scooper for 70 cats/general goofer for a family of 4 who need the extra help. We live on 10 acres & that 10 acres includes 20 fruit trees, green house, hoop houses, pond, & of course, 70 cats.

Can I just say that I am also VERY tired?

I really want to find another job. However, I have been here for 4, going on 5, years & my resume sucks. In this economy, unless you're are absolutely fantastic, finding a job is well nigh impossible. I am not fantastic. Since my dream job is a basic factory job right now, where I have no responsibility or decisions to make, then I am truly screwed.

What makes this feeling so ironic is that I would be bored stiff in under a week if I had a basic drone factory job & know it. I am just exceptionally tired. The 2 children & 70 cats & all the angst & drama have taken a huge toll on me & I am reaching massive burn out & know it. I know that this is a good job & I can make a lot of out it. But I honestly no longer care. I want to walk away because of all the family drama that I could care less about. I am not emotionally invested and I have no desire to be invested.

The number of times a day I wish I could become an anchorite nun is rather frightening. Out of a 12 hour period, about every 30 minutes or so I wonder how I would cope & how my life would be different. Because I really do not want to be this responsible for someone else's dream. I do not mind working and helping achieve a goal, but this is not my dream & never has been.

I do not want to live in the country & on a farm. I do not want to raise crops & a small herd of dairy goats. I do not want to can and preserve the crops. I do not want any of this. My dream life is to have a small apartment with a decent TV system so I can watch movies & read on my time with my cats snuggled up and go to work 40-60 hours each week & know that when I leave work, I am leaving it all behind so I can be by myself.

Anti-social? Yes, and given how surrounded I am all the time, this desire to be alone will not dissipate any time soon. Eventually, sure. But not any time soon.

Wowsers

I know that my posting has become ridiculously sporatic. All I can say is that I have a new appreciation for mothers. I have been running 24/7 since I took this job and I am amazed to report that I am loving it. I have laughed more in the past 3 months than I have over the past 13 years. My personal stress levels are down, my temper has evened out to an astonishing degree. I no longer have bouts of semi-suicidal despondency. I am enjoying life again. But I am still stunned, amazed, and in awe of mothers.

I do not know how a normal family does it. In this situation, with so many conflicting responsibilities, errands, and play dates, school demands, work demands. personal demands, I know that my role in this family is necessary. But how do families pull it off in todays world? You need the extended friends & family to make life work if you have children, because there are those nights when the oldest has baseball, the goungest has soccer, mom has a meeting down town & dad has to be out of town (personalize as you need). SO how does dinner get cooked, everyone get where they need to be, and still have time to be a family? Without extended family & friends, taxi drivers, nannies, it would be fat out impossible.

Beyond this world of need that I am being introduced to, life is pretty good. I am sincerely enjoying the fun that I have been having. I have been to everything from a dinner theater to school fairs. Some I could live without, ohers I will return to as often as I can. The dinner theater is definitely 1 of those. It has been nice to be able to sleep at night and not worry.

PSA

I am posting this because of something that happened on another blog, as well as something I ran into A LOT at my next to last position as a library branch manager. For those who are on limited financial resources, go to your library and do not just look at the shelves. Look at their online catalogue. It is astonishing how many items are not physically in the building you are in. Most local branches are part of a much larger system. This translates into more buying power. Each library does not need a copy of the book because the multiple copies they do buy circulate between the patrons who do want the book.

For example, a fellow blogger, exmi, recently posted how the local branch of the Georgia library system does not have a book he is waiting on. All he has to do is simply go online, log in using his library card number & pass word helpfully supplied by the local branch, and place a hold on the book. It will arrive from 1 of the many libraries in the PINES system. It might take a while to arrive because it is a reasonably new book he wants, but since the PINES system is 90% of GA, the odds are fairly good he will get the book in a few weeks.

The Weather

This weather stuff is really odd to me of late. I talk to my mother & sister, who gloat about their 80 degree weather. I step outside and whimper in this 40 degree weather. It is cold and raining and it sucks big time.

Anyway, life is pretty good. I went yesterday to see a great cheesy movie - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I took the 7 year old I take care because a) he is on spring break & b) he earned a movie, unlike his little brother who is having serious adjustment issues at this time. But anyway, the movie was absolutely hilarious. What was rather bittersweet for lack of a better term was that as I sat there, laughing, watching the 7 yr old enjoy the movie, I was able to recognize almost every line, every motion, every plot twist from at least 5 other books/plays/movies/tv shows.

On the intellectual level it was rather nice to recognize all that I did, but it was kind of depressing because it means I read too much. I mean, when I recognize lines straight from Shakespeare, other Disney movies, the Bible, the Three Stoogies, Monty Python, Dante, David Drake, & those are just the moments I remember, it is kind of depressing. I know that nothing new has been written since the Bible, but still . . .

I'm Steill Here

Wowsers, there have been just a few changes since I last posted. Among others, I am now a nanny/housekeeper in Ohio. Talk about a major career change!

