I have been contemplating my navel lately. Among other things, I have been thinking about a friend and her incredible luck. I realized through oodles of time walking that I am - THANKFULLY - not jealous of her luck. What I am is feeling left behind. I think I would prefer to be jealous.
My girl friend has met an incredible man who has done everything right by her. She has a good job she tends to enjoy. Her family is doing fairly well. Life is over all pretty good. And I knew I was starting to feel some sort of negative emotions. Figured I was better off facing them head on and dealing with them before I screwed up with her like I have in the past with another friend who has managed to pull herself together and now has a life that she enjoys.
The big surprise for me at least was learning that I was not jealous of either of my 2 girl friends. I do not want what they now have in their lives. I do not want a man to wander in to my life and make life more complete. I do not want someone to wake up beside and know cares. I do want the security that they have. I want to go home to MY home and not have anyone around me. I want the freedom to watch movies again. That is what I want. I do not want another lover again.
The demands are more than I am really capable or wanting to meet any longer. I am finding people too demanding all across the board of late and realizing that I really need to start getting out more often before joining a convent that focuses on seculsion becomes a viable life choice. That is rather scary.
Beyond that little bit of self realization, the only other thing is that I really find my mother incredibly annoying at the holiday times. Is it Jan. 2nd yet? I'm ready to put it all away.
Ahhh.... independence vs. solitude. I do know how you feel. Do they have to be mutually exclusive? I'd like to think it's just a matter of finding someone else that is equally as independent.
ReplyDeleteAnd the torments of Xmas and Mothers. I've found the solution to that one - I'm leaving for Cuba tomorrow...
Hope Jan 2nd comes quickly for you...
CUBA!!!?!?!?!??!
ReplyDeleteOK, that has to be explained because I personally can not think of any reason beyond the cigars to go to Cuba.
As for finding someone, well, that would mean being independent of my mother, sister & nephew again. All things considered, once I am independent of them, I am not going to be all that open to new people because I will be wallowing in the bath tub with a glass of wine. Or maybe a few bottles. Depends on how long it takes me to find a home of my own.
But thank you!
I understand how you feel, though I think you feel more like my sister, who is living with our grandma. Basically she moved in there so grams would have someone over there until she eventually passes on.
ReplyDeleteAll my sister wants is her own place, she wants it more than she wants air. I definetly know where you're coming from Steph.
As for not wanting anyone around you, it may be just because right now you're ALWAYS around someone and when you get to be alone it will be so wonderful for a while, then you'll start looking for company. But being alone is just as wonderful.