I have returned from a small week long vacation and it was not long enough. It is a constant source of disappointment to me that I have to come back to work. Those lottery tickets really need to come through for me some day soon. I'd like to be able to actually sleep again.
A friend of mine & I have been talking about how life has NOT improved since we graduated with our Master's degrees. We worked our assess off. Gave up time with our families, went in to debt, risked our health, all so that "someday" we could have a job that would pay enough and be satisfying enough to make all that work and all those headaches worth it.
It has not happened and I do not understand why. I do not want a high power position or anything like that. I just want a position that I enjoy. One where I go home at night and know that I not only accomplished something, but made some sort of improvement. Instead, I spend my days wondering why people are so stupid and re-discovering that I am not a socialable soul. I do not want to spend my days with my stomach in knots, absolutely exhausted because of the people I am supposed to be helping.
All those personality/aptitude tests were off when I took them many moons ago. They all listed teaching and librarian as 1 of the top 5 career choices I'd be good at. That was a big fat lie. I find humanity exhausting. My health - mentally & physically - would never survive if I went in to teaching. As it is, I am a public librarian and it is a position that is seriously beating me up. Until I took this job, I had NEVER broken a bone in my life. So far, I have broken 4 bones, cracked 2, lost 4 of my toe nails, and have bruises all over my body. If I were dating someone, they'd be in real trouble because people would wonder if they were beating me. I'd hate trying to explain that, no, it is not my boyfriend/lover, but my job.
I can't deny that I am loving working in a library. Books are a major love in my life. I have lists of books I want, and that is just what I want to own. I have other lists of books I want to read but do not care to own, and rarely have less than 20 books sitting on my "To Read" shelf. What I am having problems enjoying is the people.
I know that I am sounding as if I detest having to talk to people but that is inaccurate. I like people on an individual basis. What I find wearing is having to care about them and having to care about helping them solve their problem, be it finding a book to read at the beach or research sources for some sort of report. People tend to be wonderful and generally fun to sit down and talk with on an individual basis. I am just not emotionally suited to dealing with this sort of position.
What the answer is, I do not know. I just know that I am ready to quit this job, even though the benefit package is incredible, it is an easy job to meet all the requirements of, the demands are light physically & mentally, the perks are great, yet despite all that, I do not want to come in to work. I spend more time not thinking than I do anything else.
That might be part of the problem. I am not thinking or trying to meet requirements or commitments. There are no demands on me beyond being interested and polite. And I need more.
Oh well. If anyone reads this, thank you for letting me brain storm. I am trying to make some choices & decisions, but I am not sure what way to go. Move in with Mom & the rest, return back to school for yet another degree, and go from there - OR - start looking for something that is more challenging and won't mean going back to school. I am leaning towards the 2nd choice because I REALLY do not want to go back to school. Another degree just does not hold any appeal, attraction, zilch for me. I want to work and make enough money to be able to pay my debts off and actually buy clothes & real food for once.
I must disagree that you wouldn't have been a good teacher. Maybe now you wouldn't be but there was a time not all that long ago when you would have been. And I rather strongly suspect that in the right situation you still would be.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the thought, but the more self-knowledge I develop, the more I realize I would not have lasted 2 years as a teacher.
ReplyDeleteI not only just do not care about the students enough to be effective, but I do not feel a passion for sharing what knowledge I have personally or can locate through various resources.
I enjoy the managing of material, anyone who has seen my home knows that. But sharing it, beyond making sure items are easily located, you can get it yourself. And the older I get, the stronger that feeling grows.