It has been a month plus and I can say that I have been enjoying myself. I have not laughed this much in literally a decade. I have actually been embarrassed too! Since the past few years have been nothing but frustration and angst, I actually enjoyed the mild embarrassment. Now all I have to do is remember my technicl skills with those ridiculous household appliances like electric can openers, and I will be set.

Seriously life has improved for me. I am busy and yet I have time, like now, to kick back and play on the computer. Granted, I am also helping 1 of my charges with an educational computer game, but I do not need that much attention to help him spell words like "mall," and "tail."

The drive up here was absolutely nerve wracking however. I dread to the point of nightmares the day I go back to SC for my furniture, books, general stuff, and drive back to Ohio. Only about 12 hours drive time, but since I currently drive a 2000 S-type Jaguar, a 20 foot UHaul is going to be a MASSIVE change. (And for my friends who've known, don't you like how I worked that in?)

The next 2-3 years will be interesting, but it is an opportunity to decide just what and where I want for myself. I know the general, vague, outline, but finding information on monastic orders that welcome women here in the grand old USA is surprisingly difficult. I keep finding orders that focus on community se3rvice and education, when I want a more contemplative order. Cripes, I would love one that deals with refilling ink cartridges or produces gourmet foods, or whatever, but those are male orders. I am not about to have a sex change just to join. Silly of me, but it is a quirk.

On the flip side of that particular goal, the match making efforts have me pursueing a train of thought that I never really had before. But just what do I want/look for in a potential lover? Thanks to several late conversations with a bit of wine to help the conversational flow, I have realized that not only have I never really thought about it, but I rarely look, and try to avoid the entire issue. On the emotonal side, it is because I have some major trust issues. The number of people I actually trust is ridiculously small. There is a longer list of people I trust to react certain ways, but actually trust enough to share a bed with? HA!

Anyway, thanks to these conversations I realized again that looks play the smallest role. I mean that while there are several things that are an automatic "EEEWWW!" for me, I have no preference for blond, brunette, or bald. Just that they have a hair line and it does not stop at their feet. Hairy bodies do NOTHING for me. Then there is smell. The people I deal with either do not register with me or have a pleasant smell so I do not mind spending time with them. But there have been many people over the years whose personal body scent literally curdled my stomache.

OOOPS! Need to head out the door. More later.

Does "fucking hell no!" mean anything?

Snakes help soothe the joints at spa
Fri Jan 26, 10:02 AM ET
Hold the Dead Sea salts and tea-tree oil. An Israeli health and beauty spa has introduced a new treatment to its menu -- snake massage.
For 300 shekels ($70), clients at Ada Barak's spa in northern Israel can add a wild twist to their treatment by having six non-venomous but very lively serpents slither and hiss a path across their aching muscles and stiff joints.
"I'm actually afraid of snakes, but the therapeutic effects are really good," customer Liz Cohen told Reuters Television as Barak let the snakes loose on her body.
Barak uses California and Florida king snakes, corn snakes and milk snakes in her treatments, which she said were inspired by her belief that once people get over any initial misgivings, they find physical contact with the creatures to be soothing.

I found this on yahoo and EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW! sounds about right. And I like snakes!

Here is a bit of trivia that absolutely boggles me. I just went with my sister to the local tech school. There, at the cosmetology department, we got our hair cut. It cost us each $5 for a wash, cut, and dry. Each time I have gone to a tech school to get my hair cut, in SC, PA, AL, or GA, I have loved my hair afterwards. It is a good cut and while slow, the experience was a positive one.

But on the flip side, I have been to pricey salons - places like Belks, Parisans, Organika, various day spa's, etc. I have paid any where from $15 to $100 for a hair cut. Yet most of those experiences left me in tears or just a simple shrug of my shoulders because my hair was no longer in my eyes & I was in & out in less than 30 minutes.

So why is it that I enjoy the experience & the actual cut better when I go to the school and yet when I go to a salon, I went home & cried at the butchering they just did on my hair? Can anyone explain that mystery?

Anyway, I am excited! I am going to go visit a friend in the chilly wilds of Ohio. Since I am currently wearing shorts & a flannel shirt with all the windows & doors open, I think I am going to freeze when I get off the plane in Ohio. Could be wrong, but . . .

In my morning walks, 1 of the topics I have been contemplating is my future. I hate being so clueless and feeling this hamstrung. I know that I want out. I know there are a few doors currently opened for me. I know that I want to walk through them. I am also afraid of what my mother will do/say and what will happen to my sister and nephew. I hate the thought of leaving her here with my mother. But I can not see any other option, especially since a lot of the thank you, but no thank you letters that I have called to follow up on have said that part of the reason I was not selected was because I was not located"in a "more advantageous" location. Since Beaufort, SC is not a mecca of industry, I am not surprised. I want to relocate. But without a job, how am I too afford the relocation? Catch-22 strikes again, and it sucks big time.

It's Hot!

I am amazed to be writing this, but I am actually wearing shorts. It is January 15th, and I am wearing shorts and a light t-shirt. It is perfect weather for it. But it is January 15th! I am confused! Isn't supposed to be cold? Did I miss a memo or something?

