Tired Today

I am tired today. It is a constant source of amazement to me that I am perfectly healthy, but thanks to an odd ball disease (fibromyalgia), I have a difficult time keeping my eyes open or having the energy to cope with anything. Being angry does not help and having a rapidly disappearing well of patience does not help either.

I have to make decisions about my future, and that is so confusing. I always envy people who just do. I have never been that brave. I agonize for months before I do anything. Probably the only reason I do not go insane is because I never look back. That cliche about how hind sight is always 20/20 floats through my mind, and rather than torturing myself more, I continue agonizing over what is ahead of me. Far safer.

All I do know is that I intend to move away from here. Where is a rather large question because I would like to have a job, but getting out of this area is becoming more and more of a necessity for me. I hav no regrets about the past 15 years, but if I want to keep it that way, I need to leave. I am hoping for any of the jobs I have applied for to work out, but my luck is rather cruddy. Hope only carries you so far, and then the harsh reality that your resume is not getting the interviews slaps you in the face. So then the doubts sneak in. Wondering what else could be worded differently. Whether you are applying for the right jobs. If your resume shows how screwy your career is or if it is just you.

So the self-help books get pulled out and all those affirmations still do nothing but show how negative you have become, so the fear that all the negativity is showing up in your resume and the human resources people can tell. And the paranoia deepens.

Rather ridiculous, but there you have it.