Bit of Self-Discovery

Lately, a close friend has been inspiring me to think of relationships in a less than negative manner. If it would not freak the poor soul out completely, I'd say thank you. That would mean all sorts of explanations, so if you are reading this, then know how much I appreciate you and try not to get too mad at me if I screw up in this posting, OK?

Anyway, part of my self-analysis has been my personal comfort levels. I read far more than I should, listen to others describe their relationships of whatever type, watch TV, listen to the radio, and recognize that there is a wide spectrum of personal comfort levels. Mine is fairly normal, I think. I mean, I might make it some where around impossible for someone new to enter my life, but once you are in, the boundaries are pretty non-existent. It does not bother me if someone has to use the bathroom but continues the conversation while in there doing whatever, and vice versa. It does not bother me to run around with my hair an absolute mess. I only get fussy when my clothes are still in the closet and I am not related to you some how.

Probably the only weirdness I have is 1 I developed over the years. Many years ago, I trusted everyone & it did not bother me if someone sat close to me, helped me with my jacket, gave me a backrub. Thanks to more than a few negative experiences, the number of people I can stand to even sit beside on a sofa is pretty small. As we have been discovering, it even includes my family. Though I have to admit that I can tolerate longer periods with them than I can most.

1 of the small light bulb moments I have had is how I can name on 1 hand, with 3 fingers left, the number of people I have been able to just fall asleep on, and I mean that literally. I'm talking about the sort of trust where you can sprawl out & sleep hard and not worry about drooling, sweating till you stick to one another, and just sleep. My grandmother & my longest lasting fuck buddy are it. My mom tells horror stories of trying to get me asleep because I would not be lulled to sleep by anyone, but insisted that my grandmother hold me. Not to say she & Dad couldn't get me to sleep, but I have heard many stories of how annoying I was - & still am - about sleep.

There are also many stories of how, once I am asleep, you could have an entire conversation with me & I would never twitch a muscle. Or even better, the Disney after dark stories. I will explain that in detail if anyone is foolhardy enough to actually ask, but for those who know me & my past, yes, it was K.E.G. who's "advances" I slept through, well enough he always smirked. Rather sad when you think about it.

A lot of this is rehashing & I know that. But during our conversations, I have been thinking about my past and how it has put me in a position to help a friend make several difficult choices. Without some of my experiences, I could not have the openmindedness to just listen to what I am hearing. I would probably judge and then who knows how things would progress? I might not be thrilled at the drama of this situation, but at least I can help by supporting decisions & giving my impressions.

Cheesy, Guidepost moments coming -

It has been a comfort of sorts to know that experiences I have had, which ended in a distinctly shitty way, have not been a total waste. I know that I would do everything the same, though there are a few moments I would have reacted faster or a bit differently. Overall, I would probably do everything the same as I did. That has been a relief to realize because I have been second guessing and doubting & generally wondering. Now, while I still find myself pissed off at how things ended, it does not matter. I said goodbye and have gone on. I can now say that I have no real regrets over the past 13 years or so on the relationship side. That is a good feeling.

Now all I have to do is get past the remaining angst over how the jackass did not end things and my general vague feelings of loss off a good friend and life will be perfect. But hey, I have lots of time to do that as I work hard to move inland. ;-)

New thought -

I really can not wait for the next few years to pass. I know that a lot can happen over the next few years. That's what happens when time passes after all. But as a family we have a rough 6 year plan for what we want to occur. At the end of it, we will be living inland in any of the following states - SC, NC, TN, KY, VA, or WV. We want seasons again. None of us want to worry about a hurricane coming through and wiping out not only our home but our jobs and everything else. I know that it will take 2-5 years for this chaos my mom, sister, nephew & I have created to be sorted out and all of us in the position to move away, but it works because none of us is ready to move. We just all know that 6 years we all want to be in that geographical area.

Mom will be retired in 6 years & plans on being some place close to my nephew. My sister intends to finish her business degree here, get a job & 2-4 years experience as an accountant, possibly working towards her CPA, while my nephew gets his elementary years under his belt in 1 school. I will be maturing further & deciding what I want to be when I grow up. In 6 years, no matter what I choose, it will be some place else.

As for this job at the nursery, I am still stunned at how well I am fitting in & enjoying myself. I am debating on just what I want for myself long term because this is not a career field with a great retirement plan. In fact, there really isn't one. Benefits are something you get IF you work for a place like Wal-Mart or Lowe's. For what I am doing, health insurance & retirement are strictly up to the individual. Since I am still completely confused about my future and only know what I need to help accomplish over the next 6 months to 6 years, I am pulling a Scarlett O'Hara - I'll think about it tomorrow.

Anyway, that's' the plan here. Not much else going on beyond working in this ridiculous heat, taking care of the yard, ferrying my nephew to soccer & school functions, my sister to her classes, & running all errands for Mom. Maybe I should look into housekeeping? It can't be any worse than this. In fact, it is probably easier than working in a nursery. It's just that I do not want to deal with other peoples laundry, you know?

Oh well. Decisions are for later.
(My new mantra.)