Kind of Back

It has been a while & a lot has happened. I am now a nanny/housekeeper/chief pooper scooper for 70 cats/general goofer for a family of 4 who need the extra help. We live on 10 acres & that 10 acres includes 20 fruit trees, green house, hoop houses, pond, & of course, 70 cats.

Can I just say that I am also VERY tired?

I really want to find another job. However, I have been here for 4, going on 5, years & my resume sucks. In this economy, unless you're are absolutely fantastic, finding a job is well nigh impossible. I am not fantastic. Since my dream job is a basic factory job right now, where I have no responsibility or decisions to make, then I am truly screwed.

What makes this feeling so ironic is that I would be bored stiff in under a week if I had a basic drone factory job & know it. I am just exceptionally tired. The 2 children & 70 cats & all the angst & drama have taken a huge toll on me & I am reaching massive burn out & know it. I know that this is a good job & I can make a lot of out it. But I honestly no longer care. I want to walk away because of all the family drama that I could care less about. I am not emotionally invested and I have no desire to be invested.

The number of times a day I wish I could become an anchorite nun is rather frightening. Out of a 12 hour period, about every 30 minutes or so I wonder how I would cope & how my life would be different. Because I really do not want to be this responsible for someone else's dream. I do not mind working and helping achieve a goal, but this is not my dream & never has been.

I do not want to live in the country & on a farm. I do not want to raise crops & a small herd of dairy goats. I do not want to can and preserve the crops. I do not want any of this. My dream life is to have a small apartment with a decent TV system so I can watch movies & read on my time with my cats snuggled up and go to work 40-60 hours each week & know that when I leave work, I am leaving it all behind so I can be by myself.

Anti-social? Yes, and given how surrounded I am all the time, this desire to be alone will not dissipate any time soon. Eventually, sure. But not any time soon.