I am feeling bleck today. I was at work and it was yet another fun and exciting day. I do enjoy the job, but I really and truly do wish that I made more so that I could move out. I want a shower. A real shower. With space and actual room. Oh well. Some day.

Has anyone else been following the confusing case of the 2 boys re-united with their families? 1 kidnapped a few years ago & the other a few days ago? Can anyone help me understand why these boys did nothing to get back to their real families? I admit that I want to run away from mine on a routine basis, but that's just a bit over the top. In other words, I am really confused as to just what was happening and Stockholm syndrom does not cover it in my book.

It's A New Year

It has been an interesting week here in SC. It has been in the freakin' 70's! I know it is silly of me, especially since I can not tolerate the cold, but this just feels wrong.

Anyway, I have been reveling is wearing shorts in January so I guess life is pretty good for me.

Otherwise, I have trying to think about the future and realizing just how screwed I am. I know that I have options, but some of them are down right scary, while others require disappointing my mother & father, something that falls under "hard to o, even though I do it routinely." And in the scenario's I see, the hardest part lies in how unhappy my mother will be and how it will effect my sister & nephew. I REALLY want to be an orphan about now.

Not really, but while scarier, life would be simpler. I would not hurt anyone else and I would know that there is no one else to rely on. That is also a remarkably depressing statement and what it says about my mental outlook is even more depressing. So I will ignore it and go on with my point.

The options that I can see open before me at this point in time.

1 - I can continue working at the Garden Gate, accept some of the house/pet sitting offers I have been approached on, and keep job hunting several hours each day. Eventually something will come through and I will go from there.

2 - Basically the same as option 1, but instead of several hours daily, only a 1 day per week with the rest of the week being devoted to writing. Give myself 5 years to become a published author and/or gainfully employed with benefits.

3 - I can talk with my father & move in to his guest house & start over in Alabama.

4 - I can talk to various friends and move further North and try there.

It really scares me because I have no idea what to do. And the worst is that my mother really wants me to stay here and help out with my sister & nephew. Since I want my sister and nephew to have a good life & since she can not drive due to epilepsy, it is even further conflicted. I do not know what to do, but I think I am going to start writing short stories again & see if I can get them published. Who knows?

Any way I look at it, I am scared and have no clue what to do. All I do know is that I want to move out and be alone.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Just wishing my few readers a Merry Christmas and Happy New Years!

OK, This is funny

OK So, what's your sign? You crash here often? - Yahoo! Newshttp://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061214/od_nm/astrology_driving1_dc

This is the link to an article from yahoo that I find hysterical.

So, what's your sign? You crash here often?
By Naomi KimThu Dec 14, 9:42 AM ET
Never mind how careful you are behind the wheel or how long you've been driving, the signs of the zodiac may be bigger factors behind your ability to avoid car crashes -- or why you have too many.
According to a study by InsuranceHotline.com, a Web site that quotes drivers on insurance rates, astrological signs are a significant factor in predicting car accidents.
The study, which looked at 100,000 North American drivers' records from the past six years, puts Libras (born September 23-October 22) followed by Aquarians (January 20-February 18) as the worst offenders for tickets and accidents
Leos (July 23-August 22) and then Geminis (May 21-June 20) were found to be the best overall.
"I was absolutely shocked by the results," said Lee Romanov, president of Toronto-based InsuranceHotline.com, who also wrote the book "Car Carma" which touches on the correlation between astrological signs and driving ability while doing the study.
Romanov originally wanted to have some fun by examining astrological signs as a possible cause for the variance between insurance companies quoting high and low rates but didn't expect to find anything interesting.
"Now, changing postal codes is far less significant to me than drivers of certain astrological signs," she told Reuters on Wednesday.
Even age, another variable for determining insurance rates, is less of a consideration to Romanov. The cutoff line for being considered a higher risk driver is 24 years of age; 25-year-olds are considered not-high risk.
"I'd rather get into a car with a 24-year-old Leo than a 25-year-old Aries," Romanov said.
Leos, described along with the study results on InsuranceHotline.com/a10.html, are "generous, and comfortable in sharing the roadway."
Aries, on the other hand, "have a 'me first' childlike nature that drives Aries into trouble."
"I wasn't believing in it before," said Romanov, "but I would think twice before getting into a car with an Aries."

HA!

I have reached a decision. From now on, all gifts from me will be either from the ASPCA or Humane Society or the Watkins Company. My life has just become incredibly easier, especially since the only person I need to buy for is my nephew. He will probably get an amazing amount from Toys'R'Us, but that's only until he gets past the cute kid stage. Then it will be the animal rescue sites for him. And the occasional additional pet because all growing boys need dogs, cats & fish. I know I need all the above, though until we move out the fish are a no-go.

And right now, I am miffed at my family. I was given an incredibly cool gift (for me at least). An Easy Bake Oven! And I hate to cook. In fact, I do not cook at all thanks to my sister having no job and taking care of that particular chore. Unfortunately, I can't use the utterly adorable, cute, wonderful Easy Bake Oven until after Christmas. It is just sitting there under the tree. Looking at me. Calling me. Enticing me to pull out that Oreo kit I have and bake. THIS SUCKS!