Drivel

This week has been highly interesting. I can’t recommend anyone try duplicating it unless they really want to lose 10+ lbs over night & not be able to face food for the next week without wanting to hurl, but that is just my opinion.

I think the best part of being very ill is the lack of memory afterwards. I don’t mean you have no recollection of the period being ill, just that it’s all smashed together into a giant “urghk.” Any clear memories are absolutely crystal clear and usually pretty humorous. Like my 2 memories of the past few days. 1 memory is of lying on the bathroom floor having a wildlife moment and being grateful no one was around and cameras were all far away. I was lying there, being suitably gross with sweat pouring of me, heating pad doing its thing under my belly, and all 4 cats were licking the sweat of me, 2 nibbling, and all of them grumbling because I kept twitching. Or at least I think they were the source of the grumbles. It could have been my unhappy tummy.

My other memory is of watching exmi’s feet. I was still lying on the bathroom floor and I know we had an entire conversation but all I remember is seeing his old, beat up boots as he sat the heavenly ginger ale bottle down beside me.

Which reminds me, exmi, THANK YOU! I do not think I would have made it without a trip to the hospital if you hadn’t made the trip out with ginger ale and crackers. And the same goes to three-score. I definitely appreciate the call to check-up on me. And while I don’t remember it, I know that you will remind me of any horribly embarrassing comments I made while being all drool-ly and gross. Right? ;-)

Any who, I am at work and it is fortunately very quiet right now. As in, it is now after 12 noon, and there have been all of 5 people enter the building & 2 came in with that eternally annoying question – “Where’s the bathroom?” I REALLY hate that question. I know that I should not complain because that is about all I can handle today, but it is so incredibly annoying. I have managed to check stats, clean emails out, answer the phone, and generally waste a large chunk of this morning in a completely unproductive manner.

Had a bit of “excitement” a minute ago. A patron came in and told us all about a high speed chase involving a “big ol’ pick-up” and a “Ferrari-type car.” According to our witness, the truck was tail-gating the Ferrari-type car and the 2 were going about 65 in a 25 area and the entire police force got called in – all 6 of them. From what the witness then saw, the cops cut the truck of and yanked the truck driver out of the cab and arrested him. No clue – yet – on what the back story is but I am sure I will have it by Monday given the way gossip flows in this town. My guess is an unhappy husband/boyfriend got ticked off and chased wife/girlfriend and cops got called in. I hope I am wrong, but . . .

It amazes me what sort of nonsense my brain can come up with when I am spaced out and killing time. Like now, I am wondering why saltines are made into little squares? Why not rectangles? Who came up with drinking tea? Why aren’t we smoking tea and drinking tobacco? And who was the 1st saint to create hot chocolate? That is someone who deserves to be canonized, win the Nobel, Pulitzer, Emmy, Stanley Cup, all the Bowls, and any other prize you can name.

In the silly romance novels I devour like candy, why doesn’t anyone ever take a shower, go to the bathroom, or get sick unless it is part of the plot? Same goes for mysteries. I agree that reading about how someone retired to the library to read, have a smoke, and went to the bathroom is not all the exciting. I am not asking for that kind of detail. What I am asking for is a bit more realism in fluff fiction. Mascara running, lipstick smudged all over clothing, nails chipped if brick walls are any place in the scene (be it a fight or a sex scene), clothes messed up with sweat and dirt, that sort of thing. And why doesn’t anyone get an eye lash in there eye anymore? Or their contact slip? Not everyone has 20/20 vision!

Or if the couple in the romance novel just had blazing hot sex, outside, in the barn, and they go about the rest of the day without taking a shower? COME ON! Correct me if I have forgotten a few basics here (it has been several years after all), but when the sex is good, you tend to sweat. In the summer you are going to be sweating buckets anyway, and being outside, especially in the southeast? Sweat is a basic function with its own vocabulary. Bodily fluids are exchanged. And if you are outside, then there is dirt involved, or hay, sand, grit, whatever fits the locale. And once finished, going off to pick up your sibling/child/parent/whatever in that state is not something most sane adults are going to do. And I doubt if I am alone in this, but going to the bathroom afterwards is kind of a necessity. So who are these authors trying to kid?

And here is another point of nonexistent realism that gets me. When the heroine is still a virgin, I do not care how painless the 1st time is, it is going to be extraordinarily messy. So why does it seem like the 1st time is a moment of passing discomfort and then you pull your clothes back on and go about your day? I am starting to understand why my mother did not want me to read these as a kid.

And while I am on this rant, here is another physical improbability – but why are all these romance novel hero’s hung like gods? With magic hands that inspire orgasms on the 1st try? That one bothers me as well. I have had only 1 lover who managed to always get me to orgasm, usually multiple times, but from far too many conversations I know how exceptional that is. I (unfortunately) know women who have only had 2 +/- “REAL” orgasms in their entire life, and the 1st orgasm was why they married the man they now call their husband. That is not only deeply disturbing for many obvious reasons, but another reason I am not sure of the institution known as marriage.

A bit of politics now, I have been listening to the latest rumblings about the newest judicial nominee for the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers. Let me say that my 1st objection to her is that she looks like a dried apple. Superficial, yes, but that is why my gut reaction is a giant no. The next few layers of my objections revolve around the blatant cronyism going on. It is rather sad that she was chosen mostly because he knows her and likes her, NOT because of her work ethic, experience, morals, track record, or any of those other niggling details. I would hate having that sort of looming specter over my shoulder as I went in to work for the next 10-20 years.

Internationally, it will be interesting to see just how much aid Pakistan & the surrounding countries get for their horrendous natural disaster. Considering how many massive disasters have been hitting world wide, one right after the other, I also wonder how much more natural damage the world can sustain before total exhaustion sets in for the rescue crews. How many people are willing to be the 1st response teams in major disasters? Yes, the local teams are already in place and Lord help us all if those crews ever disappear, but how many cops, EMT’s, firemen, dr.’s, nurse’s, etc. are there willing to go do triage literally anywhere around the world? And just how many specialists are there in mudslide victim recovery? Or fire rescues? Or flood rescues? Or earthquakes? There are only so many people in this field and they have to be exhausted after 9/11, then the tsunami, then Katrina, then Rita, and now the earthquake. That is not counting all the “smaller” disasters that these dedicated souls have responded to. I admire and applaud these people, even if I do not share their dedication to mankind. But when will they catch a break?

Some fun now –

I copied this from Slap Dash Thoughts and my answer is chocolate cake with chocolate icing. Though I must admit it was a REALLY hard choice between that and the brownies. ;-)

What Kind of Cake Are You?
Pick ONE dessert from the list below, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you!
After taking this dessert personality test.
If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose?
(Sorry, you can only pick one!)
Angel Food Cake
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla Cake / Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate Cake / Chocolate Icing
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake
Blueberry Pie a la mode

NO. You can't change your mind! So think carefully what your choice will be! And no peeking!!!
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!

Angel food - Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.
Brownies - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Lemon Meringue - Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.
Vanilla Cake / Chocolate Icing - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not Very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.
Strawberry Short Cake - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and annoying at times.
Chocolate Cake / Chocolate Icing - Sexy, always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.
Ice Cream - You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.
Carrot Cake - You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.
Blueberry Pie a la mode - You are a person who is over the top. Spontaneous and fun loving. Very caring and always willing to help out a friend or stranger. Have to be careful of overextending yourself.

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally. "UNDERSTANDING WOMEN(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes. "He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.”( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee. "Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee. "Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.